Year End Reflections - Emotional Agility Is The Move
So often we decide, “If I get it right, if I make the right choices, then I can lock in and ride out a good life”. If you sit back to reflect on that notion, there are so many issues with it…
First off, what does get it right mean?
Who determines what right choices are, and how are those right choices measured?
Is it determined by how comfortable we are?
Then there’s the issue with locking in and riding out; those states of being that don't really even exist. Life changes, we change, unexpected events happen, so there's no viable pathway to lock anything in.
And then finally, a good life, what the heck is that?
What your parents told you was a good life?
What the culture, your friends, the media told you was a good life?
And how is that even determined?
It’s understandable that we do this, our brains want certainty, thinking that translates to security. Who doesn’t want security? Security in your life is absolutely possible, but not by creating some external picture that you then try to control. Security develops on the inside, it’s a deep rootedness in knowing that however life twists and turns, whatever unexpected experiences or hoped for outcomes occur or don’t come to pass, you can trust in your ability to take care of yourself, your heart and to live into your values. That type of grounded relationship to your life and yourself is the cornerstone of security.
How do you begin to build that internal sense of security?
Two words, emotional agility.
This concept was developed by Dr. Susan David, a leading expert on emotional intelligence. She defines emotional agility as “The ability to navigate one’s emotions with flexibility, without ignoring them or letting them control you”. It is a practice of using your emotions as information to help guide you. When you develop skill in emotional agility you become able to adapt, to be curious, to be open to change; all skills that over time support you in living a life RICH and MEANINGFUL to YOU. You become less reactive, less rigid, less braced for the inevitable shoe to drop.
At year's end, I usually reflect on what I noticed, what I learned, what I unlearned, and how that matters to me and to the people around me both at work and at home. This year, I’ve witnessed myself make several decisions based on emotional agility both in my business and personal life. I moved offices and entered into a new type of business collaboration, I hired more clinicians, I began remodeling my outbuilding to move the practice to, I’ve expanded the services I offer to include retreats and held several of these groups at my home.
Each of these choices were connected to emotional agility. Most of them were never in “the plan”. I changed course because circumstances changed, and although several of these decisions were a bit scary, I am finding security inside myself, rather than trying to control the outcomes of these decisions. I’ve witnessed countless clients connect with deep meaning, deep joy and deep forgiveness through the practice of emotional agility. I’ve felt the freedom of the practice and I’ve watched others connect to freedom by letting go of what they were supposed to do and instead learned how to choose themselves through their values in whatever situation they found themselves in.
Emotional agility releases you from the nagging fear and anxiety centered in things needing to be a certain way, instead inviting you to explore what is happening, using curiosity to guide you through the situation. I don’t think we ever arrive at PERFECT emotional agility, nor do I think that’s the point. Developing this practice will, however, bring much more internal peace and security without resorting to avoidance, numbing, blame or control to gain what I like to call faux peace. It will bring excitement into your experience and it will reconnect you with mystery and possibility, all of which enriches your experience of this one beautiful life you are living and we are living alongside each other.
If you want to learn more about emotional agility, check out Dr. David’s book, titled unsurprisingly… Emotional Agility.
And if you are looking for a practical way to build a relationship with yourself and your life consider our month long Introduction to Journaling, an online experience that will support you in exploring several different approaches to journaling and guide you through exploring those approaches. We’ll also meet on zoom each week to process your experiences with the material. We start January 1, I sure hope to see you there.
Thank you for spending your valuable time reading these blogs I write and engaging with our social media, workshops and courses. I love my work and I hope it brings a little more clarity, support and hope to anyone who connects with it. I wish each of you a year that surprises you, delights you and opens you to the awareness that you are held in love exactly as you are.
2023 In Review Using GLAD
Arriving at the end of another year invites us to focus on introspection and self reflection.
Rhythms and cycles are woven into every aspect of our lives, from the automatic rhythm of our breath as we inhale and exhale, to the continuous cycles of the sun, the moon and the seasons. We spend our lives entwined in these patterns, many times not exploring the power of consciously partnering with them. (And yes, this might be a teaser of a project I’m working on).
Using the end of a calendar year to reflect on your experiences of yourself and your life, the patterns, structure, choices and results, is a powerful tool for partnering with the ending and beginning of a new yearly cycle. It can also be an overwhelming exercise to consider, with thoughts similar to, “How do I review a whole year? I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast this morning.” Finding a manageable and meaningful way to begin a self reflection process can be challenging.
2023 was a transformational year for me, and even though I have developed introspective and self reflective practices for decades, I was finding that reflecting on my year in a meaningful way felt TOUGH. I kept listing events and experiences, which was helpful in acknowledging the content of the year but it wasn’t supporting my goal to find meaning.
So I pulled out an OLD mindfulness tool; one I included in the first workshop I created years ago, Mindfulness 101. The exercise is called GLAD and is significantly beneficial for general mood management and specifically depressive tendencies. The exercise as originally intended suggests that you acknowledge;
One small experience you are GRATEFUL for that day
One small thing that you LEARNED that day
One small ACCOMPLISHMENT for that day
And one small DELIGHT you experienced that day.
It’s effective when practiced consistently because it broadens your perception of your experience and opens you to notice daily experiences that bring meaning and purpose to your life. I decided to adapt it as a way to reflect on my year. I stayed with the basic approach and allowed myself to be flexible about how I described each category. If I wanted to add it more for each or wanted to summarize a category by describing a theme, then I did that. Here’s a bit of what I came up with.
This year, what I am grateful for is the grounded awareness that I can trust myself to live within my values, even when it is painful to do so. That doesn't mean I make “right” decisions, rather it means that I can trust myself to both be responsible for the decisions I make and change course when my values indicate that I need to. The grounded awareness of that trust has liberated me to take more risks and to be more vulnerable, trusting myself to care for myself no matter what the outcome.
This year, I learned that the love we offer ourselves and others as well as the love that is offered to us, is what can make the difference between surviving unexpected challenges and losses and learning, growing and thriving through those same difficulties. Love as a force, filled in the gaps when I reached my capacity, it lightened my load when I could hold no more, it witnessed with kind compassion, my grief and it preserved my connection to hope.
This year I accomplished a business restructuring to align with my current needs and I was able to make real progress on a decades long whisper in my heart, what I’ve come to refer to as a heart seed, this seed was planted during 2023 and is currently growing. It has stretched me and unsettled me and excited me. As all heart centered pursuits tend to do.
This year I delighted in gathering my first crop of dahlia seeds from my own harvest. I delighted in a few spontaneous and fun trips that made my belly ache from laughing and my feet hurt from dancing. And I delighted in a few new relationships I cultivated this year that reawakened some dormant, neglected aspects of myself that I deeply love.
If you are looking to start a relationship or perhaps deepen your relationship with New Year’s reflection, using GLAD can support you in both broadening your perspective on your year while also helping you to find meaning in your experiences this year.
Looking ahead to what is beginning; in 2024 I’m looking forward to offering a 4 part talk series aligned with each season, the first, Harnessing the Power of Winter Stillness will be offered sometime in late January. Details about the event and how to sign up are on the way!
I’m also looking forward to so many additional creative projects both within the practice and in my personal life, and as always, I’m looking forward to walking alongside many of you as you rediscover your voice and reclaim the power of using it in support of all your selves, past, present and future.
I wish each of you a new year filled with deep authentic connection to yourself and others and real moments of joy as you continue discovering and rediscovering how beautiful you are in mind body and spirit.
Appreciation & Gratitude
As the practice’s theme this month is appreciation, I want to take this opportunity to dive deeper into the concept of appreciation, as well as how it intersects with gratitude. Appreciation involves the awareness, recognition, enjoyment, and full sensory understanding of the positive value of something or someone. This definition shows how important mindfulness is when practicing appreciation, because in order to have a full sensory understanding of why you appreciate the value of something, you need to be mindfully present. Appreciation is a skill set that is developed with practice.
Although gratitude and appreciation are often used synonymously, there are differences between the two terms. One of the most defining characteristics of appreciation is that it is a mindful action, felt in your body with sensory awareness. Appreciation is connected to sounds, smells, things we see that we find pleasurable, and the practice of appreciation connects us with this sensory data in our body. Gratitude is a perceptual habit built on the felt sense of appreciation, when practicing gratitude, you are connecting with the felt sense awareness of appreciation in your body and utilizing that to “think” about how to perceive your experience with a grateful lens.
When beginning to develop a conscious relationship with appreciation a great place to start is self-appreciation. If you find that it can be difficult to cultivate appreciation for others, part of that may be due to the need for cultivating self-appreciation. So often appreciation and gratitude are talked about in the context of feeling positive in regard to someone else, or something someone does for you, but those same principles can be applied to yourself. An exercise that can help begin the path of self-appreciation is when you find yourself with a moment to think at the end of the day, ask yourself, “What do I feel proud of today?” and “How do I experience the felt sense of that pride in my body? Is it warm? Tingly? Where is the warmth?”. Just like self-appreciation, appreciation of others is practiced similarly. Allow yourself some time to think of an event that day involving someone else like, a family member helping with the cooking that day, a friend buying you coffee, or even the bus arriving on time. These are all great calls to cultivate a sense of appreciation. Focus on the sensations of the appreciation, using sight, sound, smell, taste and touch as your guide. Appreciation of others can also be practiced by making it a priority to acknowledge when you feel appreciative of someone in the moment. It is important to remember that this action is a parallel to the personal appreciation exercises in that, highlighting specifics of why you are feeling that appreciation will help foster a deeper and more meaningful relationship with that person.
By regularly practicing appreciation you are allowing yourself to become more connected with what fuels gratitude. Because, once you have a felt sense of appreciation in your body, you can use that to consciously develop the mental habit of using a gratitude framework to pair appreciation with your perception of your experiences, both positive and challenging. Improved understanding of mindful appreciation also benefits your ability to stay connected in the present moment, even in discomfort. When you practice maintaining awareness of what you appreciate in your life you are also building a framework for your brain to stay in the moment and increasing your distress tolerance skills, which can also foster gratitude. Practicing appreciation and developing your understanding of gratitude not only yields benefits of positive feelings and increased optimism within yourself and others, but also has several health enhancing impacts on your mental health as well. Additional benefits related to practicing appreciation include reduced stress levels, increased life satisfaction, lowers the chance of experiencing burnout, improved sleep, lowers levels of cellular inflammation, improves resiliency, increased prosocial behaviors, strengthens relationships, and encourages the development of patience, humility, and wisdom. Ultimately, continuing to develop a conscious connection with appreciation will build a bridge to the practice of gratitude; which can measurably improve your relationship with yourself, your life and with other people.
Morning & Night Routines; A Support Beam for Mental Health & Wellness
Although we are all still living within a worldwide pandemic filled with uncertainty, many of us are starting to take those first steps towards regaining a new sense of “normalcy” in our lives again. Developing a predictable rhythm while also living within fluid and ambiguous circumstances can help you find solace, comfort, and structure. A great starting point for you in establishing this predictable rhythm is developing a morning routine.
Creating a consistent morning routine may sound daunting, but it does not need to be over complicated and can be as simple as waking up with your alarm, making some breakfast and coffee, brushing your teeth, and maybe going on a morning walk. If you feel able to include more activities in your morning routine, other pieces to consider can include going to the gym, meditating, making your bed, prayer, journaling, or cleaning around the house. Any task or action that will make you feel in the driver’s seat of the day is a great addition to a morning routine.
One of the best parts about developing a morning routine for yourself is that there are no guidelines to follow or expectations to meet, you can tailor it to fit whatever your needs and lifestyle preferences are. The only essential factors to consider are having a routine which will benefit you for the rest of the day and maintaining consistency in that chosen routine.
If this is an unfamiliar process to you, it is important to be kind to yourself while developing and fine tuning this rhythm. Everyone stumbles when trying to create change in their life, what’s important to remember is that you are doing what you can to create positive change and structure in your life. An easy trick that I like to use is writing down what your morning routine will be so after each action you take you can cross that piece off the list. Even if it is for something as simple as waking up on time, crossing it off a to do list will help reinforce that you're taking positive steps in the right direction.
Once you are able to develop and enact a plan that works for you, you will begin to experience the many benefits that come alongside a morning routine, such as:
Improved physical and mental wellbeing
Enhanced levels of productivity
A more positive mood throughout the day
Elevated sense of self-belief
Reduced mental fatigue and stress
It’s important to consider that the morning isn’t the only time of day where you can establish structure and predictability; an evening schedule is equally beneficial for your wellbeing. If you think of your morning routine as a set of actions to set you up for success throughout the day, an evening routine is a set of actions to help you unwind from the stress or effort the day may have exacted from you; the front and back covers of the book of self-care.
Similarly, to the morning routine, your evening routine can be whatever you make of it. Anything that will help you unwind or feel at ease are great things to include in your nighttime rituals. For me personally, I start my evening routine after I finish dinner at around 8pm or so. After this I start with a pleasure activity such as watching some television, practicing music, playing some video games, or cooking some tasty food if I need to prep some meals for later in the week. Once I’ve set aside some time for a little bit of fun, I may do some light cleaning around the house to make sure that my environment has the right structure to begin the next day while also reflecting on my day as a whole to create a sense of pride in my personal accomplishments. Then to close out the day I’ll go through my skin care routine, brush my teeth, and listen to a podcast or some relaxing music before hitting the lights and going to bed.
Although that routine is more specific to my life and needs, you can take what pieces of that structure resonate with you and apply them to your own life as a starting point. As I said before there aren’t any exact rules you have to follow when making your routine, it's just a collection of actions to help you unwind and ease into the end of the day.
While it may be difficult to explore, one potential part of an evening routine that is worth consideration is making sure you avoid screen time on your phone, laptop, etc. One immediate benefit of this is that it will help your eyes and brain unwind and promote a healthier night’s sleep. Another important aspect of this is that for many of us (myself included) our electronics are tethers to our work and the outside world around us. Allowing yourself time to feel removed from those pressures and expectations can help you recharge and mindfully connect to your work, family or friends the next day.
Beyond helping you relax at the end of the day; an evening routine can help you with:
Creating an improved sense of achievement throughout the day
Setting a goal to look forward to after a hard day’s work
Lowered stress
Improved sleep
Feeling more well-rested
Remember, if you feel that your new routine is starting to become overwhelming or too much to consistently do, you have the power to dial it back and change it up to reflect your needs. The purpose is to consciously invest in yourself first thing and last thing every day. Over time this investment will increase your sense of trust, your confidence and your ability to access joy, even in uncertainty.
- Eli Mick, MSW
Emotional Intelligence, Change, & Staying The Same Walked Into A Bar...
What a difference a year (or TEN) makes…
AND, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
This month marks just over one year's time frame of the COVID global pandemic’s devastating impact on our country and local community. It also marks the 10 year anniversary of Alison Sullivan and Associates. This past year has been, by far the most challenging in our 10 year history, from EVERY perspective, as a small business owner, as a mental health clinician, and as a person. I’ve learned more about how to pivot, to innovate, to let go, to surrender, to grieve, to rest, to dig deep, to protect and to heal in this past year than probably the last 10 combined. As I’m sure many of you have.
So, yes indeed, what a difference a year makes.
I feel like, as a business, in relationship to COVID, we are restabilizing, restoring, recreating and expanding. I know that I am really aware of applying all that I’ve transformed in the past year to bring more knowledge, understanding, discernment and love to what I do moving forward in this new world we live in.
At the same time, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Specifically, what I mean, is that the more seemingly unique challenges I face, as a person or business owner, the more I understand that emotional intelligence is a HUGE factor in whether I develop more resiliency in the face of the challenges.
Research continues to show that Emotional intelligence (EQ) helps you to acknowledge and process emotions without allowing them to hijack your life and your other relationships. EQ helps you to navigate conflict in ways that actually improve relationships and enables you to understand others’ feelings while you set boundaries with empathy to create a space for healing safe connection. It releases you from the pain of trauma bonds, codependency and the drama cycle, all of which impair your ability to truly connect with yourself and others.
Sounds great right?
There are 5 primary domains of EQ; self awareness, self regulation, self motivation, empathy and managing conflict.
Self awareness comprises three aspects. Emotional awareness is knowing what you are feeling and being able to label it accurately. Self assessment is being able to understand your strengths, weaknesses and how you are showing up in interactions. Confidence is the attitude of believing in your ability to learn, grow, understand and master.
Self regulation, as its name implies is about the ability to notice what you are feeling AND managing the flow of that energy reducing the likelihood of impulsivity, blaming and deflecting. This skill is particularly powerful in helping us develop shame resilience.
Self motivation is harnessing the force that influences you to take action. For many people external factors such as approval from others, acceptance, acknowledgement, form the bulk of motivation. Self motivation includes intrinsic motivation, the ability to understand and know who you are so that your choices align with your beliefs, values and goals. Of course we need belonging with others, but often we sacrifice internal belonging for external acceptance and that pattern can cause a lot of difficulties.
Empathy, the fourth EQ domain, is an actual magic wand in life. When we view ourselves through a compassionate, non judgemental lens and offer that same lens to others it fosters a deep sense of being seen, heard and valued both within yourself and in your relationships with others.
Lastly, managing conflict, is about being able to navigate your interpersonal interactions with others in an attuned manner (based on the other 4 skills) to honor diversity, utilize flexibility and adaptability to evolve and solve the issues that arise when we try to live alongside other people.
All this month we are highlighting each of these domains throughout our social media and on our podcast. If EQ is something you are looking to develop in your life then we’ve got you. Give us a follow on our social media and we look forward to meeting you along the way of our shared journey to more connection and deeper belonging to ourselves and others.
10 Thoughts About 10 Years As A Psychotherapist
1. There is NO fixed destination.
People often look for a final destination, an ultimate arrival, as a business owner, a professional, an adult or in any perceptual lens or role you use to examine your life. Instead of a fixed destination, there is a never ending unfolding that happens, each milestone, accomplishment or insight opens you up to more. More learning, more opportunities for understanding, creating and experiencing.
2. Trust the process.
This is especially relevant when it seems most risky to do just that. Growth requires you to let go of who you were and open toward what you are not yet. When that process is gaining momentum, it often feels like “everything is going wrong” and this “change process was a bad idea”. If you stay the course, instead what happens is you awaken to new energy, new hope and new opportunities that were never possible before.
3. The things that pull at your heart are important and you need to listen to the wisdom of their messages.
When you turn away from those heartfelt questions and yearnings it disconnects you from joy; when you open to them you develop an abiding intimacy within yourself that fosters adventure and meaning.
4. Shame has the most destructive potential I’ve ever witnessed.
It hijacks connection. It can destroy love. It can justify violence. And it can actively harm everyone in its wake. The antidote to that destructive potential is;
5. Honoring your story, every bit of it, with compassion and acceptance.
That is the closest thing to a magic wand of healing there is. It disarms the power of shame by affirming your inherent worth and dignity.
6. There is NO ONE RIGHT WAY to build a life.
That notion is a powerful root of anxiety because the uncertainty involved in making a decision and plotting a course is difficult to tolerate. So, we look for a “right” way, we foster unhealthy dependencies on parents, on friends, on partners. We stay too long where we no longer fit and we shrink from where we can expand into, all in an effort to avoid the distress of uncertainty.
7. When you continue pursuing the calls of your heart, it all is worthwhile.
You do that by leaning into the limitless possibilities and tolerating the risks with making decisions. That process IS the gateway to understanding that all choices have meaning, all twists and turns have value.
8. Bad things happen to good people because life isn’t fair.
Pressuring yourself and others to subscribe to harmful platitudes like “everything happens for a reason” or “God never gives you more than you can handle” is an attempt to avert grief. Many beautiful souls have been hindered and held back by trauma, their resiliency is awe inspiring but THE TRAUMA DID NOT make them stronger or better. Their spirit, their support and often privileges inherent in our institutions and cultural norms have helped people to overcome trauma.
9. None of us are truly free to live our “best” lives until all of us are free to equitably pursue our “best” lives.
This is a concept Americans are deeply at odds with. Our rugged individualism often used as a means of masking inequitable systems, interferes with the universal truth that none of us are truly independent. We are interdependent, and when we can understand the importance of that without it threatening our individual identities, we will transform our systems so that all of us can be free.
10. You are enough. You are worth the effort. You matter.
Trusting the Momentum
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you’re noticing energy building in a direction that you haven’t anticipated, haven’t planned for, or even in a way that may scare you?
If this sounds familiar, then you may also relate to the notion of just not being able to shake off the building of momentum; it’ll pop up in unexpected moments, maybe you’ll notice related topics and ideas in media, articles, conversations.
Almost as if it has a life of its own, the shift will continue building energy around it, reaching a threshold point that invites us to lean in, to jump, to turn. Which, let’s be real, is a scary process to engage in.
We are in part wired for predictability, so leaning into the unanticipated with trust, whew, that’s rough.
What I’ve come to believe and understand is that actually trusting the momentum of my life in that way is strong evidence of being “in the flow” of intention. When I’m clear on intentions, that doesn’t mean I can predict the best pathway to the fulfillment of the intention. That’s where the trust comes in, and honestly, if I’m not present in the moment, I really decrease my chances of even noticing building momentum in a particular direction.
Around 18 months ago I began to think about changing my business model to a more integrative structure to model our integrative approach, I hired Haley 9 months later (best decision ever), started the podcast (such a steep learning curve and valuable tool for people to support their health) and by the beginning of 2019 I was ready to hire another integrative therapist. Shortly into 2019, some shifts within my family revealed another important affirming process was unfolding, and at the time I remember thinking, “this is fantastic and with planning, I’ll be able to be present and show up as a support beam throughout this process, for my child, whom I love dearly”.
June came, and then, through an acquaintance of mine connected to advocacy work I’m involved in, in part because of the diversity within my family, I “accidentally” actually “serendipitously” saw a listing for our dream farmette. A place that was large enough to accommodate part of my business dream and small enough to create a family sanctuary.
My first thought, “No way, can’t even look, don’t have the bandwidth at all for this right now!”
I couldn’t shake it, and well after a seamless flow of doors opening in bizarrely unexpected ways, we now own the farmette (stay tuned for exciting workshops there in 2020) and we closed on it a week before the culmination of our family transition process and 10 days before our new therapist comes on board.
NOT THE WAY I WOULD’VE PLANNED, AT ALL.
Yet, I’ve been able to navigate the concurrent demands of these three big things happening at once and I’m strangely grounded about it all. That’s the flow at work, so I’m gonna keep trusting the momentum and invite you to do the same.
Ask us about our upcoming Meditation 201 Workshop and online Food & Mood Support group to help you with your momentum and journey!
The Golden Ticket
Sometimes life throws us something we aren’t expecting- a loss, an injury.
Sometimes we invite a change into our lives with a move, new relationship, new goal or dream.
When we find ourselves in this position, sometimes there’s a pull toward comparison with other people. A tendency to compare our inside feelings with an outside appearance, especially when we feel out of control, insecure and overwhelmed. We may then begin to think that “we are missing something that others have”, “that we aren’t enough”, that we need the ‘golden ticket ‘ in order to feel at peace or at least marginally comfortable again.
Actually we have the golden ticket inside us already.
It’s the golden ticket of meeting ourselves where we are with self acceptance
Ok so what does that mean? And how do we do that when we are feeling so out of control and overwhelmed?
It means that we allow ourselves to be exactly who we are in this situation, without judgement and without demanding perfection. It means that we open up to the notion that there isn’t one right way to live a life, that the challenge is to authentically and wholeheartedly live the life we are experiencing.
How do we do that?
If only there was a one size fits all blueprint that I could share.
There isn’t.
What I can share are tools to guide you toward more self-acceptance, toward meeting yourself where you are with kindness and compassion:
Take a pause and notice what’s going on in your thoughts, your emotions and in your body. Notice, don’t attach. Be curious, not judgmental.
Acknowledge your inherent worth, within the circumstance you are experiencing. You have worth because you are here and you are you.
Let go of comparison with others, even if you have to let go in tiny pieces. LET IT GO. It is toxic and invalid. It serves to undermine your worth, progress and unique experience of your life.
Affirm your efforts, however uncomfortable it may feel. Affirming our efforts increases motivation and fuels a growth mindset.
Embrace the awkward. Whenever we are learning there is going to be an awkward stage. Lean in.
Self-empathy. Integration Nation Episode 212: Empathy- The Magic Wand can help you with this.
Self-acceptance is essential for us to develop authentic intimacy with ourselves and with other people. It releases us from the tyranny of comparison and supports us in the direction of our heart. Anything that does that merits the distinction as a golden ticket.
Take hold of your golden ticket as you meet yourself where you are at, lean in and grow.
As always. please leave any comments or questions you may have on meeting yourself where you are at in the comments or shoot us an e-mail.
3 Meditation Myths & Common Mistakes
Meditation is a science backed activity that relieves stress and, unfortunately, has some misinformation surrounding it. Today we are going to look at and debunk a few of these myths and misconceptions that gives meditation and meditation classes a bad rep.
Myth #1:
Meditation benefits take years to notice.
NOPE, research suggests people can begin to benefit from meditation in as little as 10 minutes a day. Measurable brain changes occur after 8 weeks of daily 20 minute meditation practices.
Myth #2:
Your mind has to be empty for it to work.
Once again, nope.
Meditation practices and experiences are as varied as types of candy that I love, so in other words, a lot.
Myth #3:
Meditation is B.S.
This is also false because, meditation has a robust science backing and many proven benefits to improve your health and overall life.
Now that we have debunked a few myths, what are 3 of the most common mistakes made when attempting meditation?
3 Most Common Meditation Mistakes
Giving up.
Giving up.
Giving up.
That’s right, really the only mistake you can make is to give up.
Meditation is a relationship that is dynamic and with practice can become a primary tool in your wellness bag.
So, don’t give up! Keep learning in your pursuit of a better and healthier you!
If you want to learn more about Meditation and all of it’s benefits (reduce anxiety and depression, reduce stress, improve work efficiency just to name a few) check out our upcoming Meditation for Beginners class at our office located in downtown Fredericksburg by clicking here!
Psychotherapy Myth #3: Therapy is a Magic Wand
Myth:
Therapy is a magic wand.
Truth:
Therapy is a process, a relationship and a conversation.
(Side note: conversation is my current favorite word).
Therapy develops and supports you in self awareness, self discovery, personal accountability and learning how to peacefully and more completely belong to yourself.
The conversation that is had in therapy, that process is dynamic.
Therapy explores you, your story, your supporting cast, your plot line.
It isn’t about a director telling you what to do and how to do it- and then presto chango, the work is instantly done.
Therapy is a conversation, a dance that reveals to you the unique beauty, magic and potential within you by examining the “themes” of your experiences and relationships.
Week after week, session after session, therapy opens you to yourself more completely which in turn opens up your life to new possibilities outside of the therapy sessions.
That’s important for several reasons.
If therapy was a magic wand, it would rob you of the best adventure of your life; getting intimately and LOVINGLY connected to you.
If therapy was a magic wand, you wouldn’t discover how capable, competent and confident you are when you are accountable, when you develop self acceptance, when you risk change.
That awareness and those experiences ARE the magic of the therapy process and conversation.
Doing the work to change your life, and allowing therapy to support you, rebels against instant perfectionism. Instead, it says, “Sit down for awhile so you can learn to love all of your imperfect self. Can I get you a cup of tea while you’re here?”
Contact us today at our downtown Fredericksburg, VA to begin your journey of self-discovery and begin therapy online or locally to have relationship and conversation.
Psychotherapy Myth #2: I Don't Need Therapy I Can Just Talk to My Friends
Good and trusted friends are, in heartfelt and pragmatic aspects, a really important support system for us throughout our lifespan.
Research is clear on the benefits of friends for our mental and physical wellness; it supports that those relationships improve our wellness throughout our lifespan.
However, what I am about to say is really important to deeply consider.
Therapy is different from talking to friends in very specific, important ways.
1. Therapy is a business relationship.
Heart centered and health focused, yes, but also a business relationship with the sole purpose of helping you heal.
2. Therapy helps you heal by utilizing science based theories and interventions within the context of the therapeutic relationship.
Wait… what, Alison?
Essentially, what I mean by this is that the conversation is guided by science to help you directly achieve your goals. I am continually centered on utilizing various skill sets I’ve developed as a licensed clinician social worker during each session with clients to target exactly what the client’s goals are.
3. Therapeutic disclosure focused on you.
Although I believe therapeutic self disclosure is super helpful in working with clients, any disclosure is for the sole purpose of helping the client; therapy is essentially a one sided relationship, focused on you. Isn’t that great?
Once again it seems like another both/and situation as opposed to an either/or… and yes, that is an upcoming Integration Nation podcast episode.
If you do have any questions or want to begin your counseling journey today, to rediscover that you are enough, check us out at our Fredericksburg office by giving us a call or sending an e-mail.
Psychotherapy Myth 1: Only "Crazy People" Go to Therapy
I absolutely cannot speak for other therapists or where they stand on these myths associated with psychotherapy.
This new blog series is about dispelling psychotherapy myths based on how I practice and based upon how I view psychotherapy as an integrative therapist.
Sooooooo….. here we go.
We’re diving deep right away, because there is no sense in wasting your time.
To be completely vulnerable with you, I got a little angry even typing out the phrase “crazy people”, it’s derogative and demeans the very legitimate struggles we ALL experience as human beings. Every person encounters a struggle or trial at some point in their lives, and it is okay, essential even, to seek out guidance from a counselor during the times we feel stuck.
In my downtown Fredericksburg practice, we come from the perspective that psychotherapy and counseling is a sacred space to find guidance and support in not only RESOLVING grief and trauma, but also INTEGRATING new aspects of self and gaining UNDERSTANDING and SELF AWARENESS about life transitions from a holistic lens.
As licensed clinicians and actual human beings, we deeply believe in the inherent worth and dignity of individuals. Stemming from that foundational belief, we also believe people are strong enough to acknowledge patterns of thinking and patterns of behavior that do not support who they are becoming and how they want to contribute in their unique lives.
AND we believe in empowering people.
Empowering people to learn how to support their health holistically is one of primary objectives as counselors. We see therapy as part of a good comprehensive health care, therefore we operate and advocate to break the stigma associated with mental health care.
I guess in short it boils down to, we love people.
We really love people, and we believe in the worth of people and and that all people can benefit from psychotherapy that respects the adaptive power which every single human being possesses.
Counseling works and you aren’t “crazy”.
Food & Mood: Is It Really That Simple?
Is it really that “simple”?
As a psychology undergrad I remember thinking, “mental health has to be more complex than sleeping, eating, relaxing, and moving.” Yes, while our mental health is more than those factors, I’ve come to believe these elements are absolutely foundational aspects of caring for our complex mind-body system.
This blog is all about eating.
I LOVE TO EAT, as I’m sure most of you do too.
What I love even more than eating is feeling energized, fueled, nourished and satisfied while also physically comfortable after I eat, which wasn’t the case for a LONG time. I thought for the longest time that I just had a “sensitive” stomach, that for whatever reason, I was prone to stomach upset, nausea, bloating, cramping.
Turns out I just wasn’t properly caring for my engine.
I’m a really visual person. Therefore, I often think about my mind-body like an engine. When we care for our engine with attention and awareness to sleep, diet, movement and play, we empower the engine to stay healthy and balanced. Which does have a HUGE impact on our mental health. Our engine is built to care for us and run reliably. We just have to fuel our engine to support it in caring for us. When we do that, we have the energy and focus to process, explore and restructure the other aspects of our situation and experiences that may affect our mental health and moods.
What exactly does food have to do with mood?
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” you might say, “I know I’m not supposed to eat chips, candy, fast food, and soda, I got it.” Well, good for you! I’m still an occasional eater of chips and a pretty regular eater of candy (chocolate especially). I’ll rarely pass an opportunity to eat chocolate cake! But there is much more to food and mood than eating junk food mindfully.
I’m specifically talking about the theory of bio individuality and why that matters in relation to the food we eat.
Bio individuality says that we aren’t a one size fits all, and that we need to bring curiosity and awareness to what our body needs and how it functions best.
This is because our mind-body LOVES us and wants to help us live a full, rewarding life. Our moods often provide us the data we need to begin to understand our unique engine and how to fuel it. This theory is something I’m passionate about, because I’ve seen the miracles applying it has produced in my life, and the lives of countless clients.
When I started applying the theory to my “sensitive” stomach, healing began, and frankly the healing snowballed pretty rapidly, in part I think because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, so I put a lot of energy into figuring out my engine accurately. If you are eating foods that aren’t necessarily on the “horrible and bad” junk food list and still feeling edgy, lethargic, foggy, moody, depressed, etc., then there is likely another food habit that is creating a negative physiological cascade in your system and that habit may display itself as a mood issue.
For example, functional hypoglycemia is a condition like that; one that can mirror depression and anxiety. Changing the foods a person eats and when a person eats can correct hypoglycemia, decreasing, if not eliminating the depression and anxiety symptoms.
An equally compelling reason to begin getting more curious about your engine is the ever increasing data describing our gut as our second brain. Our gut actually has neurotransmitters, just like our brains AND current thinking is that as much as 90% of serotonin (primary mood management neurotransmitter) is in our gut.
Wait, what?
Yes… 90%, so there is science behind why our relationship with food directly impacts our mood.
How can I find my way through all of the information and figure out the foods that might be affecting my mental health?
At this point, you may be thinking, “What the hell? This is overwhelming. I’m not sure I even want to think about it.”
I’ve been there! I had a health crisis about 10 years ago that forced me to pay attention and I felt the same way. I wish an integrative mental health practice had been available to help me figure out what I needed to eat and just how and when to eat it in a methodical, doable way.
It just didn’t exist, so I became that practitioner.
The internet can help anyone begin to understand bio individuality and how to begin to track mood symptoms. I love when clients get involved in their own mental health in this way. However, at some point consistent support really, really helps. An integrative mental health provider is someone who is going to look at all aspects of your life and experiences when assessing and treating any mood issues you are experiencing, a person’s relationship with food is a big piece of the puzzle,that an integrative provider can support you with. Alison Sullivan and Associates is here for you or happy to help you find a practitioner in your area.
From personal experience, it’s worth it.
What about that cake?
Back to the chocolate cake: there was a time when I loved eating it, but afterward I felt bloated, edgy, and slightly paranoid — which is no fun for anyone! Today, I still eat it, and LOVE it. I just make sure it’s gluten free, with high quality chocolate and no processed stuff. To me, it’s tastier that way. I get to enjoy it while I’m eating it and I no longer have to pay a physical, mental or emotional price.
If you want to improve and heal your relationship with food, check out my online Food Mood Reboot workshop that you can do from the comfort of your own home!
Are You Screening Your Own Calls?
Last week I was meeting with a client and we were discussing the concept of self-betrayal as it relates to security and confidence both in decision making and in relationships, when she suddenly said, “I need to stop screening my own calls, do I even trust myself to answer when I call?”
It was a profound therapeutic moment that reinforced a long-held belief of mine; that people have their own answers and sometimes just need a little guidance to reveal or remember their innate wisdom.
What does it mean to screen your own calls and how can that influence our relationship with ourselves and our lives?
To me it means, that in turning away from ourselves, our wants, our needs, our feelings- we are, over time telling ourselves in a fundamental way that we don’t matter, we aren’t important enough to attend to.
Let’s go back to the phone call metaphor; we all have moments when we need to decline a call because we are involved in an important task that needs most of our attention, like driving, a meal with family, showering, a business meeting and at those times it’s appropriate to delay answering the call, while still acknowledging that a call has come in. If we continually look at our phone screen and say, nope not answering, nope not answering again, then the avoidance leads to a pattern of self-neglect which gives the clear message of, this or you, aren’t worth my time.
Eventually, if we are ignoring our inner wisdom, our own voice, our calls for attention, reflection, effort, then we begin to mistrust our ability to care for ourselves because the evidence we have tells us we can’t be trusted. Over time that mistrust can erode our confidence in relationships, at work and in our personal endeavors. In that space of neglect, self-doubt creeps in and begins to make us question our worth, our abilities and our gut instincts.
When we instead, do the opposite and answer our calls, or even call ourselves back at the earliest opportunity, we are communicating that we matter to ourselves, that our voice, our yearnings, gut feelings, nagging thoughts are valuable and worth time and attention.
Similarly, to the momentum that the self-neglect builds, that attunement enables us to be more comfortable with the process of unfolding, it allows us to trust that we are there for ourselves even in the mess of uncertainty. That is a foundation of secure attachment to ourselves which gives us the confidence to risk, to try, to speak up, or to say no. All of which are vital to making sound decisions and building healthy relationships.
It’s time to answer the phone, it’s you calling and it’s important.
It's All About A Choice
We all have moments throughout our lives when we stop and reflect, how did I get here? How did I end up in this job? Where did this extra weight come from? Why am I in this marriage/relationship? or How did I get so lucky? How did I land this job, partner etc?
Sometimes, I believe, we think it’s happenstance, coincidental; like leaves blowing in the wind, we travel and land as the wind directs us. Although, we are continually making choices whether we are conscious of that or not and these choices, decisions and actions direct our course.
I’ve reflected on whether there are rhythms and patterns related to the choices, over the years as I work with people and I think it boils down to two decision patterns- when and where do we lean in and when and where do we turn away.
When and where do we lean in… what does that even mean?
To me it means what situations and experiences do we turn towards and say yes to. Where do we allow ourselves to feel our feelings and move more deeply into a person, a career, an experience, or even a dream, hope or wish.
It’s in those ordinary moments when we decide to tell someone how we feel or fill out the application or say yes to the date, the invitation, the opportunity, that we are deciding. We are deciding that we want something more than our concern about handling our feelings or managing the outcome of the experience. We lean into the potential of something and in so doing, set in motion a chain of events that changes a potential into an actual.
Conversely, where do we turn away?
When do we say no to ourselves? To an idea? To an opportunity? At these thresholds we are doing the same, we are charting our course by saying no, by avoiding, by denying, just as much as we do when we lean into. When we turn away, we are in effect saying I don’t want to feel this, look at this, join this, hope for this, risk this, try this or know this.
We are turning away to stay in place.
The illusion of the idea of standing still is that in turning away we are still setting in motion a chain of events that changes potential into an actual.
The next time you find yourself wondering why this happened, how you arrived here or thanked the luck of the stars or blessed the happy accident of good fortune, remember, our lives, our paths are not similar to leaves blowing in the wind. Instead, join with conscious decision making so that whether you are leaning in or turning away you claim the choice and in so doing claim the power of the potential.
The Symmetry of Intention & Affirmation
Last week, in yoga I set my class intention as “enough” and reflected on when and how I don’t feel like I’m enough.
I was using my recently purchased Liforme yoga mat which has alignment aids that help my practice and is also environmentally-friendly, which is a rare quality in mats. If you'd like to know more about "green" yoga mats, ConsumersAdvocate.org recently put together a study that tested mats on an “eco-friendliness” scale to help consumers lessen their environmental impact and choose the right mat for their practice. Definitely worth a read!
What are the triggers?
How do I mask the feelings of not enough?
That led me to the concept of worth…
Did I feel worthy and was that related to “enoughness” in my life.
What surfaced, was an affirmation; I am enough to give freely and worthy to receive abundantly.
Wow. Really?
I wondered if I believed that. It felt powerful, grounded even. The rest of my yoga class was infused with focused energy. Each time I said the affirmation, it seemed to flow more deeply through me, my breath carrying it to all the nooks and crannies of my body. Importantly, I knew that even if I didn’t fully believe the affirmation, the areas of unbelief would show up quickly. I’d be able reshape and restructure them so that I believed I was enough to give freely and worthy of receiving abundantly.
That’s the symmetry of intention and affirmation.
When we set an intention for ourselves, whether it’s a word, phrase or sentence, a path has been set. Affirmations are a vehicle to use along the path; the intention and affirmation work together clarifying and facilitating the achievement. It’s like the familiar situation of being hungry and not being sure of what you want to eat and how to get there. Without clarity about what you want (the intention) you can’t support yourself in getting it (the affirmation).
You’d drive all over town not sure what food you want or don’t want.
Do you want pizza? Maybe.
Mexican? I don’t know.
A sandwich? I guess, but not really.
How often do we do that in our lives. We know we want to go, do or explore something but we don’t take the time to get clear on the intention which impedes our ability to support ourselves along the way. Often carving out a few minutes when we feel a tugging in our heart or a repetitive thought in our mind begins the journey.
When we choose to explore the tug or the thought, it gives us insight into what we want and how we can set an intention, which then opens us up to the ability to create a unique affirmation to keep us on course, trusting the process of fulfillment.
Take time today and on a regular basis to reflect on those inner urges, nagging thoughts and often-repeating patterns of your life and allow that reflection to guide you toward an intention. You may be surprised, as I was in yoga, what type of affirmation develops to help hold and direct the intention. Then, enjoy the journey. My partner laughs whenever I say, “Let’s go get a salad, I have a hankering for some greens” but we get in the car knowing exactly where the best salads are, able to anticipate how good it’s going to taste and arrive where we want to go, every time.
P.S. You too, are enough to give freely and worth receiving abundantly.
What's This Trust Thing All About?
Welcome to a new year, a new start, an unfolding of what is yet to be known.
I love this time of year because it offers us a natural opportunity for reflection and intention. As we say goodbye to the previous year we can reflect on our successes, our challenges, the events and circumstances that maybe took us by surprise as well as our sorrows and losses. As we look ahead to the new year and what has yet to be known, we can consciously, mindfully shape our hopes, dreams, desires and goals.
For me this has been a year of transition, a year of expansion and a year that has also taught me a painful yet infinitely beneficial lesson in trust.
I’ve transitioned from an every day parent to a long distance guide and occasional host to a mountain of laundry.
I’ve expanded the offerings at our practice to include workshops and expanded my skill base in mindfulness and nutrition, for the benefit of our clients and subscribers.
I have also experienced a very painful, unexpected loss that reminded me about the foundation of trust, the importance of integrity and the value of friendship.
My current favorite definition of trust is by Charles Feltman. He defines it as choosing to make something important to you, vulnerable to the actions of someone else.
I am reminded this year that I cannot expect others to always honor their word, be honest and follow through on commitments which does in fact make me vulnerable if I include others in the areas of my life that really matter.
However, I can find strength within that vulnerability IF I have a consistent track record of caring for myself, following through on behalf of myself and being honest with myself even when I experience a betrayal of trust from another person.
Behaving from a place of integrity within myself allows me to feel the pain of betrayal without losing my sense of identity, my values, my trust or my view of the world as a basically good place. I can still rely on myself to care for myself while also receiving help and support from the people who inevitably surround me offering wisdom and understanding as I process the pain.
So does that mean we cannot ever trust other people to keep their word, or to do what they say they are going to?
I sure hope not, because I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t trust others. Building trust with other people takes time and discernment, which requires vigilant self honesty; not turning away from the proverbial red flags that are there to help guide us if we choose to see them.
If I’m really honest, that’s where I veered off course with this situation. It’s when we begin to deceive ourselves about another’s behavior or we make decisions from a place of fear that we, I believe, put ourselves at risk of unwisely trusting people who will inevitably betray us, not from a place of maliciousness but because they have not yet developed enough character, and integrity to follow through both for themselves as well as others.
Unexpected things happen in our lives all the time- people leave, circumstances change and we can continually choose to utilize these experiences as opportunities to fine tune our vision for ourselves and to fine tune the contribution we want to make to the world.
As this year unfolds, I look forward to continuing to serve our clients and our downtown Fredericksburg community with the highest degree of knowledge, professionalism and integrity I possess as a therapist and I intend to continue to learn for the benefit of myself, my clients, my friends, my family and for my favorite person. I hope to gain even more strength in vulnerability and I look forward to sharing it all with each of you.
I wish you a year of trust, strength in vulnerability and great adventure.
To Thine Own Self Be True, Even In Sweaty Conversations
I read somewhere recently that behind most anxiety is a sweaty 10 minute conversation that no one wants to have. That seems wise to me because those sweaty conversations are difficult for most of us.
They force us to confront beliefs we have about ourselves and others.
They urge us into the unknown by propelling us toward doorways and into unknown rooms that inevitably change what we know to be true and real in this moment.
So why do it?
Why risk all that change?
Why confront all that fear?
Self love.
Self love and the pure unselfish desire to continue becoming, and to continue connecting. That is reason enough to begin to step into those sweaty conversations, those places of unknown because it is in the act of supporting ourselves, our desires and our hopes that we build trust, both within ourselves and in our families, communities and the world at large.
Each of these sweaty moments affirms I matter, my hopes matter, my dreams, ideas, intentions matter and I honor myself and you as well as the relationship between us by giving voice to them, here in this moment.
Sometimes all it takes is a change in perspective about what we are doing to help us lean into a moment, an opportunity to give voice to our truth.
Maybe in simply changing our narrative from “if I say this then I risk losing” to “when I say this I am honoring” then we can wipe the sweat from our brows and step into the doorway of the unknown which connects us ever more deeply to ourselves and each other in truth, honor and respect.