Scrolling, The Near Enemy of Connection
In Buddhism there is the concept of near and far enemies related to what are considered the immeasurable qualities of a wise, open heart. These four immeasurable qualities are:
loving kindness
compassion
appreciative joy
and equanimity
As you might assume far enemies are the opposites of these qualities, cruelty is the far enemy of compassion and ill will is the far enemy of loving kindness. Near enemies however, are more nuanced, more challenging to recognize. They share some similarities with the quality but also key differences. So you can easily think you are possessing the quality, when in fact you are actually working against yourself in developing that specific quality.
For example, the near enemy of compassion is pity. Pity and compassion definitely include an acknowledgement of suffering and is often expressed in verbally similar ways with statements like "I'm really sorry that is happening to you.” The key difference is that in compassion there is no separateness, there is a recognition that we all suffer and we can find ourselves within the other’s suffering.
Pity is underpinned with separateness, and a sort of hierarchy that contains the idea that it may be happening to them but it couldn’t happen to me because _________.
Oftentimes people can confuse pity as compassion, when it is in fact an obstacle to true compassion which acknowledges suffering with empathy, a connection to the suffering and a desire to relieve it from a place of shared humanity. Pity, inferring separateness actually prevents the expression of compassion.
Although a profoundly useful lens in and of itself to apply to any self reflection practice, I started thinking about it in terms of our relationship with devices, the internet and social media…
Clearly, we can make a case that our relationship with it works against equanimity, a calmness of being, because it involves the near enemy of craving and aversion. We are often either craving it as a distraction or trying to avoid it because it is a distraction. I started thinking about it in terms of acting as a near enemy to well rounded living, to being, to connection.
How does it do that?
If I think about trends in my own algorithm, some frequent themes are funny dog videos, art, flower growing, yoga/meditation and psychology/philosophy centered content.
Umm, that seems pretty aligned with many of my professional and personal interests... So how is an aligned algorithm a potential near enemy to my actual relationship with these interests in my life?
If I’m watching tons of flower growing and arranging videos, my brain gets tricked into thinking I’m engaging in those activities, and although I may be learning, I’m not fully experiencing a relationship with the interest and that is the key difference. I can’t think of a single time when I’ve finished scrolling and felt satisfaction, contentment or fulfillment; I have often felt like I’ve eaten too much junk food.
When I am outside digging, planting, fertilizing or at the store buying varieties of seeds, I’m engaging with the whole experience AND the felt sense of the experience, the overwhelm, when I’m trying something new, the uncertainty when I’m making decisions, the excitement connected to both the process and the outcome and these are the dimensions of experience that our entire mind body system needs to feel alive and embodied.
Those full experiences are what allows us to derive meaning from the relationship to the interest, widening our world, deepening our understanding of ourselves and the world around us in a way that scrolling through videos can’t; because there's no application, no true connection.
Does that mean I can’t ever scroll? No, that would be aversion, another near enemy.
It means that the more I support myself in applying what I watch in connection to the experience or the hobby the more I’m in balance with both with my devices and in the practice of equanimity. I’m not craving or avoiding digital content, I’m mindfully engaging with it but investing most of my energy into the application and practice of those interests in my life.
I believe that using this lens to reflect on your relationship with digital content will also decrease the often accompanying self criticism about the overuse of your devices. Instead it can help you understand more about your interests, about what you may need more of in your life and a place to start engaging with those needs and experiences in your day to day life. Will that feel more uncomfortable and less pleasurable at first? Absolutely. Over time however, you will begin to notice that maybe you’re thinking about the interest more, maybe even looking forward to more engagement with it. That’s when you’ll feel it, the satisfaction and fulfillment of whole connection.
14 Lessons from 14 Years: Insights from a Therapist in Private Practice
Knowing that I don’t know more than I know, is what keeps me open, curious and flexible.
This is based on an attitude of mindfulness called beginner’s mind. As soon as I decide that I know, I stop being truly open. When I’m not open, I’m not present. When I’m not present, I can’t really even see the person or people I’m with. That’s true in my work and in my personal life. If I stay centered in not knowing, there is an energy of discovery that inspires me to be more curious and helps me to be more present. In that energy, the people around me feel seen and I feel like I’m a part of something much bigger than my ego or the facts my mind says matter so much.
Owning a small business has taught me how to hold space for both the freedom of autonomy and the, at times, overwhelming pressure, which taught me that:
Creativity flourishes in an atmosphere of freedom, focus and consistency
These two beliefs highlight how freedom continues to be the perennial muse for me. In the pursuit of professional freedom, I’ve had to learn to deal with the pressures of being a business owner AND being the service/product I offer. Even on the days or seasons that it seems too risky, it remains totally worth it because for me, facing those pressures creatively is what deepens my sense of personal freedom.
Good therapy is grounded in science, really good therapy is a blend of art and science.
I’ve come to believe this wholeheartedly. I’ve witnessed countless times where the reigniting of hope, of faith, of trust comes from following a hunch based on a picture I see in my head, or a word I can’t shake during a session. That’s the art; it’s surrendering to the dynamic process of psychotherapy, trusting that the science is the paint and the painting is co-created from the openhearted connection between the therapist and the client.
You can only meet others to the depth you have met yourself (this is a hill I will die on).
I’ve come to believe this in my core. Clients can feel the energy of the therapist, they can feel if I’m genuinely ok going where they need to go. Being able to walk alongside them wherever they need to go, is often what is so reparative for them. You can’t fake it. It will erode the trust in a nanosecond. I think this is true in personal relationships too. When I stay centered in this construct, I don’t create unrealistic expectations of others, which actually helps me to see and appreciate people as they are (this is very much a progress not perfection thing for me).
This work restores my faith in the human spirit and at the same time, challenges me to not lose faith in humanity.
I’m moved to tears on a weekly basis, sometimes daily basis, by the courage and tenacity of the human heart. I’ve witnessed hundreds of people transform and recover from horrific atrocities to build meaningful, joy filled, lives. It’s truly the most humbling thing I’ve witnessed. At the same time, it’s hard to reconcile this with the depravity of the crimes my clients suffer, the systems that oppress them, and the seemingly unrelenting violence against vulnerability and innocence. I believe, at least I do right now, that inhabiting the space where I’m willing to wrestle with the ills of humanity while being simultaneously inspired by the human heart is an act of respect for my clients’ lived experiences. I hope staying in the discomfort of the tension between those two states will help me to keep growing, so I can contribute more to the solutions than I do to the problems.
The more I care for myself, the more I can care for my clients.
Energy doesn’t lie. When I care for myself, consistently, I have the energy I need to be present for each of my clients. They can feel the resonance of what I’m saying to them if I’m centered in the same practices. Again, there’s no faking it with this.
I think I’ve learned more from my clients than they’ve learned from me.
The relationships I have or have had with my clients has, and continues to transform who I am. What an incredible gift that is, one I don’t think I can ever pay back fully.
Therapeutic self disclosure, when used mindfully, IS a powerful tool for clients.
I’m not quite certain why it’s so powerful, it seems like a situation where the sum is greater than the total of its parts. What I do know, is that sharing my humanity, (intentionally and skillfully) is how a heart can remember it is connected to other hearts, it’s safe and it can heal.
I love lunch, and my lunch hour is sacred.
The entire time I’ve been in business, I’ve blocked off the hour of 12-1 for lunch. I think it’s one of the smartest business decisions I made. It gives me time to rest, to recharge and to eat without rushing, which I always enjoy, AND midday eating is simply the best. It’s when food hits just right. Lunch is a love note I give myself on a daily basis, and If you know me, you know it always ends with some dark chocolate.
Owning my mistakes with clients helps build trust as much as getting it right does.
We all miss the mark. Trust in relationships is built with emotional safety, and owning my mistakes creates an atmosphere of safety. Yes, clients need to feel like I’m competent to help them, but part of that competence is being human. In grad school, I worried a lot about making mistakes with clients. I was so concerned the mistakes would undermine the trust clients had in me. I was so wrong. Do I need to learn from my mistakes so I don’t keep making the same ones, absolutely. Owning them when they happen is the first step in learning from them.
The more we all learn to feel safe within ourselves in uncertainty, the more we will individually and collectively heal, (another hill I will die on).
Life is uncertain and there are so many unknowns as we navigate the uncertainty. If we pretend that isn’t true, it creates significant mental distress. Coping with uncertainty around us by building an internal sense of safety feels similar to living in a well built house with a sturdy foundation and good roof during a storm. It doesn’t influence when the storm ends, it does give you the felt sense of safety you need to help you feel your way through it.
Clear is kind, unclear is unkind, thank you Brene Brown.
Clarity reduces anxiety. It helps people to trust themselves and their perceptions and at the same time it reduces the risk of misunderstanding and misguided assumptions. It’s a way of demonstrating respect for yourself and others because it says I know there is nothing inherently wrong with expressing myself (it is our power) and I trust that you (the other) are capable of dealing with it.
Listening, truly listening, is the language of love.
This isn’t something that words can describe well. Try it, I think you’ll feel the same.
I am so grateful I get to practice what I love everyday.
Discover How To Nurture Your Heart’s Intentions: Cultivate Growth Through Shedding, Learning & Rebirth
Reserve Your Spot to Harness the Energy of Transformation—Shed, Grow & Rebirth with Intention ON SALE for only $375
In the transformative energy of the Year of the Snake, we invite you to step into the woods and embark on a journey of growth, stability, and creativity. This immersive, women-centered workshop is designed to help you shed what no longer serves you, engage in the dual process of learning and unlearning, and experience a powerful rebirth.
Who Is This Workshop For?
This experience is for Gen X and Millennial women who are ready to:
Deepen their curiosity, compassion, and connection to self
Release old patterns and embrace transformation
Engage in movement, meditation, and creative expression to nurture personal growth
When Is This Workshop?
April 12, 2025 10 AM to 2:30 PM
What to Expect in This 4.5-Hour Workshop:
Shedding – Letting Go with Intention
Collective Reiki and breathwork to cultivate curiosity
Embodiment-based movement to embrace openness
Journaling and group discussion to facilitate release
Learning & Unlearning – Embracing the Dual Process
Mindful eating to practice presence
Meditation to explore the layers of learning and unlearning
Expressive art to experience the freedom of transformation
Rebirth – Stepping into Your Power
Reiki and breathwork to ground into your inherent worth
Meditation to connect with the expansiveness of self
Art exercises to embrace inner confidence
Your Investment: $375 (Limited to 8 Participants)
Your fee includes:
✅ Workshop experience in a serene, rural setting in Stafford
✅ All supplies and nourishing snacks
✅ A journal to support continued growth and reflection
✅ A 90-day post-workshop Zoom check-in for integration and support
Spots are limited—reserve your place today and begin your journey back to self.
***If this retreat is something you're interested in, but your current budget doesn't allow for this price point. Please contact us alison@alisonsintegrativehealth.org
Burnout, What Why and How
Does it ever feel like your to do list never ends?
Do you feel like you can’t do anything for yourself until you knock another chore off your list?
Girl, same. And we all feel this way sometimes. Do you ever wonder why we feel like we can’t do what we want to do until our list is done?
And who decides what we have to put on our list anyway?
Well, for those of us who identify as women (which is a social construct by the way), we have things that society decided we have to do. Society also decides how women should behave, what is normal for us, what roles we take on, and what we HAVE to do for everyone but ourselves.
Because of what society has decided that we must do, we can feel like our jobs are never ending. Whether it be working, going to school, taking care of our families, cooking dinner, or cleaning the house.
We have to realize that competing values are happening within everyone. And what you choose to spend your time on is ok, as long as you say it’s ok.
So what is burnout then?
If you ever find yourself just completely overwhelmed and exhausted then you might be in the neighborhood of burnout.
Because what it’s like to be a woman and what is expected of you can be two completely different things.
When we try to close the gap between society’s expectations and who we really are, we can become burned out.
When we neglect our personal wants and needs habitually it leads to burnout.
It’s hard being a woman in our society. But, there are some things that can help us to keep burn out at bay.
How to recognize that we are in fact, burned out?
Physical exhaustion- you may notice that your energy level is extremely low and you feel like your body can’t do even one more thing.
Mental exhaustion - you may feel like you’re lacking mental clarity, can’t think straight, and have trouble concentrating.
Fatigue- your body is done, just done. This can last for short or long periods of time.
Regular headaches- you may notice that you are experiencing more headaches than usual.
Isolation- you may feel like you want to self isolate, don’t want to leave the house, and find yourself not doing the things that you normally enjoy.
Irritability- you may notice that you are quicker to get angry, become frustrated, or more irritable in situations that normally would not bother you.
What can we do about it?
We have to figure out and embrace our own authentic sense of who we are and what’s important to us.
The more that we live authentically and listen to our values, the less we allow outside expectations to affect us, thus living the lives that we wish to live.
If we are living authentically, burnout is way less likely to happen to us, because we are listening to what we need within ourselves.
Our authentic selves are made, not found. We have to work to find what really matters to us, what we do for ourselves to stay happy and balanced in our hectic lives.
These are some things that help us to live authentically:
Pursuit and achievement of goals that matter to us.
Loving, emotionally connected relationships with others.
Serving our spiritual or religious beliefs.
Our meaning in our lives is the answer to “what am I doing when I feel most powerfully that I’m doing what I am supposed to be doing?”
The next way to combat our burnout is by completing the “stress cycle”. The stress cycle is when we encounter an obstacle, and our body goes into that fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.
In the old days completing that cycle was easy, but in today’s society, we must figure out how to complete this cycle of stress that our body gets stuck in after something happens in our lives.
So, how do I complete this stress cycle? Well, you have to signal to your body that you are safe, or it will stay in this state of stress and burnout.
Here are a few simple ways that you can complete your stress cycle, to bring your body back to homeostasis.
Physical activity- go for a walk, a bike ride, dance in your living room, or anything that gets your body moving.
A 20-second hug with someone who feels safe to you.
Long deep breathing or meditation, while being mindful of your thoughts and feelings.
Real, genuine laughter, like the kind of laughter that takes over your whole body.
Finally, a big old cry. Letting yourself release all of these emotions will take you to the very end of your stress cycle.
If you’d like to know more about burnout and how to move away from a burnout cycle, I’ll be conducting a 4 week group in the near future.
Stay tuned for details.
2021 Reflections: Learning How To Lean In & Unlearning The Resistance In Letting Go
This year I’ve struggled with how to authentically and accurately write a year end reflection; mainly because it wasn’t coming out in “the form I’m used to”, so I let go of what it “needed” to be and allowed it to be what it is. This year, I’m sharing some things I’ve learned and relearned, what I’m letting go of more readily and what I’m leaning into more often. Because noticing life in this way, doesn’t feel rigid and restrictive; instead, it feels open and more honest.
What have I learned and relearned?
That adapting to change with openness fuels creativity and lessens anxiety.
That I value the willingness to continually grow even more than I realized.
That for me, right now, acceptance is more useful than forgiveness. It is a process that liberates me from pain; and includes acknowledgement and accountability for the harm done.
That fear and shame create so much pain and disconnection.
That I love listening to podcasts.
That interdependence is the truth. Independence is an illusion. Conscious interdependence fosters deep belonging.
That chronic suppression of self is the loss I grieve over most in my life.
That kindness is active and courageous. And kindness is not niceness.
What am I letting go of more?
Perfectionism.
Overfunctioning.
Certainty.
Expectation.
Obligation.
Shame.
What am I leaning into?
Uncertainty.
Hope.
Creativity.
The magic of flowers.
Acceptance.
Yoga.
Reading.
Imagination.
Possibility.
Music.
To our client community, thank you from the very center of my heart for inviting me to walk alongside you, it is a sacred invitation that I honor.
To our social media community, thanks for taking your valuable time to look at our stories, watch our videos and engage with our posts. We work hard to bring valuable content because we value you and the importance of your energy investment on behalf of your mental health.
To the Fredericksburg community, we get to work in, thanks for taking such good care of us for another year. We sure do love being here.
Happy New Year everyone.
10 Thoughts About 10 Years As A Psychotherapist
1. There is NO fixed destination.
People often look for a final destination, an ultimate arrival, as a business owner, a professional, an adult or in any perceptual lens or role you use to examine your life. Instead of a fixed destination, there is a never ending unfolding that happens, each milestone, accomplishment or insight opens you up to more. More learning, more opportunities for understanding, creating and experiencing.
2. Trust the process.
This is especially relevant when it seems most risky to do just that. Growth requires you to let go of who you were and open toward what you are not yet. When that process is gaining momentum, it often feels like “everything is going wrong” and this “change process was a bad idea”. If you stay the course, instead what happens is you awaken to new energy, new hope and new opportunities that were never possible before.
3. The things that pull at your heart are important and you need to listen to the wisdom of their messages.
When you turn away from those heartfelt questions and yearnings it disconnects you from joy; when you open to them you develop an abiding intimacy within yourself that fosters adventure and meaning.
4. Shame has the most destructive potential I’ve ever witnessed.
It hijacks connection. It can destroy love. It can justify violence. And it can actively harm everyone in its wake. The antidote to that destructive potential is;
5. Honoring your story, every bit of it, with compassion and acceptance.
That is the closest thing to a magic wand of healing there is. It disarms the power of shame by affirming your inherent worth and dignity.
6. There is NO ONE RIGHT WAY to build a life.
That notion is a powerful root of anxiety because the uncertainty involved in making a decision and plotting a course is difficult to tolerate. So, we look for a “right” way, we foster unhealthy dependencies on parents, on friends, on partners. We stay too long where we no longer fit and we shrink from where we can expand into, all in an effort to avoid the distress of uncertainty.
7. When you continue pursuing the calls of your heart, it all is worthwhile.
You do that by leaning into the limitless possibilities and tolerating the risks with making decisions. That process IS the gateway to understanding that all choices have meaning, all twists and turns have value.
8. Bad things happen to good people because life isn’t fair.
Pressuring yourself and others to subscribe to harmful platitudes like “everything happens for a reason” or “God never gives you more than you can handle” is an attempt to avert grief. Many beautiful souls have been hindered and held back by trauma, their resiliency is awe inspiring but THE TRAUMA DID NOT make them stronger or better. Their spirit, their support and often privileges inherent in our institutions and cultural norms have helped people to overcome trauma.
9. None of us are truly free to live our “best” lives until all of us are free to equitably pursue our “best” lives.
This is a concept Americans are deeply at odds with. Our rugged individualism often used as a means of masking inequitable systems, interferes with the universal truth that none of us are truly independent. We are interdependent, and when we can understand the importance of that without it threatening our individual identities, we will transform our systems so that all of us can be free.
10. You are enough. You are worth the effort. You matter.
Do You Have A Generous Mindset?
Do you have a generous mindset?
And really, does it even matter if you do?
Typically, generosity is thought of as how much are you directly giving to others in money and time. Are you donating to causes that you care about? Are you helping a friend by offering your time to listen or to help out with a specific task? If you answered yes to those, then you probably consider yourself to be generous.
...Is that the same as having a generous mindset though?
What I’m referencing as a generous mindset is a little deeper and less concrete (surprising coming from me, right?!) While a generous mindset may include giving financial assistance or giving your time to someone you care about, it's also about the lens or perspective you are applying to yourself and others’ in the experiences you find yourself in. A generous mindset is the framing you place around something or someone. This framing can take the shape of judgement, criticism, opposition, generosity, acceptance, understanding and empathy. It can also vary depending on who’s involved and what the circumstance is at the moment.
A generous mindset matters because it assists you in cultivating safe connection with yourself and others. Giving yourself and others the benefit of the doubt or generosity of intent allows you to stay present, reducing a fight or flight response and increasing empathy, compassion and curiosity, all of which are correlated with resiliency and general satisfaction levels in relationships. So in short, we want a generous mindset; it’s a valuable approach to life and relationships.
How exactly can you figure out what mindset is your default and how to develop more of a generous mindset. I’m going to outline a few key strategies to start you on your way to more generosity for yourself and those around you so you can begin experiencing a deeper connection both with yourself and with others:
Notice key internal dialogue phrases in response to unexpected outcomes? These may be phrases like “Of course she didn't follow through”(insert an eye roll with this one) or “Something probably came up, I’ll check in with her about my offer later”. These thoughts, when approached with curiosity can reveal habits of mindset.
Notice the stories you tell yourself to fill in the blanks as a situation is unfolding. These take the form of “He did that because he doesn’t care about me” or “I’m not sure why he did that but wow, that hurt” Noticing how you fill in the blanks, assigning intent to others actions is a wellspring of important information about your perceptual habits.
Notice if your internal dialogue and the stories you create disconnect you from yourself and others or help you to stay present and curious?
If you notice that your mindset tends toward judgement and criticism you can move toward a more generous mindset by:
Practicing acceptance and compassion. When you notice a mistake or misstep by you or someone else, substitute the fault finding and judgement “Everyone makes mistakes, how can I support myself or them in managing this”.
Responding with open curiosity, as opposed to assigning malicious intent when you notice you are offended by someone's words or actions, for example “I wonder what they are trying to communicate, let me follow up with them so we don’t create a misunderstanding.”
Considering how good you feel when you show up for others that matter to you and extend that opportunity to those around you that are emotionally available. If you are the type of person that instead finds themselves thinking thoughts like, “No one can help me, they don’t care” or “I don’t want to bother them with my needs”.
Learning to cultivate a generous mindset toward yourself and others allows you to deepen the joy you experience in connection not only with yourself but within ALL of your relationships. A generous mindset supports healthy communication, it helps to resolve conflicts and it improves our sense of deep belonging, all of which serve as protective factors for our mental and physical health.
Psychotherapy Myth #3: Therapy is a Magic Wand
Myth:
Therapy is a magic wand.
Truth:
Therapy is a process, a relationship and a conversation.
(Side note: conversation is my current favorite word).
Therapy develops and supports you in self awareness, self discovery, personal accountability and learning how to peacefully and more completely belong to yourself.
The conversation that is had in therapy, that process is dynamic.
Therapy explores you, your story, your supporting cast, your plot line.
It isn’t about a director telling you what to do and how to do it- and then presto chango, the work is instantly done.
Therapy is a conversation, a dance that reveals to you the unique beauty, magic and potential within you by examining the “themes” of your experiences and relationships.
Week after week, session after session, therapy opens you to yourself more completely which in turn opens up your life to new possibilities outside of the therapy sessions.
That’s important for several reasons.
If therapy was a magic wand, it would rob you of the best adventure of your life; getting intimately and LOVINGLY connected to you.
If therapy was a magic wand, you wouldn’t discover how capable, competent and confident you are when you are accountable, when you develop self acceptance, when you risk change.
That awareness and those experiences ARE the magic of the therapy process and conversation.
Doing the work to change your life, and allowing therapy to support you, rebels against instant perfectionism. Instead, it says, “Sit down for awhile so you can learn to love all of your imperfect self. Can I get you a cup of tea while you’re here?”
Contact us today at our downtown Fredericksburg, VA to begin your journey of self-discovery and begin therapy online or locally to have relationship and conversation.
Psychotherapy Myth #2: I Don't Need Therapy I Can Just Talk to My Friends
Good and trusted friends are, in heartfelt and pragmatic aspects, a really important support system for us throughout our lifespan.
Research is clear on the benefits of friends for our mental and physical wellness; it supports that those relationships improve our wellness throughout our lifespan.
However, what I am about to say is really important to deeply consider.
Therapy is different from talking to friends in very specific, important ways.
1. Therapy is a business relationship.
Heart centered and health focused, yes, but also a business relationship with the sole purpose of helping you heal.
2. Therapy helps you heal by utilizing science based theories and interventions within the context of the therapeutic relationship.
Wait… what, Alison?
Essentially, what I mean by this is that the conversation is guided by science to help you directly achieve your goals. I am continually centered on utilizing various skill sets I’ve developed as a licensed clinician social worker during each session with clients to target exactly what the client’s goals are.
3. Therapeutic disclosure focused on you.
Although I believe therapeutic self disclosure is super helpful in working with clients, any disclosure is for the sole purpose of helping the client; therapy is essentially a one sided relationship, focused on you. Isn’t that great?
Once again it seems like another both/and situation as opposed to an either/or… and yes, that is an upcoming Integration Nation podcast episode.
If you do have any questions or want to begin your counseling journey today, to rediscover that you are enough, check us out at our Fredericksburg office by giving us a call or sending an e-mail.
Psychotherapy Myth 1: Only "Crazy People" Go to Therapy
I absolutely cannot speak for other therapists or where they stand on these myths associated with psychotherapy.
This new blog series is about dispelling psychotherapy myths based on how I practice and based upon how I view psychotherapy as an integrative therapist.
Sooooooo….. here we go.
We’re diving deep right away, because there is no sense in wasting your time.
To be completely vulnerable with you, I got a little angry even typing out the phrase “crazy people”, it’s derogative and demeans the very legitimate struggles we ALL experience as human beings. Every person encounters a struggle or trial at some point in their lives, and it is okay, essential even, to seek out guidance from a counselor during the times we feel stuck.
In my downtown Fredericksburg practice, we come from the perspective that psychotherapy and counseling is a sacred space to find guidance and support in not only RESOLVING grief and trauma, but also INTEGRATING new aspects of self and gaining UNDERSTANDING and SELF AWARENESS about life transitions from a holistic lens.
As licensed clinicians and actual human beings, we deeply believe in the inherent worth and dignity of individuals. Stemming from that foundational belief, we also believe people are strong enough to acknowledge patterns of thinking and patterns of behavior that do not support who they are becoming and how they want to contribute in their unique lives.
AND we believe in empowering people.
Empowering people to learn how to support their health holistically is one of primary objectives as counselors. We see therapy as part of a good comprehensive health care, therefore we operate and advocate to break the stigma associated with mental health care.
I guess in short it boils down to, we love people.
We really love people, and we believe in the worth of people and and that all people can benefit from psychotherapy that respects the adaptive power which every single human being possesses.
Counseling works and you aren’t “crazy”.
Are You Screening Your Own Calls?
Last week I was meeting with a client and we were discussing the concept of self-betrayal as it relates to security and confidence both in decision making and in relationships, when she suddenly said, “I need to stop screening my own calls, do I even trust myself to answer when I call?”
It was a profound therapeutic moment that reinforced a long-held belief of mine; that people have their own answers and sometimes just need a little guidance to reveal or remember their innate wisdom.
What does it mean to screen your own calls and how can that influence our relationship with ourselves and our lives?
To me it means, that in turning away from ourselves, our wants, our needs, our feelings- we are, over time telling ourselves in a fundamental way that we don’t matter, we aren’t important enough to attend to.
Let’s go back to the phone call metaphor; we all have moments when we need to decline a call because we are involved in an important task that needs most of our attention, like driving, a meal with family, showering, a business meeting and at those times it’s appropriate to delay answering the call, while still acknowledging that a call has come in. If we continually look at our phone screen and say, nope not answering, nope not answering again, then the avoidance leads to a pattern of self-neglect which gives the clear message of, this or you, aren’t worth my time.
Eventually, if we are ignoring our inner wisdom, our own voice, our calls for attention, reflection, effort, then we begin to mistrust our ability to care for ourselves because the evidence we have tells us we can’t be trusted. Over time that mistrust can erode our confidence in relationships, at work and in our personal endeavors. In that space of neglect, self-doubt creeps in and begins to make us question our worth, our abilities and our gut instincts.
When we instead, do the opposite and answer our calls, or even call ourselves back at the earliest opportunity, we are communicating that we matter to ourselves, that our voice, our yearnings, gut feelings, nagging thoughts are valuable and worth time and attention.
Similarly, to the momentum that the self-neglect builds, that attunement enables us to be more comfortable with the process of unfolding, it allows us to trust that we are there for ourselves even in the mess of uncertainty. That is a foundation of secure attachment to ourselves which gives us the confidence to risk, to try, to speak up, or to say no. All of which are vital to making sound decisions and building healthy relationships.
It’s time to answer the phone, it’s you calling and it’s important.
It's All About A Choice
We all have moments throughout our lives when we stop and reflect, how did I get here? How did I end up in this job? Where did this extra weight come from? Why am I in this marriage/relationship? or How did I get so lucky? How did I land this job, partner etc?
Sometimes, I believe, we think it’s happenstance, coincidental; like leaves blowing in the wind, we travel and land as the wind directs us. Although, we are continually making choices whether we are conscious of that or not and these choices, decisions and actions direct our course.
I’ve reflected on whether there are rhythms and patterns related to the choices, over the years as I work with people and I think it boils down to two decision patterns- when and where do we lean in and when and where do we turn away.
When and where do we lean in… what does that even mean?
To me it means what situations and experiences do we turn towards and say yes to. Where do we allow ourselves to feel our feelings and move more deeply into a person, a career, an experience, or even a dream, hope or wish.
It’s in those ordinary moments when we decide to tell someone how we feel or fill out the application or say yes to the date, the invitation, the opportunity, that we are deciding. We are deciding that we want something more than our concern about handling our feelings or managing the outcome of the experience. We lean into the potential of something and in so doing, set in motion a chain of events that changes a potential into an actual.
Conversely, where do we turn away?
When do we say no to ourselves? To an idea? To an opportunity? At these thresholds we are doing the same, we are charting our course by saying no, by avoiding, by denying, just as much as we do when we lean into. When we turn away, we are in effect saying I don’t want to feel this, look at this, join this, hope for this, risk this, try this or know this.
We are turning away to stay in place.
The illusion of the idea of standing still is that in turning away we are still setting in motion a chain of events that changes potential into an actual.
The next time you find yourself wondering why this happened, how you arrived here or thanked the luck of the stars or blessed the happy accident of good fortune, remember, our lives, our paths are not similar to leaves blowing in the wind. Instead, join with conscious decision making so that whether you are leaning in or turning away you claim the choice and in so doing claim the power of the potential.