Year End Reflections - Emotional Agility Is The Move

So often we decide, “If I get it right, if I make the right choices, then I can lock in and ride out a good life”. If you sit back to reflect on that notion, there are so many issues with it…

First off, what does get it right mean?

Who determines what right choices are, and how are those right choices measured?

Is it determined by how comfortable we are?

Then there’s the issue with locking in and riding out;  those states of being that don't really even exist.  Life changes, we change, unexpected events happen, so there's no viable pathway to lock anything in.

And then finally, a good life, what the heck is that?

What your parents told you was a good life?

What the culture, your friends, the media told you was a good life?

And how is that even determined?  

It’s understandable that we do this, our brains want certainty, thinking that translates to security.  Who doesn’t want security?  Security in your life is absolutely possible, but not by creating some external picture that you then try to control.  Security develops on the inside, it’s a deep rootedness in knowing that however life twists and turns, whatever unexpected experiences or hoped for outcomes occur or don’t come to pass, you can trust in your ability to take care of yourself, your heart and to live into your values. That type of grounded relationship to your life and yourself is the cornerstone of security.

How do you begin to build that internal sense of security?

Two words, emotional agility.

This concept was developed by Dr. Susan David, a leading expert on emotional intelligence.  She defines emotional agility as “The ability to navigate one’s emotions with flexibility, without ignoring them or letting them control you”. It is a practice of using your emotions as information to help guide you.  When you develop skill in emotional agility you become able to adapt, to be curious, to be open to change; all skills that over time support you in living a life RICH and MEANINGFUL to YOU.  You become less reactive, less rigid, less braced for the inevitable shoe to drop.

At year's end, I usually reflect on what I noticed, what I learned, what I unlearned, and how that matters to me and to the people around me both at work and at home. This year,  I’ve witnessed myself make several decisions based on emotional agility both in my business and personal life.  I moved offices and entered into a new type of business collaboration, I hired more clinicians, I began remodeling my outbuilding to move the practice to, I’ve expanded the services I offer to include retreats and held several of these groups at my home.

Each of these choices were connected to emotional agility.  Most of them were never in “the plan”. I changed course because circumstances changed, and although several of these decisions were a bit scary, I am finding security inside myself, rather than trying to control the outcomes of these decisions. I’ve witnessed countless clients connect with deep meaning, deep joy and deep forgiveness through the practice of emotional agility. I’ve felt the freedom of the practice and I’ve watched others connect to freedom by letting go of what they were supposed to do and instead learned how to choose themselves through their values in whatever situation they found themselves in. 

Emotional agility releases you from the nagging fear and anxiety centered in things needing to be a certain way, instead inviting you to explore what is happening, using curiosity to guide you through the situation. I don’t think we ever arrive at PERFECT emotional agility, nor do I think that’s the point. Developing this practice will, however, bring much more internal peace and security without resorting to avoidance, numbing, blame or control to gain what I like to call faux peace.  It will bring excitement into your experience and it will reconnect you with mystery and possibility, all of which enriches your experience of this one beautiful life you are living and we are living alongside each other.

If you want to learn more about emotional agility, check out Dr. David’s book, titled unsurprisingly… Emotional Agility.

And if you are looking for a practical way to build a relationship with yourself and your life consider our month long Introduction to Journaling, an online experience that will support you in exploring several different approaches to journaling and guide you through exploring those approaches.  We’ll also meet on zoom each week to process your experiences with the material. We start January 1, I sure hope to see you there.

Thank you for spending your valuable time reading these blogs I write and engaging with our social media, workshops and courses. I love my work and I hope it brings a little more clarity, support and hope to anyone who connects with it.  I wish each of you a year that surprises you, delights you and opens you to the awareness that you are held in love exactly as you are.