10 Thoughts About 10 Years As A Psychotherapist
1. There is NO fixed destination.
People often look for a final destination, an ultimate arrival, as a business owner, a professional, an adult or in any perceptual lens or role you use to examine your life. Instead of a fixed destination, there is a never ending unfolding that happens, each milestone, accomplishment or insight opens you up to more. More learning, more opportunities for understanding, creating and experiencing.
2. Trust the process.
This is especially relevant when it seems most risky to do just that. Growth requires you to let go of who you were and open toward what you are not yet. When that process is gaining momentum, it often feels like “everything is going wrong” and this “change process was a bad idea”. If you stay the course, instead what happens is you awaken to new energy, new hope and new opportunities that were never possible before.
3. The things that pull at your heart are important and you need to listen to the wisdom of their messages.
When you turn away from those heartfelt questions and yearnings it disconnects you from joy; when you open to them you develop an abiding intimacy within yourself that fosters adventure and meaning.
4. Shame has the most destructive potential I’ve ever witnessed.
It hijacks connection. It can destroy love. It can justify violence. And it can actively harm everyone in its wake. The antidote to that destructive potential is;
5. Honoring your story, every bit of it, with compassion and acceptance.
That is the closest thing to a magic wand of healing there is. It disarms the power of shame by affirming your inherent worth and dignity.
6. There is NO ONE RIGHT WAY to build a life.
That notion is a powerful root of anxiety because the uncertainty involved in making a decision and plotting a course is difficult to tolerate. So, we look for a “right” way, we foster unhealthy dependencies on parents, on friends, on partners. We stay too long where we no longer fit and we shrink from where we can expand into, all in an effort to avoid the distress of uncertainty.
7. When you continue pursuing the calls of your heart, it all is worthwhile.
You do that by leaning into the limitless possibilities and tolerating the risks with making decisions. That process IS the gateway to understanding that all choices have meaning, all twists and turns have value.
8. Bad things happen to good people because life isn’t fair.
Pressuring yourself and others to subscribe to harmful platitudes like “everything happens for a reason” or “God never gives you more than you can handle” is an attempt to avert grief. Many beautiful souls have been hindered and held back by trauma, their resiliency is awe inspiring but THE TRAUMA DID NOT make them stronger or better. Their spirit, their support and often privileges inherent in our institutions and cultural norms have helped people to overcome trauma.
9. None of us are truly free to live our “best” lives until all of us are free to equitably pursue our “best” lives.
This is a concept Americans are deeply at odds with. Our rugged individualism often used as a means of masking inequitable systems, interferes with the universal truth that none of us are truly independent. We are interdependent, and when we can understand the importance of that without it threatening our individual identities, we will transform our systems so that all of us can be free.
