Peace Isn't What You Think It Is

Peace isn’t what you think it is.

We’ve been taught, culturally, that peace arrives at some future destination: financial security, conflict-free relationships, and work that feels deeply meaningful one hundred percent of the time. When we finally achieve the right external conditions, then—then—our internal world will settle. We’ll feel content. Safe. At ease.

That idea is everywhere.

Across the internet, we’re told to “protect our peace” by cutting off anything—or anyone—that causes discomfort. I’m protecting my peace, bye. Taken to an extreme, this isn’t the path to peace at all. It’s a path toward increased anxiety, isolation, and disconnection.

So what is peace? And how do we actually cultivate it?

Over the past few months, a group of Buddhist monks quietly showed us the answer.

I was deeply grateful to witness the monks walking for peace as they passed through Fredericksburg. As they approached, something shifted. The air felt different. The energy softened. I could immediately access a still center within myself—everything else faded into the background. I felt grounded, solid, contained.

That moment transported me back to a transformative period in my early twenties, when I first learned what peace truly is—and how to find it.

For two years, every Friday evening, I sat in meditation with the Missionaries of Charity, the contemplative order founded by Saint Teresa of Calcutta. Their vocation was prayer and presence, and they welcomed me into their weekly meditation practice.

I didn’t earn that invitation through achievement or spiritual merit. I was invited because I was suffering deeply, and a beloved mentor brought me there. Those two years changed my life.

Each evening followed the same simple ritual: an opening prayer, an hour or more of silent meditation, and a closing prayer. Before that, I had never meditated. I didn’t know what to expect—and it was intense.

I squirmed. My thoughts raced. My body was uncomfortable. My emotions were raw. Some nights I wanted to bolt for the door. And yet, the women—like the monks—already had a relationship with peace. They sensed my struggle. Sometimes they offered a gentle smile, a whispered word, or simply shifted their breathing in a way that reminded me I could stay. That I could move through whatever discomfort or pain was pulling me away from myself.

For a long time, the only relief I felt was when the closing prayer began—because it meant it was almost over.

Still, I kept returning.

Even though meditation initially amplified my suffering, I also experienced something else: the same grounded, steady presence I felt witnessing the monks. That presence felt like respite. I felt seen—every flaw, every mistake—and held anyway, in full presence and loving kindness.

Over time, the practice softened. Meditation became less abrasive, less effortful. I felt more spacious, less attached to the thoughts and sensations passing through me. And then, quietly, I began to experience moments of true presence.

I met peace.

That peace didn’t stay confined to the convent walls. It followed me into my daily life. Situations that once triggered reactivity no longer did. Instead, I found pauses. Space. Glimpses of understanding—of my own suffering and the suffering of others.

What I learned was this: peace arises when we stay present with all of our experience. Not because we like what’s happening, or approve of it, but because we stop resisting it. We stop trying to offload discomfort through avoidance or reaction. Presence creates freedom.

I still experienced distraction. I still felt discomfort. But I could stay with it—and move through it.

The women did for me what the monks are offering us now: a living demonstration that peace is found in how we meet each moment.

The monks have walked through intense heat, pouring rain, snow, ice, and bitter wind. They’ve moved through welcoming communities and hostile ones, through support and ridicule. And still, they walk—grounded in each step, each breath, each moment, with compassion.

That is peace.

Not perfect weather.
Not perfect relationships.
Not constant comfort—physical or emotional.

Peace is presence with what is. And from that presence, you always have a choice: to move around your experience, or to move through it—with awareness, dignity, and loving kindness.

The Case for Stillness

Go, go, go. Do, do, do. Get, get, get.
That’s the energy most of us are conditioned in from birth.

Worth becomes productivity, and productivity becomes the measure of your value. If you do more, you are more. And if you aren’t striving… well, what are you even doing? Rest is something you earn, and only after you’ve done “all the work,” whatever that means.

This mindset was especially prevalent in my generation (Gen X) and remains a cornerstone of Western culture. At the same time, I’m beginning to notice small signs of a cultural shift, an increasing awareness of the cost of chronic hustle. The quiet but important questions: For what? For who? Who is actually benefiting from all this grinding and striving?

One of the many problems with this framework is that it’s deeply reductive, profoundly disembodied, and fundamentally misaligned with our wholeness. Over time, it leads to burnout, depression, and habits that numb us to the very disconnection we’re trying to outrun.

And perhaps most strikingly, this approach rarely delivers on what it promises.

Our mind–body systems are designed to move in rhythms and cycles. Sometimes that rhythm calls for effort, productivity, and forward motion. And sometimes it calls for slowing down, resting, reflecting—simply being. When we habitually override rest and slowness, we dysregulate our entire system. We lose access to meaning-making, emotional depth, and our capacity for connection, joy, wonder, and love.

This is where the magic of stillness lives.

Stillness asks nothing of you. There’s no striving, no destination, no achievement. There is only being here, now, noticing what is. That can feel deeply uncomfortable, threatening; especially if staying busy has been how you’ve survived.

The initial discomfort of stillness understandably sends many people rushing back into action.

But when stillness is practiced consistently, something shifts. Over time, your system recognizes it as a natural state. Relief emerges. You begin to feel into the fuller dimensions of who you are; separate from what you produce or accomplish. This is how we start to reclaim wholeness.

Winter, as a natural cycle, is an incredible teacher in developing a relationship with stillness. Winter embodies being rather than performing. It models quiet deepening, and restoration—not expansion, acceleration, or bloom. And perhaps most powerfully, winter reminds us how essential this rhythm is for growth itself.

Rest and reflection, when held in harmony with action and productivity, is the cycle that fuels inspiration, motivation, and meaningful engagement with the world.

So how do you begin a relationship with stillness?

Start by making peace with the fact that it will likely feel uncomfortable and maybe even pointless, at first. If you can stay with that discomfort and allow it to move through you (and it will), you’ll begin to sense the steady calm beneath all the noise.

Practically speaking, carve out 10–15 minutes a day to do nothing. (You already spend more time than that scrolling, so this isn’t about time.)

You might:

• Sit and look out a window, just being.
  
  

• Lie on the floor and follow the rhythm of your breath.
  
  

• Stand outside and simply notice what it feels like to be in your body and with your surroundings.
  
  

Daily connection with stillness helps you recognize the cues your body is always offering. You begin to notice when you need rest, when you need a pause, and—just as importantly—when you feel genuinely ready to take action.

And yes, I hear you. The demands of life are real. Being overwhelmed and under-resourced is real.
And also, there are ways to honor your inner rhythm within the chaos of your current situation, even if it’s only 5 minutes.

It may not be perfect. It may not be ideal.
But it can be enough to reconnect you with more of who you truly are.

Year End Reflections - Emotional Agility Is The Move

So often we decide, “If I get it right, if I make the right choices, then I can lock in and ride out a good life”. If you sit back to reflect on that notion, there are so many issues with it…

First off, what does get it right mean?

Who determines what right choices are, and how are those right choices measured?

Is it determined by how comfortable we are?

Then there’s the issue with locking in and riding out;  those states of being that don't really even exist.  Life changes, we change, unexpected events happen, so there's no viable pathway to lock anything in.

And then finally, a good life, what the heck is that?

What your parents told you was a good life?

What the culture, your friends, the media told you was a good life?

And how is that even determined?  

It’s understandable that we do this, our brains want certainty, thinking that translates to security.  Who doesn’t want security?  Security in your life is absolutely possible, but not by creating some external picture that you then try to control.  Security develops on the inside, it’s a deep rootedness in knowing that however life twists and turns, whatever unexpected experiences or hoped for outcomes occur or don’t come to pass, you can trust in your ability to take care of yourself, your heart and to live into your values. That type of grounded relationship to your life and yourself is the cornerstone of security.

How do you begin to build that internal sense of security?

Two words, emotional agility.

This concept was developed by Dr. Susan David, a leading expert on emotional intelligence.  She defines emotional agility as “The ability to navigate one’s emotions with flexibility, without ignoring them or letting them control you”. It is a practice of using your emotions as information to help guide you.  When you develop skill in emotional agility you become able to adapt, to be curious, to be open to change; all skills that over time support you in living a life RICH and MEANINGFUL to YOU.  You become less reactive, less rigid, less braced for the inevitable shoe to drop.

At year's end, I usually reflect on what I noticed, what I learned, what I unlearned, and how that matters to me and to the people around me both at work and at home. This year,  I’ve witnessed myself make several decisions based on emotional agility both in my business and personal life.  I moved offices and entered into a new type of business collaboration, I hired more clinicians, I began remodeling my outbuilding to move the practice to, I’ve expanded the services I offer to include retreats and held several of these groups at my home.

Each of these choices were connected to emotional agility.  Most of them were never in “the plan”. I changed course because circumstances changed, and although several of these decisions were a bit scary, I am finding security inside myself, rather than trying to control the outcomes of these decisions. I’ve witnessed countless clients connect with deep meaning, deep joy and deep forgiveness through the practice of emotional agility. I’ve felt the freedom of the practice and I’ve watched others connect to freedom by letting go of what they were supposed to do and instead learned how to choose themselves through their values in whatever situation they found themselves in. 

Emotional agility releases you from the nagging fear and anxiety centered in things needing to be a certain way, instead inviting you to explore what is happening, using curiosity to guide you through the situation. I don’t think we ever arrive at PERFECT emotional agility, nor do I think that’s the point. Developing this practice will, however, bring much more internal peace and security without resorting to avoidance, numbing, blame or control to gain what I like to call faux peace.  It will bring excitement into your experience and it will reconnect you with mystery and possibility, all of which enriches your experience of this one beautiful life you are living and we are living alongside each other.

If you want to learn more about emotional agility, check out Dr. David’s book, titled unsurprisingly… Emotional Agility.

And if you are looking for a practical way to build a relationship with yourself and your life consider our month long Introduction to Journaling, an online experience that will support you in exploring several different approaches to journaling and guide you through exploring those approaches.  We’ll also meet on zoom each week to process your experiences with the material. We start January 1, I sure hope to see you there.

Thank you for spending your valuable time reading these blogs I write and engaging with our social media, workshops and courses. I love my work and I hope it brings a little more clarity, support and hope to anyone who connects with it.  I wish each of you a year that surprises you, delights you and opens you to the awareness that you are held in love exactly as you are.

This Is What I Discovered About Love This Year

We often talk about aspects of love when we say things like, “Love is kind, they did that for me because they love me, or even, if they loved me they wouldn’t… or shoudn’t…  do something.” We talk about love in terms of patience, generosity, support, commitment, quality time, and understanding as much as we label behaviors and traits that we believe aren’t loving.  Things like selfishness, dismissiveness, abrasiveness are commonly labeled as such.

This is what I discovered about love this year:

Love is so much more than any one aspect of it and so much more than the sum of all its parts.

It’s the life force that makes everything possible. And while those traits I mentioned are aspects of love, they aren’t synonyms for love. Love is ALL of these qualities and MORE, also existing in choices and decisions often perceived as unloving. 

Every year on my birthday I pick a word to center on throughout the year, last year it was love.  I spent the year noticing love, reflecting on love, getting curious about my own relationship with love and examining the impact of love in my life as well as the impact of love on others. 

When I noticed loving behavior like courtesy, kindness, attentiveness, comfort, even acts involving uncomfortable honesty and fierce boundary setting, either demonstrated by me or others, I watched the impact. I noticed what happened inside me when I practiced those qualities or was on the receiving end of actions that seemed to be motivated by those traits. 

The gentler expressions of love as you might imagine, left me with a felt sense of feeling seen, and valued. Acting in those ways toward others seemed to produce an inner calm, a quiet resonance. When those expressions were more fierce, more uncomfortable, I still witnessed and felt that quiet resonance underneath the discomfort.

As I continued to reflect on what I was noticing it seemed to me that those instances of loving action connected people to a knowing about love, almost like breadcrumbs  along a path. Reminders of the power of love whether gentle or fierce.

But when I reflected on love as an energy that contained all of those qualities and more and looked at the impact on my life, I became acutely aware that when people showed up embodying love, not just expressing it,  at various times in my life, it transformed me. It either changed the direction of my life, expanded my life exponentially or helped me discover myself on levels I know I wouldn’t have gone to, were it not for love inspiring me.

I discovered the practice of love is alchemical.

It made me think about a philosophical principle I read decades ago and wrestled with over many years before getting it, “what is TRULY loving for one in a situation is TRULY loving for all in that situation”. 

When I first encountered that principle, it seemed ridiculously privileged. I kept turning it over and over in my mind, continuing to come back to the word TRULY… I began to believe that word is the most important in this principle.

We can say all kinds of things are loving, they may even be a part of love, or we may have rationalized that they are, but that doesn’t mean those actions are TRULY loving. I think the alchemical aspect of TRULY loving is an energy that comes from a deep knowing that no matter how uncomfortable I am in this situation I will live into my values as deeply as I can for myself and for the others involved.

When we do that we are often asked to stretch in uncomfortable ways. Sometimes we’re asked to inconvenience ourselves repeatedly, sometimes it asks us to say hard truths and make hard choices.  Sometimes it means not saying what we really want to say or even saying something that we are uncomfortable saying, letting all the pieces of the puzzle go where they may.  That’s when the alchemy happens, that's when you truly see love as a force that can’t help but transform, regardless of our opinions about the transformation.

Discovering that this year and understanding more deeply the impact of love as the most powerful force there is, has opened me to release more, to trust more, and to notice more, especially when I want to turn away.  What a gift.  

This year, I'll uphold this new tradition, eager to see how these insights into love shape my outlook and deepen my grasp of my chosen word for the year: connection.

Scrolling, The Near Enemy of Connection

In Buddhism there is the concept of near and far enemies related to what are considered the immeasurable qualities of a wise, open heart. These four immeasurable qualities are:

• loving kindness

• compassion

• appreciative joy

• and equanimity

As you might assume far enemies are the opposites of these qualities, cruelty is the far enemy of compassion and ill will is the far enemy of loving kindness. Near enemies however, are more nuanced, more challenging to recognize. They share some similarities with the quality but also key differences. So you can easily think you are possessing the quality, when in fact you are actually working against yourself in developing that specific quality.

For example, the near enemy of compassion is pity.  Pity and compassion definitely include an acknowledgement of suffering and is often expressed in verbally similar ways with statements like "I'm really sorry that is happening to you.”  The key difference is that in compassion there is no separateness, there is a recognition that we all suffer and we can find ourselves within the other’s suffering.

Pity is underpinned with separateness, and a sort of hierarchy that contains the idea that it may be happening to them but it couldn’t happen to me because _________.

Oftentimes people can confuse pity as compassion, when it is in fact an obstacle to true compassion which acknowledges suffering with empathy, a connection to the suffering and a desire to relieve it from a place of shared humanity.  Pity, inferring separateness actually prevents the expression of compassion.  

Although a profoundly useful lens in and of itself to apply to any self reflection practice, I started thinking about it in terms of our relationship with devices, the internet and social media…

Clearly, we can make a case that our relationship with it works against equanimity, a calmness of being, because it involves the near enemy of craving and aversion.  We are often either craving it as a distraction or trying to avoid it because it is a distraction. I started thinking about it in terms of acting as a near enemy to well rounded living, to being, to connection.

How does it do that?

If I think about trends in my own algorithm, some frequent themes are funny dog videos, art, flower growing, yoga/meditation and psychology/philosophy centered content.

Umm, that seems pretty aligned with many of my professional and personal interests...  So how is an aligned algorithm a potential near enemy to my actual relationship with these interests in my life?

If I’m watching tons of flower growing and arranging videos, my brain gets tricked into thinking I’m engaging in those activities, and although I may be learning, I’m not fully experiencing a relationship with the interest and that is the key difference. I can’t think of a single time when I’ve finished scrolling and felt satisfaction, contentment or fulfillment; I have often felt like I’ve eaten too much junk food.

When I am outside digging, planting, fertilizing or at the store buying varieties of seeds, I’m engaging with the whole experience AND the felt sense of the experience, the overwhelm, when I’m trying something new, the uncertainty when I’m making decisions, the excitement connected to both the process and the outcome and these are the dimensions of experience that our entire mind body system needs to feel alive and embodied.

Those full experiences are what allows us to derive meaning from the relationship to the interest, widening our world, deepening our understanding of ourselves and the world around us in a way that scrolling through videos can’t; because there's no application, no true connection.

Does that mean I can’t ever scroll?  No, that would be aversion, another near enemy.

It means that the more I support myself in applying what I watch in connection to the experience or the hobby the more I’m in balance with both with my devices and in the practice of equanimity. I’m not craving or avoiding digital content, I’m mindfully engaging with it but investing most of my energy into the application and practice of those interests in my life.  

I believe that using this lens to reflect on your relationship with digital content will also decrease the often accompanying self criticism about the overuse of your devices.  Instead it can help you understand more about your interests, about what you may need more of in your life and a place to start engaging with those needs and experiences in your day to day life. Will that feel more uncomfortable and less pleasurable at first? Absolutely. Over time however, you will begin to notice that maybe you’re thinking about the interest more, maybe even looking forward to more engagement with it. That’s when you’ll feel it, the satisfaction and fulfillment of whole connection.

Non Attachment Saved Me

For most of my life, I’ve intellectually understood and accepted non attachment as a useful mindset. But to be real… I’ve kept that practice at arm’s length pretty consistently, until almost three years ago.

In 2013, my life started smoothing out. I was in a rhythm with parenting, with my business, and with caring for my health. The challenges and hurdles seemed to be mostly in my rearview mirror, which I was so grateful for. 

 It also seemed like the universe was finally saying to my dearest friend, and me, that it was our time. We met in 1995 and quickly became deep, close friends. It felt almost instant; we talked every day, we supported each other's dreams, comforted each other's fears, adventured together, and laughed constantly.  There was deep love, but the timing was never right for anything more… until it was. 

When that spark ignited in 2013 I felt like our lives and the universe had conspired to give us this gift, this happily ever after. We built that new dimension of love slowly, steadily, with intention and gratitude. We created what both of us always wanted, a relationship that was a sanctuary. We were in the flow, absolutely delighted and very attached to our story, to our marriage and to the family we blended. It felt like I had turned the corner from learning through pain to learning through love and peace. Everything finally fit, and together we were creating our dreams in the present and our plans and dreams for the future. 

We knew each other through and through. We’d witnessed so many of each other's life chapters that the security, the certainty felt unshakable.  I knew him as a whole human, I witnessed his shadow and he witnessed mine.  I wasn’t naive about the challenges we would face, I was fairly certain there might be several, and that’s what added to my security, it seemed  realistically real.

And it was real, until it wasn’t.  Until the one thing I would have bet my life wouldn’t happen, happened. It fractured our marriage instantly and completely. I was in total shock. My mind couldn’t make sense of what was happening.  We’d done everything right. We built our relationship with honesty and intention. I couldn’t reconcile that lived experience with what I had discovered. We were supposed to be each other’s happily ever after. Overnight, almost everything I knew about my life outside of my work, was gone. 

That’s when I began to live into the power of non attachment.  If I clung to the story of the life I had, and the identity wrapped up in that life, I knew I wouldn’t emotionally survive it, it truly felt like non attachment was the only lifeline I had to hold on to to rebuild myself.  

I had to live into flow, not just talk about it, I had to release the certainty and security of the structure of my life and allow so much of it to fall away.

 I had to let go of the story that our love and our marriage was the calm after so many storms.

 I kept thinking about how I felt like the winter trees I often talk about in my work, their essence is laid bare, and I tried to center myself in the beauty of that essence, the rawness and vulnerability of it. 

I let non attachment begin to work its magic. I didn’t have to know who I was becoming or where I was going, just like the trees, I could just be in the day I was in.  I could let what showed up in the present be enough. I could notice what remained.  And in that raw vulnerability I started growing new roots, a few new branches and some tiny leaves.  I started finding a rhythm in my life on my own. I was gaining confidence in my ability to accept my life on life's terms in this new chapter.  

And then about 18 months into that process, he died. 

 I felt like I was right back at square one. The grief leveled me emotionally. It felt like I had just gotten my sea legs, and suddenly I was back underwater, clinging to denial, I felt like I couldn’t bear accepting that he was gone. 

He was still woven into every part of me.  I hadn’t even finished making sense of what fractured us and I had to somehow make sense of the fact that he was gone. 

 I would not ever hear his booming voice again or his infectious laugh. I wouldn’t ever feel the sturdiness of his energy, or the warmth of his hand.  

Because even though our life together had fractured, I still felt connected to his physical presence.  Life  invited me to release more. 

Non attachment offered me a path to release the certainty and comfort his physical existence still offered me. Again, more deeply this time; I had to release the attachments to him, to our story and to the whys, if I wanted to get through the grief.  

Non attachment allowed the waves of grief to knock me down.  

Non attachment allowed me to release the fear of the grief, and instead let it transform me, into someone new, someone I’m just starting to get to know.  

Non attachment opened me so I could really lean into the gift of the love that my grief honored. 

Non attachment soothed my fears about what the future would look like by connecting me to the beauty of what was present in my life now so I could experience the freedom of trusting myself. 

Non attachment taught me how to let go of the whys and lean into what is.

And non attachment gave me permission to throw away the rule book I was still secretly attached to and instead create a living breathing work of art through living my life with my eyes and heart open. Open to hold, to discover and to release, not attach to.  

I’m starting to realize and believe that just as deeply as our love, marriage and life together healed me and held me; the loss of our life together and of him, is also healing me and holding me. It just looks and feels different now.

---

Coming Soon…

Connection through Creativity 🌿

A 6-week journey to reconnect with your creative flow, ease anxiety, and find clarity in what truly matters to you. Through guided art, writing, and mixed-media practices, you’ll explore self-expression, build confidence, and set intentions for the life you want to create.

No artistic experience needed, just bring your curiosity and an open heart.

Stay tuned for dates + details!

Maiden, Mother, Crone ✨

A workshop for women centered on integrating these archetypal influences into your life to deepen your understanding of yourself and your power

Everyone Is Creative: Reclaiming the Joy of Playful Expression

At some point, many of us begin to believe a quiet but persistent myth: I’m just not a creative person.

Maybe it came from a childhood comment, a comparison to someone else, or the belief that creativity must look a certain way—paintings in a gallery, a novel on a shelf, a flawless performance. But the truth is, creativity is not a talent reserved for the few. It’s a relationship we each hold—with curiosity, with play, with the deeper parts of ourselves.

Creativity Is Playful Connection

At its heart, creativity is a form of play. It asks us to wonder, to explore, to follow a thread without knowing where it leads. It’s not about being “good” at something. It’s about staying open.

Psychiatrist and author Dan Siegel speaks about the “plane of possibility”—a spacious state of mind where we can imagine, discover, and expand beyond our habitual patterns. Creativity is one of the most direct portals to this place. When we draw, write, move, or make music without judgment or agenda, we step into that plane of openness. And from there, healing becomes possible.

No Outcome Required

One of the most powerful shifts we can make is redefining success.
Creativity doesn’t need to produce a result to be worthwhile. The act of creating is the value. Whether it’s doodling in a journal, dancing in your living room, or writing a messy poem no one else will read, creativity reconnects us with the process of doing rather than proving.

This is where many women rediscover a part of themselves that’s been waiting quietly in the wings—permission to play, to feel, to express without needing it to “go somewhere.”

The Benefits of Cultivating Creativity

Rebuilding a relationship with your creative self can be transformative. It's not just about fun (though fun is wonderful!). It also offers:

• Stress relief – creative activities soothe the nervous system and offer a sense of rhythm and presence.

• Emotional processing – art and movement can express what words cannot, giving form to feelings that feel too big or too complex.

• Energy and vitality – engaging with your imagination can re-energize your body and mind.

• Integration of self – creativity helps bridge inner parts that may feel disconnected or unseen.

• Exploration – it becomes a sacred practice of curiosity, inviting you to meet new aspects of yourself.

How to Begin Reconnecting with Your Creativity

There’s no one right way. Start where there’s a spark—or even a flicker. Some simple ways to begin:

• Movement – gentle stretching, free dance, or walking while letting your thoughts wander

• Writing – try stream-of-consciousness journaling, a short story, or even writing a letter to your younger self

• Music or performance – hum, sing, act out a scene, or revisit an instrument you once loved

• Visual art – doodle in your journal, paint on canvas, play with color and shape with no plan in mind

Give yourself permission to be imperfect. To begin. To play.

Creativity isn’t something you have to earn. It’s something you already hold within.
It’s your birthright. A gentle power that helps you feel, imagine, and come home to yourself.

And it’s never too late to begin again.

14 Lessons from 14 Years: Insights from a Therapist in Private Practice

Knowing that I don’t know more than I know, is what keeps me open, curious and flexible.

This is based on an attitude of mindfulness called beginner’s mind.  As soon as I decide that I know, I stop being truly open.  When I’m not open, I’m not present.  When I’m not present, I can’t really even see the person or people I’m with.  That’s true in my work and in my personal life.  If I stay centered in not knowing, there is an energy of discovery that inspires me to be more curious and helps me to be more present.  In that energy, the people around me feel seen and I feel like I’m a part of something much bigger than my ego or the facts my mind says matter so much.

Owning a small business has taught me how to hold space for both the freedom of autonomy and the, at times, overwhelming pressure, which taught me that:

Creativity flourishes in an atmosphere of freedom, focus and consistency

These two beliefs highlight how freedom continues to be the perennial muse for me. In the pursuit of professional freedom, I’ve had to learn to deal with the pressures of being a business owner AND being the service/product I offer. Even on the days or seasons that it seems too risky, it remains totally worth it because for me, facing those pressures creatively is what deepens my sense of personal freedom.

Good therapy is grounded in science, really good therapy is a blend of art and science.

I’ve come to believe this wholeheartedly. I’ve witnessed countless times where the reigniting of hope, of faith, of trust comes from following a hunch based on a picture I see in my head, or a word I can’t shake during a session. That’s the art;  it’s surrendering to the dynamic process of psychotherapy, trusting that the science is the paint and the painting is co-created from the openhearted connection between the therapist and the client.

You can only meet others to the depth you have met yourself (this is a hill I will die on).

I’ve come to believe this in my core. Clients can feel the energy of the therapist, they can feel if I’m genuinely ok going where they need to go. Being able to walk alongside them wherever they need to go, is often what is so reparative for them. You can’t fake it. It will erode the trust in a nanosecond. I think this is true in personal relationships too. When I stay centered in this construct, I don’t create unrealistic expectations of others, which actually helps me to see and appreciate people as they are (this is very much a progress not perfection thing for me).

This work restores my faith in the human spirit and at the same time, challenges me to not lose faith in humanity.

I’m moved to tears on a weekly basis, sometimes daily basis, by the courage and tenacity of the human heart.  I’ve witnessed hundreds of people transform and recover from horrific atrocities to build meaningful, joy filled, lives. It’s truly the most humbling thing I’ve witnessed. At the same time, it’s hard to reconcile this with the depravity of the crimes my clients suffer, the systems that oppress them, and the seemingly unrelenting violence against vulnerability and innocence. I believe, at least I do right now, that inhabiting the space where I’m willing to wrestle with the ills of humanity while being simultaneously inspired by the human heart is an act of respect for my clients’ lived experiences. I hope staying in the discomfort of the tension between those two states will help me to keep growing, so I can contribute more to the solutions than I do to the problems.

The more I care for myself, the more I can care for my clients.

Energy doesn’t lie.  When I care for myself, consistently,  I have the energy I need to be present for each of my clients.  They can feel the resonance of what I’m saying to them if I’m centered in the same practices. Again, there’s no faking it with this.

I think I’ve learned more from my clients than they’ve learned from me.

The relationships I have or have had with my clients has, and continues to transform who I am. What an incredible gift that is, one I don’t think I can ever pay back fully.

Therapeutic self disclosure, when used mindfully, IS a powerful tool for clients.

I’m not quite certain why it’s so powerful, it seems like a situation where the sum is greater than the total of its parts. What I do know, is that sharing my humanity, (intentionally and skillfully) is how a heart can remember it is connected to other hearts, it’s safe and it can heal.

I love lunch, and my lunch hour is sacred.

The entire time I’ve been in business, I’ve blocked off the hour of 12-1 for lunch.  I think it’s one of the smartest business decisions I made. It gives me time to rest, to recharge and to eat without rushing, which I always enjoy, AND midday eating is simply the best. It’s when food hits just right.  Lunch is a love note I give myself on a daily basis, and If you know me, you know it always ends with some dark chocolate.

Owning my mistakes with clients helps build trust as much as getting it right does.

We all miss the mark. Trust in relationships is built with emotional safety, and owning my mistakes creates an atmosphere of safety.  Yes, clients need to feel like I’m competent to help them, but part of that competence is being human.  In grad school, I worried a lot about making mistakes with clients.  I was so concerned the mistakes would undermine the trust clients had in me. I was so wrong.  Do I need to learn from my mistakes so I don’t keep making the same ones, absolutely. Owning them when they happen is the first step in learning from them.

The more we all learn to feel safe within ourselves in uncertainty, the more we will individually and collectively heal, (another hill I will die on).

Life is uncertain and there are so many unknowns as we navigate the uncertainty.  If we pretend that isn’t true, it creates significant mental distress.  Coping with uncertainty around us by building an internal sense of safety feels similar to living in a well built house with a sturdy foundation and good roof during a storm.  It doesn’t influence when the storm ends, it does give you the felt sense of safety you need to help you feel your way through it. 

Clear is kind, unclear is unkind, thank you Brene Brown.

Clarity reduces anxiety. It helps people to trust themselves and their perceptions and at the same time it reduces the risk of misunderstanding and misguided assumptions.  It’s a way of demonstrating respect for yourself and others because it says I know there is nothing inherently wrong with expressing myself (it is our power) and I trust that you (the other) are capable of dealing with it.

Listening, truly listening, is the language of love.

This isn’t something that words can describe well. Try it, I think you’ll feel the same. 

I am so grateful I get to practice what I love everyday. 

---

Discover How To Nurture Your Heart’s Intentions: Cultivate Growth Through Shedding, Learning & Rebirth

Reserve Your Spot to Harness the Energy of Transformation—Shed, Grow & Rebirth with Intention ON SALE for only $375

Sold out

A Journey Back To Self: A Women-Centered Experiential Workshop

$375.00

In the transformative energy of the Year of the Snake, we invite you to step into the woods and embark on a journey of growth, stability, and creativity. This immersive, women-centered workshop is designed to help you shed what no longer serves you, engage in the dual process of learning and unlearning, and experience a powerful rebirth.

Who Is This Workshop For?
This experience is for Gen X and Millennial women who are ready to:

• Deepen their curiosity, compassion, and connection to self

• Release old patterns and embrace transformation

• Engage in movement, meditation, and creative expression to nurture personal growth

When Is This Workshop?

• April 12, 2025 10 AM to 2:30 PM

What to Expect in This 4.5-Hour Workshop:

Shedding – Letting Go with Intention

• Collective Reiki and breathwork to cultivate curiosity

• Embodiment-based movement to embrace openness

• Journaling and group discussion to facilitate release

Learning & Unlearning – Embracing the Dual Process

• Mindful eating to practice presence

• Meditation to explore the layers of learning and unlearning

• Expressive art to experience the freedom of transformation

Rebirth – Stepping into Your Power

• Reiki and breathwork to ground into your inherent worth

• Meditation to connect with the expansiveness of self

• Art exercises to embrace inner confidence

Your Investment: $375 (Limited to 8 Participants)

Your fee includes:
✅ Workshop experience in a serene, rural setting in Stafford
✅ All supplies and nourishing snacks
✅ A journal to support continued growth and reflection
✅ A 90-day post-workshop Zoom check-in for integration and support

Spots are limited—reserve your place today and begin your journey back to self.

***If this retreat is something you're interested in, but your current budget doesn't allow for this price point. Please contact us alison@alisonsintegrativehealth.org

Add to cart

2023 In Review Using GLAD

Arriving at the end of another year invites us to focus on introspection and self reflection.

Rhythms and cycles are woven into every aspect of our lives, from the automatic rhythm of our breath as we inhale and exhale, to the continuous cycles of the sun, the moon and the seasons.  We spend our lives entwined in these patterns, many times not exploring the power of consciously partnering with them. (And yes, this might be a teaser of a project I’m working on).

Using the end of a calendar year to reflect on your experiences of yourself and your life, the patterns, structure, choices and results, is a powerful tool for partnering with the ending and beginning of a new yearly cycle. It can also be an overwhelming exercise to consider, with thoughts similar to, “How do I review a whole year? I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast this morning.” Finding a manageable and meaningful way to begin a self reflection process can be challenging.

2023 was a transformational year for me, and even though I have developed introspective and self reflective practices for decades, I was finding that reflecting on my year in a meaningful way felt TOUGH. I kept listing events and experiences, which was helpful in acknowledging the content of the year but it wasn’t supporting my goal to find meaning. 

So I pulled out an OLD mindfulness tool; one I included in the first workshop I created years ago, Mindfulness 101.  The exercise is called GLAD and is significantly beneficial for general mood management and specifically depressive tendencies.  The exercise as originally intended suggests that you acknowledge;

One small experience you are GRATEFUL for that day

One small thing that you LEARNED that day

One small ACCOMPLISHMENT for that day

And one small DELIGHT you experienced that day.

It’s effective when practiced consistently because it broadens your perception of your experience and opens you to notice daily experiences that bring meaning and purpose to your life. I decided to adapt it as a way to reflect on my year.  I stayed with the basic approach and allowed myself to be flexible about how I described each category. If I wanted to add it more for each or wanted to summarize a category by describing a theme, then I did that.  Here’s a bit of what I came up with.

This year, what I am grateful for is the grounded awareness that I can trust myself to live within my values, even when it is painful to do so. That doesn't mean I make “right” decisions, rather it means that I can trust myself to both be responsible for the decisions I make and change course when my values indicate that I need to.  The grounded awareness of that trust has liberated me to take more risks and to be more vulnerable, trusting myself to care for myself no matter what the outcome. 

This year, I learned that the love we offer ourselves and others as well as the love that is offered to us, is what can make the difference between surviving unexpected challenges and losses and learning, growing and thriving through those same difficulties. Love as a force, filled in the gaps when I reached my capacity, it lightened my load when I could hold no more, it witnessed with kind compassion, my grief  and it preserved my connection to hope.

This year I accomplished a business restructuring to align with my current needs and I was able to make real progress on a decades long whisper in my heart, what I’ve come to refer to as a heart seed, this seed was planted during 2023 and is currently growing.  It has stretched me and unsettled me and excited me.  As all heart centered pursuits tend to do. 

This year I delighted in gathering my first crop of dahlia seeds from my own harvest.  I delighted in a few spontaneous and fun trips that made my belly ache from laughing and my feet hurt from dancing. And I delighted in a few new relationships I cultivated this year that reawakened some dormant, neglected aspects of myself that I deeply love.

If you are looking to start a relationship or perhaps deepen your relationship with New Year’s reflection, using GLAD can support you in both broadening your perspective on your year while also helping you to find meaning in your experiences this year.

Looking ahead to what is beginning; in 2024 I’m looking forward to offering a 4 part talk series aligned with each season, the first, Harnessing the Power of Winter Stillness will be offered sometime in late January.  Details about the event and how to sign up are on the way!

I’m also looking forward to so many additional creative projects both within the practice and in my personal life, and as always, I’m looking forward to walking alongside many of you as you rediscover your voice and reclaim the power of using it in support of all your selves, past, present and future.

I wish each of you a new year filled with deep authentic connection to yourself and others and real moments of joy as you continue discovering and rediscovering how beautiful you are in mind body and spirit.

Harvest Season

Let’s be real, it’s what we look forward to in our gardens and in our lives, especially if we have planted seeds with intention, care, support and weathered the storms and uncertainty of the germination and growing process.

When I think about harvest season metaphorically, I think about heart centered seeds.  Heart seeds of dreams, values and hopes.  Harvest season rewards us with evidence of those heart centered energy investments.  It confirms our hopes and fuels our dreams.

We celebrate fruition.

Unless you are experiencing a disappointing harvest in your garden or life.  One with depleted blooms, injured or diseased crops, crops that either never germinated or died earlier in their growth cycle. Those harvest seasons tempt us to avoid reflection or even connection in any sense with what contributed to a harvest we didn’t want or expect.  Of course there are factors that are outside of our control, even if we shelter our gardens filled with the seeds of our heart from storms. Even if we provide extra supports to help them weather the storms, sometimes that’s not enough and the storms will wipe out a crop despite our best efforts to protect it, to help it survive, and give it a chance to thrive.

Those are heartbreaking cycles that also provide us with opportunities to let go; to practice nonattachment to outcomes and stay engaged with a heart centered process.

Disappointing harvests are also opportunities to reflect on how you may have contributed to an outcome you didn’t anticipate.

Reflecting on your decisions and behaviors with questions like; Did I plant with intention?  Or was it more with distraction?  Did I consistently attune to the needs of those heart seeds in the garden, learning, fertilizing, watering, and supporting? Or did I engage in a more haphazard way, when I felt like it, because, I was busy? Was I disengaged because I was growing something someone else wanted that I don’t even care that much about?

Reflecting on your personal contribution to the harvest you are reaping builds capacity for growth, it desensitizes you to paralyzing shame by reinforcing your humanness, your flawed nature and it builds self trust.  Self reflection when paired with personal accountability can become rocket fuel to build consistency in heart centered endeavors. When you  become more intentional not only about what you plant but why you are planting it you then are more motivated to support those seeds into a bountiful blooming season.

This month I’ve entered a second harvest season within a year. The first, was a heartbreaking harvest season, that required acceptance of storm damage the heart seeds in this garden couldn’t withstand and reflection on how my own decisions in the planting stages influenced the probability of the disappointing harvest. It was a reckoning in which I came to understand that the new knowledge I was implementing in crop support, fertilization, and expansion, wasn’t ever going to produce the results I hoped for with this heart centered garden, the soil it was planted in was not going to adapt and evolve.

So, I changed course and utilized that new knowledge in planting new seeds, while at the same time staying consistent in caring for the emerging blooming season of one of my oldest and most heart centered seed crop.

And this November I’m celebrating the incredible blooming cycle of this aspect of my garden. I’ve witnessed the results of authentic tenacity and the true belonging that accompanies that steadfast commitment to heart seeds planted decades ago, consistently cared for, even when the care was uninformed, even ignorant to important care factors that would support the seed growth cycle more comprehensively.

These seeds still thrived.

In the blooms, I saw the strength of the roots, the impact of the learning, the fertilizing and most awe inspiring, the unique expression of these flowers in the world. It frankly took my breath away…

To witness the expression of who these blooms are separate from me and yet inextricably linked to my intention and care is an experience that confirms my beliefs in the power of love. It strengthened my own roots as a person and my vision as an intentional gardener of dreams. I’m also beginning to witness some of the newer seeds germinating into exciting seedlings of potential.

Harvest season is of course both/and.

It’s a season to celebrate the bountiful harvest and to grieve the disappointing losses. Always learning and celebrating both for the wisdom and growth potential they invite us into relationship with. What is your current harvest season about? And how are you planting your heart seeds for the next harvest cycle? Take a look at your contributions to both, it matters and so do you.

Choose to Bloom

In the middle of a recent Reiki attunement, regular attunements are a vital aspect of my self care as a therapist, I heard the sentence “Choose to bloom.” so clearly in my mind. Although it’s typical for me to get clarity about various aspects of my life during these attunements, singular sentences that ground the entire session are a fairly new trend, in another recent attunement I heard, “Hold the line, and stand your ground”, but more on that in another blog.

I sunk down into the concept of the sentence, choose to bloom, and overlaid it onto experiences I've had as a flower grower, experiences I’ve witnessed as a therapist and experiences I’ve had and witnessed because I’m a human, living a life. The powerful truth in that simple sentence was deeply apparent across all of them. 

As a flower grower, (and social worker) I understand the importance of soil.  Soil is the foundation that nourishes the potential of the flower seed. If the soil is depleted or imbalanced, the seed will not absorb enough nutrients to germinate and grow into its potential, much like people. So I care for the soil I plant my flowers in.  Once the seeds germinate and become seedlings, they need water, sunlight, extra nutrients and support during various stages of growth and development, again similar to people.

I take pride in the care and attention I provide my flowers across all of their growth cycles. But there comes a time in a flower’s development where fertilizing it, or attending to it in other ways, creates confusion in the flower’s energy and can lead to the flower not blooming, it may bud, but the bloom won’t mature and open. Many times, in fact most of the time, when growing flowers, this is where the magic is so loud and spectacular that it highlights the truth of that sentence, you have to choose to bloom. Overnight, in the secrecy of darkness, many flowers will open their blooms to greet you in the morning sunlight, others begin in the morning with a bud and by the end of a sunny day, have opened into a full beautiful bloom.  On their own, they harnessed all the growth that gave them the energy and understanding, the support and timing to bloom. It truly feels like they do choose to bloom.

I think we are the same.  At some point, we understand the soil of our lives, its issues, its beneficial aspects and at that point we can amend the soil, enrich it and rebalance it so we can grow, heal, nurture and support ourselves. That’s when we begin a blooming cycle.  If we become too attached to healing, repairing, nurturing, we will confuse our energies and delay our ability to bloom into the full potential of what we have been growing in ourselves and in our lives. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be another season of growing and healing, rather it means, we also have to allow ourselves to bloom into the expression of the growth that has already occurred.

How do you recognize when it’s time?

Essentially, your gut knows, that deep inner wisdom and your connection to it, knows. You’ve done the repairs, you can see and document the work you’ve done because there is evidence EVERYWHERE, and you probably feel a little afraid or maybe doubtful to step into the fullness of that work, which is the bloom.  It’s potential energy that is able to be expressed in a beautiful way in the physical world.  Every part of you knows, the ingredients, the structures, the space is there, you just have to choose it. 

That’s when you’re in your blooming cycle.

That’s when it's time.

If this resonates with you, I encourage you to choose to bloom. Trust that you’re ready. It’s time, you deserve to feel the full expression of all the work you’ve done and the world needs to see your beautiful bloom. 

Burnout, What Why and How

Does it ever feel like your to do list never ends?

Do you feel like you can’t do anything for yourself until you knock another chore off your list?

Girl, same. And we all feel this way sometimes.   Do you ever wonder why we feel like we can’t do what we want to do until our list is done?

And who decides what we have to put on our list anyway?

Well, for those of us who identify as women (which is a social construct by the way), we have things that society decided we have to do.  Society also decides how women should behave, what is normal for us, what roles we take on, and what we HAVE to do for everyone but ourselves.   

Because of what society has decided that we must do, we can feel like our jobs are never ending.  Whether it be working, going to school, taking care of our families, cooking dinner, or cleaning the house.  

We have to realize that competing values are happening within everyone.  And what you choose to spend your time on is ok, as long as you say it’s ok. 

So what is burnout then?

If you ever find yourself just completely overwhelmed and exhausted then you might be in the neighborhood of burnout.  

Because what it’s like to be a woman and what is expected of you can be two completely different things.  

When we try to close the gap between society’s expectations and who we really are, we can become burned out.  

When we neglect our personal wants and needs habitually it leads to burnout. 

It’s hard being a woman in our society. But, there are some things that can help us to keep burn out at bay. 

How to recognize that we are in fact, burned out? 

Physical exhaustion- you may notice that your energy level is extremely low and you feel like your body can’t do even one more thing. 

Mental exhaustion - you may feel like you’re lacking mental clarity, can’t think straight, and have trouble concentrating.  

Fatigue-  your body is done, just done.  This can last for short or long periods of time. 

Regular headaches- you may notice that you are experiencing more headaches than usual. 

Isolation- you may feel like you want to self isolate, don’t want to leave the house, and find yourself not doing the things that you normally enjoy. 

Irritability- you may notice that you are quicker to get angry, become frustrated, or more irritable in situations that normally would not bother you.  

What can we do about it?

We have to figure out and embrace our own authentic sense of who we are and what’s important to us.   

The more that we live authentically and listen to our values, the less we allow outside expectations to affect us, thus living the lives that we wish to live.  

If we are living authentically, burnout is way less likely to happen to us, because we are listening to what we need within ourselves.  

Our authentic selves are made, not found.  We have to work to find what really matters to us, what we do for ourselves to stay happy and balanced in our hectic lives. 

These are some things that help us to live authentically:

1. Pursuit and achievement of goals that matter to us. 

2. Loving, emotionally connected relationships with others. 

3. Serving our spiritual or religious beliefs. 

Our meaning in our lives  is the answer to “what am I doing when I feel most powerfully that I’m doing what I am supposed to be doing?”

The next way to combat our burnout is by completing the “stress cycle”.  The stress cycle is when we encounter an obstacle, and our body goes into that fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. 

In the old days completing that cycle was easy, but in today’s society, we must figure out how to complete this cycle of stress that our body gets stuck in after something happens in our lives.

So, how do I complete this stress cycle? Well, you have to signal to your body that you are safe, or it will stay in this state of stress and burnout. 

 Here are a few simple ways that you can complete your stress cycle, to bring your body back to homeostasis.  

1. Physical activity- go for a walk, a bike ride, dance in your living room, or anything that gets your body moving.

2. A 20-second hug with someone who feels safe to you. 

3. Long deep breathing or meditation, while being mindful of your thoughts and feelings. 

4. Real, genuine laughter, like the kind of laughter that takes over your whole body. 

5. Finally, a big old cry.  Letting yourself release all of these emotions will take you to the very end of your stress cycle.  

If you’d like to know more about burnout and how to move away from a burnout cycle, I’ll be conducting a 4 week group in the near future. 

Stay tuned for details. 

Relay Race Wisdom, a metaphor for intergenerational family patterns

One of my favorite activities growing up, in track and field as well as competitive swimming was the relay race.

I loved it because I had an individual stake in how our team performed AND it wasn’t just on me, there were three other team members that were also stakeholders in our overall performance; shared risk and shared victory or sometimes defeat.  I can still feel the jittery excitement of that baton hitting my hand as I was starting to run and the momentum of diving off the starting block when my teammate touched the pool wall.

Because of the running and swimming events I participated in, I was often third or fourth in the lineup, so by the time it was my turn, I had some information about how we were doing and what I needed to do in my leg of the race for our team. Sometimes that meant I needed to dig deep and run/swim at the top of my skill level, sometimes that meant I had the opportunity to run/swim in my comfort zone and sometimes it meant I needed to run/swim beyond what I was consciously aware that I could do.

Family patterns across generations can be explored from a similar lens.

We are each responsible for our unique adult life AND how we experience our unique life is also connected to the folks that came before us, how they were raised, the social conditioning that influenced them, the specific aspects of identity that marginalized them and privileged them and the trauma they experienced, witnessed or were raised with.

Those factors impact not only what we each see as possible for our lives; they also impact how we see ourselves, how we think about ourselves and how we process our challenges, our opportunities and our environment in general. We can’t truly experience ourselves and our life in isolation and those folks who raised us and the folks that raised and influenced them aren’t totally responsible for our lives either. 

It’s a team effort, another both/and.  We both have the responsibility of creating a life that makes sense to us AND that life is influenced by those that came before us and are around us.

Doing the work to understand that shared responsibility supports us in consciously creating our lives which involves making decisions that align with our values, our hope and our dreams.

I’m at the point in my family’s evolution where I can start to evaluate how I’ve shown up “in my leg of the race”. I can see where I’ve made up some ground from the team mates before me and I’m starting to see the challenges and opportunities my children have in their own “legs of the race” because of who they are and because of how they’ve been influenced by me and other family members.

Taking responsibility in this way, I believe, continues to hold us accountable for our decisions and invites us to stay in relationship with ourselves gently and compassionately; we aren’t in charge of the whole team, just our part. 

The Process of Change

The process of change.

February 4th marks my 33rd sobriety anniversary, so I’ve been thinking about the concept and process of change in our lives. When I stopped drinking, a relationship that simultaneously functioned as a lifeline and a nuclear bomb in my life;  I began the process of one of the most monumental changes in my life. That decision to change and the process of implementing that change has shaped the rest of my life, arguably more than any other single decision or change has, since then. Sobriety has transformed my relationship with myself and my relationships with others, as well as my world view, my aspirations, my values and my actions.

And WOW, so often, learning how to live sober felt overwhelming, uncertain, confusing, sad and yet other times the process felt exhilarating, relieving, hope filled and adventurous. Which I’ve come to understand through my work and my life is the true gift change can sometimes offer us. It can invite us into the unknown to fuel hope and possibility, to learn new ways of understanding ourselves and our lives and to unlearn what isn’t helpful to us or isn’t in alignment with our values and beliefs (both of which evolve across our lives). 

If change can do all this wonderful stuff for us, why do we resist it so much? And is there anything we can practice to reduce the resistance to change so we can learn to partner with it?

The reasons we resist change are many and varied, and definitely a topic to be covered in future blogs.  For this blog, to understand the process of change, it's useful enough to accept the notion that we tend to resist change.  And yes, there are plenty of tools we can use to reduce the resistance to change in our lives. Below are 5 tools for you to use and get you started:

---

For additional tools you can use to reduce the resistance to change check out our Mindfulness 101 Online Course.

---

1. Notice when the resistance shows up, with curiosity.

   Often, resistance shows up as limited or fear based thinking, in the present, future based or both.

2. Validate whatever you are feeling with statements like, “it makes sense I’m confused, change can be disruptive”. Or “It’s ok to not have all the answers, I can just do what's in front of me right now”.

3. Find support beams.

   This consists of people who CAN BE emotionally supportive and people who demonstrate they can give you support.  If you don’t have those relationships in your life right now, that’s ok too.  I’ve been there. That’s when books, podcasts, videos, creativity, nature and spiritual practices can function as support beams.

4. Use beginner's mind.

   Beginner’s mind is one of the most powerful mindfulness attitudes you can cultivate. By allowing yourself to be in a present moment without rushing to “know what’s going to happen”, you open up to what Dr. Dan Siegal calls the Plane of Possibility, a perspective that allows new insights, new outcomes and innovative problem solving.

5. Offer yourself compassion.

   Especially when you’re in the messy middle of the change process. Insta snaps are just that, they aren’t reflective of the awkward, clumsy experience of change.

---

Are you looking for additional tools to reduce the resistance to change in your life?

Mindfulness 101 Online Course equips you with additional mindfulness based tools to help you reduce your resistance to change.

You can start using these mindfulness based tools today to empower you as you embrace the change in your life. Get the Mindfulness 101 Online Course below:

Mindfulness 101 Online Course

$149.99

Do you want to be more present in your daily life, be able to shake off the distractions that weigh you down? Unlearn anxious patterns that restrict your connection to yourself and others?

Mindfulness 101 Online Course is designed to empower you with mindfulness tools and practices to increase your presence in your daily life, to support more focus, and to successfully shake off distractions and anxious thoughts patterns that weigh you down.

Filled with video lessons, audio meditations, an eBook FULL of reflection prompts and weekly mindfulness practices. PLUS bonus info… You are able to complete this online course from the comfort of your own home, your favorite coffee shop, or even as you are traveling!

In this course, you’ll receive:

• Over 90 minutes of video instruction from me

• Over 80 minutes of guided meditations to deepen the learning in each module

• 4 shorter guided mindful meditation practices

• Several mindfulness based practices

• Reflection questions and weekly ideas to make mindfulness a daily part of your mental health toolkit

With this course, you are given an eBook that gives you access to all of the modules, videos, and audio meditations, enabling you to set your own schedule with this course and complete it at your pace.

Start living your life more Mindfully today with the Mindfulness 101 Online Course.

Add to cart

Mindful Movement

This week I wanted to take some time to talk with you all about one of the most important things in my life: mindful movement.  In order to fully understand mindful movement it's important to first reflect on your own life and needs, and how you can first begin to incorporate movement from there. Many of us at some point in our lives have heard about the positive benefits of incorporating exercise or physical activity into your routine. These positive benefits include things such as improving your sleep, giving you more energy, maintaining a healthy weight, strengthening your muscles, and keeping your heart healthy.  But beyond these physical benefits, regular activity can also have an immediate positive impact on your brain health in a multitude of ways.

Reduces Anxiety

Each time you engage your body in physical movement you are releasing several beneficial neurotransmitters into your brain including dopamine (increases feelings of pleasure), norepinephrine (increases blood flow and provides energy), serotonin (stabilizes mood and promotes feelings of wellbeing and happiness), and acetylcholine (plays an essential role in alertness, attention, learning, and memory).  Together all of these chemicals have been proven to work together to decrease feelings of anxiety and depression.

Improves Focus and Concentration

Julia Basso and Wendy Suzuki conducted a recent study which showed that a single workout can have an immediate benefit of an improved ability to shift and focus attention as well as improving your reaction speed.  They recommended the best exercises to create this effect are cardiovascular exercises that elevate your heart rate such as taking a long walk, running, swimming, cycling, or jumping rope.

Promotes Brain Cell Growth

One of the most significant benefits of exercise is the promotion of neurogenesis, or the birth of new brain cells. More specifically physical activity has been shown to catalyze the creation of new brain cells in your hippocampus, the part of your brain which works towards memory formation and storage. This is essential to improving cognitive function.  Physical exercise has also been shown to improve the health and function of the synapses between neurons in your hippocampus, which allows your brain cells to communicate more effectively and efficiently.

Protects Your Brain Against Neurodegenerative Disease 

In addition to aiding in the growth of brain cells within your hippocampus, regular exercise can also promote the growth of your prefrontal cortex. Your prefrontal cortex is the part of your brain which is implicated in a variety of complex behaviors, including planning, and greatly contributes to personality development.  Both your prefrontal cortex and your hippocampus are the parts of your brain which are susceptible to neurodegenerative diseases such as dementia and Alzheimer’s.  So, similarly to muscles in your body the bigger it becomes, the stronger it gets.  Now by no means will exercise cure or prevent the onset of a neurodegenerative disease, but consistent physical activity has been shown to reduce or delay its onset. Think of it like an insurance policy for your brain!

All of these things are great reasons to start working towards incorporating physical activity into your daily life.  However, exercise also creates a unique opportunity to practice mindfulness.  For me exercise is a great outlet to release pent up stress or frustrations, but even more important for me is it creates an opportunity to feel connected with my own body.  Each day that I go to the gym I focus on a specific group of muscles and while working out I pay particular attention to how those muscles are feeling.  I may notice small pains in certain areas which gives me a sign that that spot may need more of a rest or focused stretching. Or maybe I notice certain muscles are not struggling with certain exercises as they did a couple of weeks prior, which provides me with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.  Ultimately, being mindful of the way my body is moving and feeling during exercise helps provide me with a sense of overall holistic peace.  

If going to the gym and lifting weights isn’t your thing, Tai Chi, Yoga, and Qiong are great alternatives to help introduce mindful movement into your life. Tai Chi is a healing and meditative practice that combines martial art movement with Qi (energy circulation), breathing, and stretching techniques. This practice consists of a series of graceful movements with deep and slow diaphragmatic breathings performed while standing. Practicing Tai Chi has been shown to have both physical and psychosocial benefits for many different populations. Yoga, a mind-body exercise, involves a combination of muscular activity and an internally directed mindful focus on awareness of the self, the breath, and energy. This practice integrates an individual's physical, mental, and spiritual components to improve physical and mental health, particularly stress related illnesses. Yoga provides a unique opportunity for people to practice grounded mindfulness by fostering a deep connection with your breathing while also improving your vagal tone, an unconscious activity in your brain which regulates your calming and connecting response. Qigong exercise, similar to Tai Chi, consists of a series of breath practices with body movement and meditation to attain deep focus and relaxed state. Simply speaking, Qigong exercise is practiced/used to cultivate the balance and harmony of vital energy in the human body.

Another form of mindfulness that you can do during physical activity can be thought examination.  When doing a long-form or repetitive exercise like walking, running, swimming, or riding a stationary bike, something where you can allow your physical awareness to take a bit of a back seat, pay close attention to the thoughts or feelings that arise during this. A mentor of mine in grad school spoke on how she would start each of her days with mindful movement journaling.  At the start of each day, she would go for a brisk walk and allow her mind to wander towards whatever it was naturally drawn to.  Then once she returned home, she would journal about those thoughts and emotions, which helped her start each day with a feeling of mental clarity.

Exercise can be a daunting thing to incorporate in your life’s schedule, especially if it is something that is new to you, so remember not to be too hard on yourself or create too much pressure. Additionally, it is important to mention that exercise can be potentially triggering for some folks, so make sure to check in any professional you may be seeing before making any lifestyle changes. You don’t have to adopt a professional athlete’s regimen to achieve the benefits from this blog.  Any consistent movement that is an outlet for your energy and makes you feel good at the end of the day will only provide positive benefits for you!

Appreciation & Gratitude

As the practice’s theme this month is appreciation, I want to take this opportunity to dive deeper into the concept of appreciation, as well as how it intersects with gratitude. Appreciation involves the awareness, recognition, enjoyment, and full sensory understanding of the positive value of something or someone. This definition shows how important mindfulness is when practicing appreciation, because in order to have a full sensory understanding of why you appreciate the value of something, you need to be mindfully present. Appreciation is a skill set that is developed with practice.

Although gratitude and appreciation are often used synonymously, there are differences between the two terms. One of the most defining characteristics of appreciation is that it is a mindful action, felt in your body with sensory awareness. Appreciation is connected to sounds, smells, things we see that we find pleasurable, and the practice of appreciation connects us with this sensory data in our body. Gratitude is a perceptual habit built on the felt sense of appreciation, when practicing gratitude, you are connecting with the felt sense awareness of appreciation in your body and utilizing that to “think” about how to perceive your experience with a grateful lens.

When beginning to develop a conscious relationship with appreciation a great place to start is self-appreciation. If you find that it can be difficult to cultivate appreciation for others, part of that may be due to the need for cultivating self-appreciation. So often appreciation and gratitude are talked about in the context of feeling positive in regard to someone else, or something someone does for you, but those same principles can be applied to yourself. An exercise that can help begin the path of self-appreciation is when you find yourself with a moment to think at the end of the day, ask yourself, “What do I feel proud of today?” and “How do I experience the felt sense of that pride in my body? Is it warm? Tingly? Where is the warmth?”.  Just like self-appreciation, appreciation of others is practiced similarly. Allow yourself some time to think of an event that day involving someone else like, a family member helping with the cooking that day, a friend buying you coffee, or even the bus arriving on time. These are all great calls to cultivate a sense of appreciation. Focus on the sensations of the appreciation, using sight, sound, smell, taste and touch as your guide. Appreciation of others can also be practiced by making it a priority to acknowledge when you feel appreciative of someone in the moment. It is important to remember that this action is a parallel to the personal appreciation exercises in that, highlighting specifics of why you are feeling that appreciation will help foster a deeper and more meaningful relationship with that person.

By regularly practicing appreciation you are allowing yourself to become more connected with what fuels gratitude. Because, once you have a felt sense of appreciation in your body, you can use that to consciously develop the mental habit of using a gratitude framework to pair appreciation with your perception of your experiences, both positive and challenging. Improved understanding of mindful appreciation also benefits your ability to stay connected in the present moment, even in discomfort. When you practice maintaining awareness of what you appreciate in your life you are also building a framework for your brain to stay in the moment and increasing your distress tolerance skills, which can also foster gratitude. Practicing appreciation and developing your understanding of gratitude not only yields benefits of positive feelings and increased optimism within yourself and others, but also has several health enhancing impacts on your mental health as well. Additional benefits related to practicing appreciation include reduced stress levels, increased life satisfaction, lowers the chance of experiencing burnout, improved sleep, lowers levels of cellular inflammation, improves resiliency, increased prosocial behaviors, strengthens relationships, and encourages the development of patience, humility, and wisdom. Ultimately, continuing to develop a conscious connection with appreciation will build a bridge to the practice of gratitude; which can measurably improve your relationship with yourself, your life and with other people.

Morning & Night Routines; A Support Beam for Mental Health & Wellness

Although we are all still living within a worldwide pandemic filled with uncertainty, many of us are starting to take those first steps towards regaining a new sense of “normalcy” in our lives again.  Developing a predictable rhythm while also living within fluid and ambiguous circumstances can help you find solace, comfort, and structure.  A great starting point for you in establishing this predictable rhythm is developing a morning routine.

Creating a consistent morning routine may sound daunting, but it does not need to be over complicated and can be as simple as waking up with your alarm, making some breakfast and coffee, brushing your teeth, and maybe going on a morning walk.  If you feel able to include more activities in your morning routine, other pieces to consider can include going to the gym, meditating, making your bed, prayer, journaling, or cleaning around the house.  Any task or action that will make you feel in the driver’s seat of the day is a great addition to a morning routine. 

One of the best parts about developing a morning routine for yourself is that there are no guidelines to follow or expectations to meet, you can tailor it to fit whatever your needs and lifestyle preferences are. The only essential factors to consider are having a routine which will benefit you for the rest of the day and maintaining consistency in that chosen routine.

If this is an unfamiliar process to you, it is important to be kind to yourself while developing and fine tuning this rhythm. Everyone stumbles when trying to create change in their life, what’s important to remember is that you are doing what you can to create positive change and structure in your life. An easy trick that I like to use is writing down what your morning routine will be so after each action you take you can cross that piece off the list. Even if it is for something as simple as waking up on time, crossing it off a to do list will help reinforce that you're taking positive steps in the right direction. 

Once you are able to develop and enact a plan that works for you, you will begin to experience the many benefits that come alongside a morning routine, such as:

• Improved physical and mental wellbeing

• Enhanced levels of productivity

• A more positive mood throughout the day

• Elevated sense of self-belief

• Reduced mental fatigue and stress

It’s important to consider that the morning isn’t the only time of day where you can establish structure and predictability; an evening schedule is equally beneficial for your wellbeing.  If you think of your morning routine as a set of actions to set you up for success throughout the day, an evening routine is a set of actions to help you unwind from the stress or effort the day may have exacted from you; the front and back covers of the book of self-care.

Similarly, to the morning routine, your evening routine can be whatever you make of it.  Anything that will help you unwind or feel at ease are great things to include in your nighttime rituals.  For me personally, I start my evening routine after I finish dinner at around 8pm or so.  After this I start with a pleasure activity such as watching some television, practicing music, playing some video games, or cooking some tasty food if I need to prep some meals for later in the week. Once I’ve set aside some time for a little bit of fun, I may do some light cleaning around the house to make sure that my environment has the right structure to begin the next day while also reflecting on my day as a whole to create a sense of pride in my personal accomplishments. Then to close out the day I’ll go through my skin care routine, brush my teeth, and listen to a podcast or some relaxing music before hitting the lights and going to bed.

Although that routine is more specific to my life and needs, you can take what pieces of that structure resonate with you and apply them to your own life as a starting point.  As I said before there aren’t any exact rules you have to follow when making your routine, it's just a collection of actions to help you unwind and ease into the end of the day.

While it may be difficult to explore, one potential part of an evening routine that is worth consideration is making sure you avoid screen time on your phone, laptop, etc. One immediate benefit of this is that it will help your eyes and brain unwind and promote a healthier night’s sleep.  Another important aspect of this is that for many of us (myself included) our electronics are tethers to our work and the outside world around us.  Allowing yourself time to feel removed from those pressures and expectations can help you recharge and mindfully connect to your work, family or friends the next day.

Beyond helping you relax at the end of the day; an evening routine can help you with:

• Creating an improved sense of achievement throughout the day

• Setting a goal to look forward to after a hard day’s work

• Lowered stress

• Improved sleep

• Feeling more well-rested

Remember, if you feel that your new routine is starting to become overwhelming or too much to consistently do, you have the power to dial it back and change it up to reflect your needs.  The purpose is to consciously invest in yourself first thing and last thing every day.  Over time this investment will increase your sense of trust, your confidence and your ability to access joy, even in uncertainty. 

- Eli Mick, MSW

Building Security With Both / And

Parts of Covid, at least the lockdown isolating phases of Covid, are beginning to shift AND we are also still in the midst of the ongoing pandemic; navigating reentry, recovery, and the new variant. We have resolved some of the initial uncertainty associated with this devastating illness AND we are still uncertain about how we are going to gather again safely. In my personal life, I’m dealing with the complexity of Covid in the varying roles I have in my life with confidence AND trepidation, with curiosity AND with fear, with hope AND with grief. The ways my family and practice colleagues are approaching similar issues related to Covid BOTH resembles what I am choosing AND differs from my decisions. 

All of it is real.

It’s complicated and so often in an effort to gain more control and more certainty we rush to find ways to feel more in control and more certain.  That’s where Both/And comes in handy and that is why I chose to write this blog now.  Because we are all in varying ways navigating how our lives are still somewhat isolated AND how to re engage with work, school and others, safely.

If you are working with me or have worked with me in the past then you’ve heard me say BOTH/AND, probably to the threshold of irritation.  I use this concept EVERY SINGLE DAY. 

It’s that important. 

…In fact, if I were on a desert island and could only take one perceptual tool with me, it would be this one. 

I’ll explain why. ..

Either/or thinking also known as dichotomous thinking creates a false dichotomy, often in the service of finding certainty.  It artificially narrows our experiences and our feelings into this or that categories in an effort to increase a sense of security, by thinking we understand and can decide with certainty about complex aspects of our humanity, aspects that often defy certainty. 

The problem with dichotomous thinking though is that it doesn't accurately reflect feelings and experiences.  But both/and does.

Both/and thinking, also known as non-dualistic thinking tolerates uncertainty by allowing you to make room for all of “it”, whatever “it” is.  Both/And opens us up to the possibility that you both love your partner and feel stifled in the relationship, which can be scary to acknowledge AND also liberating.  You can enjoy the security of your job AND crave a more creative pursuit. You can appreciate the companionship of treasured friends AND be annoyed by their personality quirks. You can feel grief and joy in the same space or experience disappointment and gratitude; which is a more accurate lens to explore ourselves and our relationships with.

So how can you apply this thinking tool to your life as it relates to Covid?

1. Notice where you feel uncertainty in your life right now. Maybe it's related to varying vaccine statuses in your workplace and the policies around that.  Maybe it's connected to school settings.  Maybe it’s connected to immediate and extended family situations. Maybe even all of the above!

2. Acknowledge ALL of your feelings related to the uncertainty. Especially if they seem in conflict with each other. Acknowledge, don’t judge or criticize.

3. Consciously and intentionally hold space for all of the feelings WITHOUT judgement. Here are a few examples of what that might look like. I’m happy I’m vaccinated because I feel more safe AND I am worried about my kids not being vaccinated.  I’m scared to return to the workplace because I don’t feel secure about the policies in place AND I’m looking forward to seeing more people outside of my home. I am angry that I’m still isolated from parts of my previous life that I enjoyed AND I’m really disappointed in how my family is responding to the situation. 

For me, currently, a both/and statement is; I’m grateful that my family is vaccinated AND I’m concerned about how the Delta variant is impacting everyone regardless of vaccination status. Another is, I’m excited to gather with folks again AND concerned about how to do that safely. Another related to work is, I’m grateful we have a practice management system that can allow us to work remotely if need be AND I’m concerned about how the ever changing landscape is affecting our clients.

Opening up to the complexity of uncertain situations using this approach, counter intuitively CAN increase our security, maybe not in the moment, but certainly longer term because it’s honest and it's real. So this approach helps us build distress tolerance, helps us build self trust and helps us build self confidence; all of which foster resiliency.  And resiliency is what fuels hope. And hope fuels belonging. Which is what we all are actually looking for when we are struggling to find certainty.  I think it’s actually more about a safe, secure place to belong in the uncertainty.

Mindset Obstacles to Rest & Play

When I was in graduate school pursuing my masters degree in clinical social work, I was also working, doing a field placement for my degree and raising two small kids on my own.  Needless to say, my plate was OVER FULL.  Many times I would find myself overwhelmed with papers due and exhausted. 

At those intersections, I'd often share with my then partner about how tired I was and how I “needed to just pull another all nighter and get through it,” that I “couldn’t afford the time to sleep.”  He’d very kindly and gently remind me in those moments that when I supported myself in getting a full, restful night’s sleep I’d often wake up with an intuitive approach to a paper or project and more energy and focus to get it done.

Even though there was a part of me that knew this was true, that understood why it was true, I still often resisted his suggestion. My resistant thoughts usually took the form of “I’m behind where I should be in my life, so I can’t” or “As long as I have papers and projects due, I shouldn’t rest or play.” I could only consider those as options when all “my stuff” was done. 

Of course, none of that is rational or reasonable, but it sure did feel challenging to choose to care for myself, to choose a good night’s sleep, to choose an afternoon of fun when my kids were gone and I was off work, because well, that was prime no distraction time.  Inevitably, I regretted the times I pushed myself too hard and appreciated when I allowed moments and pockets of rest and enjoyment because they replenished my spirit and restored my focus. 

As I dug deeper into that mindset I realized it was based in worth, and specifically a hierarchy of worth.  If I could demonstrate that I was worthy, ie, I had all my ducks in a straight row, then I deserved rest and fun, if I didn’t have those ducks lined up, no rest or fun for me.  It was a sophisticated system of denying my humanity and fusing my worth with productivity, which is a recipe for loneliness and burnout.  At the core, it was a conditional relationship with worthiness, or what Brene Brown means when she says, “We are hustling for our worthiness.”

Rest and play are essential aspects of our lives. When we rest, our minds and bodies detox and refuel, our body literally takes out the cellular “trash” and works to optimize our system for the next day.  Similarly, our brains consolidate memories and learning, offload stress and repair important structures and functions.

When we allow ourselves to have fun, we diminish our allostatic load, a fancy way of saying we reduce our stress quite a bit.  When we are laughing and doing activities we enjoy, alone and with others, we connect to our creativity, we broaden our lens of possibility and we reinforce hope.

So how can you begin to open up to a deeper relationship with rest and play? 

Start by noticing and identifying the resistant thoughts about rest and enjoyment in your life. As you begin to notice them, a theme will likely emerge.  Common themes are worthiness and belonging.  We aren’t worthy so we don’t deserve a break or we are inherently damaged so we don’t belong to the group who can rest and enjoy life.  Sometimes both themes appear, or other themes similar in nature arise. 

Once you have insight into the theme of resistance you can mindfully reframe your thoughts and develop baby step action plans.  For example, if the theme is centered in your unworthiness a resistant thought may be something like; I still have important work on my to-do list so I can’t take a break. In that moment, breathe and kindly shift that thought to something like; resting is important and allows me to replenish my energy, there will always be important things on my to-do list. This type of reframe works because it doesn’t ignore that you have competing priorities to manage. It acknowledges the importance of prioritizing rest to SUPPORT you in navigating your other priorities.

Additionally, taking a baby step approach toward rest and play helps you to manage the inherent discomfort involved in changing patterns. We feel comfort in the familiar so small incremental changes can often feel more manageable.

Allowing yourself 30 minutes to chat with a treasured friend, choosing a 15 minute break for some herbal tea, watching the movie you’ve been wanting to see for “awhile now”, are steps that allow you to practice choosing rest and play without experiencing overwhelming stress and anxiety. Over time you can build your rest and play muscles up to increase the time and opportunities to benefit from these restorative practices until they become a part of each day and a consistent practice that affirms you are enough exactly as you are, you are worthy of fun and rest and you belong.

Emotional Intelligence, Change, & Staying The Same Walked Into A Bar...

What a difference a year (or TEN) makes…

 AND, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

This month marks just over one year's time frame of the COVID global pandemic’s devastating impact on our country and local community.  It also marks the 10 year anniversary of Alison Sullivan and Associates. This past year has been, by far the most challenging in our 10 year history, from EVERY perspective, as a small business owner, as a mental health clinician, and as a person. I’ve learned more about how to pivot, to innovate, to let go, to surrender, to grieve, to rest, to dig deep, to protect and to heal in this past year than probably the last 10 combined. As I’m sure many of you have.

So, yes indeed, what a difference a year makes.  

I feel like, as a business, in relationship to COVID, we are restabilizing, restoring, recreating and expanding. I know that I am really aware of applying all that I’ve transformed in the past year to bring more knowledge, understanding, discernment and love to what I do moving forward in this new world we live in.

At the same time, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Specifically, what I mean, is that the more seemingly unique challenges I face, as a person or business owner,  the more I understand that emotional intelligence is a HUGE factor in whether I develop more resiliency in the face of the challenges.

Research continues to show that Emotional intelligence (EQ) helps you to acknowledge and process emotions without allowing them to hijack your life and your other relationships.  EQ helps you to navigate conflict in ways that actually improve relationships and enables you to understand others’ feelings while you set boundaries with empathy to create a space for healing safe connection.  It releases you from the pain of trauma bonds, codependency and the drama cycle, all of which impair your ability to truly connect with yourself and others. 

Sounds great right? 

There are 5 primary domains of EQ; self awareness, self regulation, self motivation, empathy and managing conflict. 

Self awareness comprises three aspects. Emotional awareness is knowing what you are feeling and being able to label it accurately.  Self assessment is being able to understand your strengths, weaknesses and how you are showing up in interactions. Confidence is the attitude of believing in your ability to learn, grow, understand and master. 

Self regulation, as its name implies is about the ability to notice what you are feeling AND managing the flow of that energy reducing the likelihood of impulsivity, blaming and deflecting.  This skill is particularly powerful in helping us develop shame resilience. 

Self motivation is harnessing the force that influences you to take action. For many people external factors such as approval from others, acceptance, acknowledgement, form the bulk of motivation.  Self motivation includes intrinsic motivation, the ability to understand and know who you are so that your choices align with your beliefs, values and goals. Of course we need belonging with others, but often we sacrifice internal belonging for external acceptance and that pattern can cause a lot of difficulties.

Empathy, the fourth EQ domain, is an actual magic wand in life.  When we view ourselves through a compassionate, non judgemental lens and offer that same lens to others it fosters a deep sense of being seen, heard and valued both within yourself and in your relationships with others. 

Lastly, managing conflict, is about being able to navigate your interpersonal interactions with others in an attuned manner (based on the other 4 skills) to honor diversity, utilize flexibility and adaptability to evolve and solve the issues that arise when we try to live alongside other people.

All this month we are highlighting each of these domains throughout our social media and on our podcast.  If EQ is something you are looking to develop in your life then we’ve got you.  Give us a follow on our social media and we look forward to meeting you along the way of our shared journey to more connection and deeper belonging to ourselves and others.