Therapy Is Not Punitive
Therapy Is Not a Punishment: Why Parents Should Avoid Using Therapy as a Consequence
As therapists, we often hear children say things like, "My mom told me to tell you what I did," or "I'm here because I got in trouble." While these statements may seem harmless, they can reveal a misunderstanding about the purpose of therapy that can unintentionally undermine the therapeutic process.
Parents naturally want to address challenging behaviors, improve communication, and help their children make better choices. Therapy can absolutely support those goals. However, when therapy is framed as a punishment or a place where adults report a child's misbehavior, it can create barriers that make meaningful growth much more difficult.
Therapy Is a Relationship, Not a Consequence
When a child is sent to therapy because they broke a rule, acted out, or made a poor decision, they may begin to view the therapist as an extension of discipline rather than a source of support.
Children need to experience therapy as a safe place where they can explore their thoughts, emotions, fears, and mistakes without feeling judged. If therapy becomes associated with punishment, the child may enter sessions feeling defensive, guarded, or resistant.
Imagine if every time you made a mistake at work, someone required you to attend therapy as a consequence. Most adults would approach those sessions with skepticism rather than openness. Children are no different.
Therapy Is Not a Courtroom
Many parents understandably want therapists to know what happened at home or school. Sharing relevant information is important and often necessary. However, there is a difference between providing context and using therapy as a venue to prosecute a case.
Children quickly recognize when a session becomes an opportunity for adults to list their failures, mistakes, or poor choices. When this happens, therapy can feel less like a supportive environment and more like a courtroom where evidence is being presented against them.
Children Need a Place Where They Are More Than Their Behavior
Behavior is information. It tells us that something is happening beneath the surface.
An angry child may be scared.
A defiant child may feel powerless.
A disrespectful child may be carrying hurt, embarrassment, or frustration.
When therapy focuses exclusively on correcting behavior, we miss the opportunity to understand what is driving it.
The goal is not to excuse inappropriate actions. Accountability and responsibility remain important. Rather, therapy seeks to understand the underlying emotions, experiences, and patterns that contribute to those actions.
Children are more likely to change when they feel understood than when they feel condemned.
Trust Is the Foundation of Effective Therapy
Research consistently shows that the quality of the therapeutic relationship is one of the strongest predictors of positive outcomes.
For therapy to work, children must believe that the therapist is someone who is genuinely interested in understanding them. If they perceive the therapist as another adult whose job is to monitor, report, or punish them, trust becomes much harder to establish.
This does not mean therapists keep secrets from parents or ignore safety concerns. It means the therapist's primary role is to help the child understand themselves, develop coping skills, and strengthen their ability to navigate life's challenges.
What Parents Can Say Instead
Rather than saying:
"You're going to therapy because of your behavior."
"Wait until you tell your therapist what you did."
"I'm going to tell your therapist everything."
Consider saying:
"Therapy is a place where you can talk about what's going on."
"Your therapist is there to help you understand your feelings and learn new skills."
"Everyone needs support sometimes."
"We're doing this because we care about you, not because you're in trouble."
These messages help position therapy as a resource rather than a punishment.
The Bigger Picture
Every child will make mistakes. That is part of growing up. Therapy works best when it becomes a place where children can safely explore those mistakes, learn from them, and develop healthier ways of coping and communicating.
When therapy is used as a punishment, children may learn to fear it.
When therapy is used as a partnership, children learn that asking for help is a strength.
As parents, one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the understanding that support is not something you earn by being perfect. Support is something available to you precisely because you are human.
The Case for Stillness
Go, go, go. Do, do, do. Get, get, get.
That’s the energy most of us are conditioned in from birth.
Worth becomes productivity, and productivity becomes the measure of your value. If you do more, you are more. And if you aren’t striving… well, what are you even doing? Rest is something you earn, and only after you’ve done “all the work,” whatever that means.
This mindset was especially prevalent in my generation (Gen X) and remains a cornerstone of Western culture. At the same time, I’m beginning to notice small signs of a cultural shift, an increasing awareness of the cost of chronic hustle. The quiet but important questions: For what? For who? Who is actually benefiting from all this grinding and striving?
One of the many problems with this framework is that it’s deeply reductive, profoundly disembodied, and fundamentally misaligned with our wholeness. Over time, it leads to burnout, depression, and habits that numb us to the very disconnection we’re trying to outrun.
And perhaps most strikingly, this approach rarely delivers on what it promises.
Our mind–body systems are designed to move in rhythms and cycles. Sometimes that rhythm calls for effort, productivity, and forward motion. And sometimes it calls for slowing down, resting, reflecting—simply being. When we habitually override rest and slowness, we dysregulate our entire system. We lose access to meaning-making, emotional depth, and our capacity for connection, joy, wonder, and love.
This is where the magic of stillness lives.
Stillness asks nothing of you. There’s no striving, no destination, no achievement. There is only being here, now, noticing what is. That can feel deeply uncomfortable, threatening; especially if staying busy has been how you’ve survived.
The initial discomfort of stillness understandably sends many people rushing back into action.
But when stillness is practiced consistently, something shifts. Over time, your system recognizes it as a natural state. Relief emerges. You begin to feel into the fuller dimensions of who you are; separate from what you produce or accomplish. This is how we start to reclaim wholeness.
Winter, as a natural cycle, is an incredible teacher in developing a relationship with stillness. Winter embodies being rather than performing. It models quiet deepening, and restoration—not expansion, acceleration, or bloom. And perhaps most powerfully, winter reminds us how essential this rhythm is for growth itself.
Rest and reflection, when held in harmony with action and productivity, is the cycle that fuels inspiration, motivation, and meaningful engagement with the world.
So how do you begin a relationship with stillness?
Start by making peace with the fact that it will likely feel uncomfortable and maybe even pointless, at first. If you can stay with that discomfort and allow it to move through you (and it will), you’ll begin to sense the steady calm beneath all the noise.
Practically speaking, carve out 10–15 minutes a day to do nothing. (You already spend more time than that scrolling, so this isn’t about time.)
You might:
Sit and look out a window, just being.
Lie on the floor and follow the rhythm of your breath.
Stand outside and simply notice what it feels like to be in your body and with your surroundings.
Daily connection with stillness helps you recognize the cues your body is always offering. You begin to notice when you need rest, when you need a pause, and—just as importantly—when you feel genuinely ready to take action.
And yes, I hear you. The demands of life are real. Being overwhelmed and under-resourced is real.
And also, there are ways to honor your inner rhythm within the chaos of your current situation, even if it’s only 5 minutes.
It may not be perfect. It may not be ideal.
But it can be enough to reconnect you with more of who you truly are.
Year End Reflections - Emotional Agility Is The Move
So often we decide, “If I get it right, if I make the right choices, then I can lock in and ride out a good life”. If you sit back to reflect on that notion, there are so many issues with it…
First off, what does get it right mean?
Who determines what right choices are, and how are those right choices measured?
Is it determined by how comfortable we are?
Then there’s the issue with locking in and riding out; those states of being that don't really even exist. Life changes, we change, unexpected events happen, so there's no viable pathway to lock anything in.
And then finally, a good life, what the heck is that?
What your parents told you was a good life?
What the culture, your friends, the media told you was a good life?
And how is that even determined?
It’s understandable that we do this, our brains want certainty, thinking that translates to security. Who doesn’t want security? Security in your life is absolutely possible, but not by creating some external picture that you then try to control. Security develops on the inside, it’s a deep rootedness in knowing that however life twists and turns, whatever unexpected experiences or hoped for outcomes occur or don’t come to pass, you can trust in your ability to take care of yourself, your heart and to live into your values. That type of grounded relationship to your life and yourself is the cornerstone of security.
How do you begin to build that internal sense of security?
Two words, emotional agility.
This concept was developed by Dr. Susan David, a leading expert on emotional intelligence. She defines emotional agility as “The ability to navigate one’s emotions with flexibility, without ignoring them or letting them control you”. It is a practice of using your emotions as information to help guide you. When you develop skill in emotional agility you become able to adapt, to be curious, to be open to change; all skills that over time support you in living a life RICH and MEANINGFUL to YOU. You become less reactive, less rigid, less braced for the inevitable shoe to drop.
At year's end, I usually reflect on what I noticed, what I learned, what I unlearned, and how that matters to me and to the people around me both at work and at home. This year, I’ve witnessed myself make several decisions based on emotional agility both in my business and personal life. I moved offices and entered into a new type of business collaboration, I hired more clinicians, I began remodeling my outbuilding to move the practice to, I’ve expanded the services I offer to include retreats and held several of these groups at my home.
Each of these choices were connected to emotional agility. Most of them were never in “the plan”. I changed course because circumstances changed, and although several of these decisions were a bit scary, I am finding security inside myself, rather than trying to control the outcomes of these decisions. I’ve witnessed countless clients connect with deep meaning, deep joy and deep forgiveness through the practice of emotional agility. I’ve felt the freedom of the practice and I’ve watched others connect to freedom by letting go of what they were supposed to do and instead learned how to choose themselves through their values in whatever situation they found themselves in.
Emotional agility releases you from the nagging fear and anxiety centered in things needing to be a certain way, instead inviting you to explore what is happening, using curiosity to guide you through the situation. I don’t think we ever arrive at PERFECT emotional agility, nor do I think that’s the point. Developing this practice will, however, bring much more internal peace and security without resorting to avoidance, numbing, blame or control to gain what I like to call faux peace. It will bring excitement into your experience and it will reconnect you with mystery and possibility, all of which enriches your experience of this one beautiful life you are living and we are living alongside each other.
If you want to learn more about emotional agility, check out Dr. David’s book, titled unsurprisingly… Emotional Agility.
And if you are looking for a practical way to build a relationship with yourself and your life consider our month long Introduction to Journaling, an online experience that will support you in exploring several different approaches to journaling and guide you through exploring those approaches. We’ll also meet on zoom each week to process your experiences with the material. We start January 1, I sure hope to see you there.
Thank you for spending your valuable time reading these blogs I write and engaging with our social media, workshops and courses. I love my work and I hope it brings a little more clarity, support and hope to anyone who connects with it. I wish each of you a year that surprises you, delights you and opens you to the awareness that you are held in love exactly as you are.
Scrolling, The Near Enemy of Connection
In Buddhism there is the concept of near and far enemies related to what are considered the immeasurable qualities of a wise, open heart. These four immeasurable qualities are:
loving kindness
compassion
appreciative joy
and equanimity
As you might assume far enemies are the opposites of these qualities, cruelty is the far enemy of compassion and ill will is the far enemy of loving kindness. Near enemies however, are more nuanced, more challenging to recognize. They share some similarities with the quality but also key differences. So you can easily think you are possessing the quality, when in fact you are actually working against yourself in developing that specific quality.
For example, the near enemy of compassion is pity. Pity and compassion definitely include an acknowledgement of suffering and is often expressed in verbally similar ways with statements like "I'm really sorry that is happening to you.” The key difference is that in compassion there is no separateness, there is a recognition that we all suffer and we can find ourselves within the other’s suffering.
Pity is underpinned with separateness, and a sort of hierarchy that contains the idea that it may be happening to them but it couldn’t happen to me because _________.
Oftentimes people can confuse pity as compassion, when it is in fact an obstacle to true compassion which acknowledges suffering with empathy, a connection to the suffering and a desire to relieve it from a place of shared humanity. Pity, inferring separateness actually prevents the expression of compassion.
Although a profoundly useful lens in and of itself to apply to any self reflection practice, I started thinking about it in terms of our relationship with devices, the internet and social media…
Clearly, we can make a case that our relationship with it works against equanimity, a calmness of being, because it involves the near enemy of craving and aversion. We are often either craving it as a distraction or trying to avoid it because it is a distraction. I started thinking about it in terms of acting as a near enemy to well rounded living, to being, to connection.
How does it do that?
If I think about trends in my own algorithm, some frequent themes are funny dog videos, art, flower growing, yoga/meditation and psychology/philosophy centered content.
Umm, that seems pretty aligned with many of my professional and personal interests... So how is an aligned algorithm a potential near enemy to my actual relationship with these interests in my life?
If I’m watching tons of flower growing and arranging videos, my brain gets tricked into thinking I’m engaging in those activities, and although I may be learning, I’m not fully experiencing a relationship with the interest and that is the key difference. I can’t think of a single time when I’ve finished scrolling and felt satisfaction, contentment or fulfillment; I have often felt like I’ve eaten too much junk food.
When I am outside digging, planting, fertilizing or at the store buying varieties of seeds, I’m engaging with the whole experience AND the felt sense of the experience, the overwhelm, when I’m trying something new, the uncertainty when I’m making decisions, the excitement connected to both the process and the outcome and these are the dimensions of experience that our entire mind body system needs to feel alive and embodied.
Those full experiences are what allows us to derive meaning from the relationship to the interest, widening our world, deepening our understanding of ourselves and the world around us in a way that scrolling through videos can’t; because there's no application, no true connection.
Does that mean I can’t ever scroll? No, that would be aversion, another near enemy.
It means that the more I support myself in applying what I watch in connection to the experience or the hobby the more I’m in balance with both with my devices and in the practice of equanimity. I’m not craving or avoiding digital content, I’m mindfully engaging with it but investing most of my energy into the application and practice of those interests in my life.
I believe that using this lens to reflect on your relationship with digital content will also decrease the often accompanying self criticism about the overuse of your devices. Instead it can help you understand more about your interests, about what you may need more of in your life and a place to start engaging with those needs and experiences in your day to day life. Will that feel more uncomfortable and less pleasurable at first? Absolutely. Over time however, you will begin to notice that maybe you’re thinking about the interest more, maybe even looking forward to more engagement with it. That’s when you’ll feel it, the satisfaction and fulfillment of whole connection.
2023 In Review Using GLAD
Arriving at the end of another year invites us to focus on introspection and self reflection.
Rhythms and cycles are woven into every aspect of our lives, from the automatic rhythm of our breath as we inhale and exhale, to the continuous cycles of the sun, the moon and the seasons. We spend our lives entwined in these patterns, many times not exploring the power of consciously partnering with them. (And yes, this might be a teaser of a project I’m working on).
Using the end of a calendar year to reflect on your experiences of yourself and your life, the patterns, structure, choices and results, is a powerful tool for partnering with the ending and beginning of a new yearly cycle. It can also be an overwhelming exercise to consider, with thoughts similar to, “How do I review a whole year? I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast this morning.” Finding a manageable and meaningful way to begin a self reflection process can be challenging.
2023 was a transformational year for me, and even though I have developed introspective and self reflective practices for decades, I was finding that reflecting on my year in a meaningful way felt TOUGH. I kept listing events and experiences, which was helpful in acknowledging the content of the year but it wasn’t supporting my goal to find meaning.
So I pulled out an OLD mindfulness tool; one I included in the first workshop I created years ago, Mindfulness 101. The exercise is called GLAD and is significantly beneficial for general mood management and specifically depressive tendencies. The exercise as originally intended suggests that you acknowledge;
One small experience you are GRATEFUL for that day
One small thing that you LEARNED that day
One small ACCOMPLISHMENT for that day
And one small DELIGHT you experienced that day.
It’s effective when practiced consistently because it broadens your perception of your experience and opens you to notice daily experiences that bring meaning and purpose to your life. I decided to adapt it as a way to reflect on my year. I stayed with the basic approach and allowed myself to be flexible about how I described each category. If I wanted to add it more for each or wanted to summarize a category by describing a theme, then I did that. Here’s a bit of what I came up with.
This year, what I am grateful for is the grounded awareness that I can trust myself to live within my values, even when it is painful to do so. That doesn't mean I make “right” decisions, rather it means that I can trust myself to both be responsible for the decisions I make and change course when my values indicate that I need to. The grounded awareness of that trust has liberated me to take more risks and to be more vulnerable, trusting myself to care for myself no matter what the outcome.
This year, I learned that the love we offer ourselves and others as well as the love that is offered to us, is what can make the difference between surviving unexpected challenges and losses and learning, growing and thriving through those same difficulties. Love as a force, filled in the gaps when I reached my capacity, it lightened my load when I could hold no more, it witnessed with kind compassion, my grief and it preserved my connection to hope.
This year I accomplished a business restructuring to align with my current needs and I was able to make real progress on a decades long whisper in my heart, what I’ve come to refer to as a heart seed, this seed was planted during 2023 and is currently growing. It has stretched me and unsettled me and excited me. As all heart centered pursuits tend to do.
This year I delighted in gathering my first crop of dahlia seeds from my own harvest. I delighted in a few spontaneous and fun trips that made my belly ache from laughing and my feet hurt from dancing. And I delighted in a few new relationships I cultivated this year that reawakened some dormant, neglected aspects of myself that I deeply love.
If you are looking to start a relationship or perhaps deepen your relationship with New Year’s reflection, using GLAD can support you in both broadening your perspective on your year while also helping you to find meaning in your experiences this year.
Looking ahead to what is beginning; in 2024 I’m looking forward to offering a 4 part talk series aligned with each season, the first, Harnessing the Power of Winter Stillness will be offered sometime in late January. Details about the event and how to sign up are on the way!
I’m also looking forward to so many additional creative projects both within the practice and in my personal life, and as always, I’m looking forward to walking alongside many of you as you rediscover your voice and reclaim the power of using it in support of all your selves, past, present and future.
I wish each of you a new year filled with deep authentic connection to yourself and others and real moments of joy as you continue discovering and rediscovering how beautiful you are in mind body and spirit.
Relay Race Wisdom, a metaphor for intergenerational family patterns
One of my favorite activities growing up, in track and field as well as competitive swimming was the relay race.
I loved it because I had an individual stake in how our team performed AND it wasn’t just on me, there were three other team members that were also stakeholders in our overall performance; shared risk and shared victory or sometimes defeat. I can still feel the jittery excitement of that baton hitting my hand as I was starting to run and the momentum of diving off the starting block when my teammate touched the pool wall.
Because of the running and swimming events I participated in, I was often third or fourth in the lineup, so by the time it was my turn, I had some information about how we were doing and what I needed to do in my leg of the race for our team. Sometimes that meant I needed to dig deep and run/swim at the top of my skill level, sometimes that meant I had the opportunity to run/swim in my comfort zone and sometimes it meant I needed to run/swim beyond what I was consciously aware that I could do.
Family patterns across generations can be explored from a similar lens.
We are each responsible for our unique adult life AND how we experience our unique life is also connected to the folks that came before us, how they were raised, the social conditioning that influenced them, the specific aspects of identity that marginalized them and privileged them and the trauma they experienced, witnessed or were raised with.
Those factors impact not only what we each see as possible for our lives; they also impact how we see ourselves, how we think about ourselves and how we process our challenges, our opportunities and our environment in general. We can’t truly experience ourselves and our life in isolation and those folks who raised us and the folks that raised and influenced them aren’t totally responsible for our lives either.
It’s a team effort, another both/and. We both have the responsibility of creating a life that makes sense to us AND that life is influenced by those that came before us and are around us.
Doing the work to understand that shared responsibility supports us in consciously creating our lives which involves making decisions that align with our values, our hope and our dreams.
I’m at the point in my family’s evolution where I can start to evaluate how I’ve shown up “in my leg of the race”. I can see where I’ve made up some ground from the team mates before me and I’m starting to see the challenges and opportunities my children have in their own “legs of the race” because of who they are and because of how they’ve been influenced by me and other family members.
Taking responsibility in this way, I believe, continues to hold us accountable for our decisions and invites us to stay in relationship with ourselves gently and compassionately; we aren’t in charge of the whole team, just our part.
We're Moving!
We’re moving!
It’s true… after 9 years in our current location, we’ve decided it’s time to move.
Change can be exciting and scary. Leaving behind the memories we’ve built with each of you in this beautiful space, feels sad and yet, I’m also grateful to be able to hold those memories in my heart no matter where the practice moves. Because at its core, the healing community AS&A has built over the last 9 years here, is created and sustained, not so much by our physical location, but more from the energy and shared healing intentions of us as your providers and each of you as our clients.
So… the details!
We are still going to be downtown, I’m a downtown girl at heart so we’re staying in The Burg.
We’re moving to 826A Caroline St. on the third floor, above Juan More Taco and beside Fredericksburg Cupcake. Y’all have been telling me for years you often go to Carl’s after therapy, now you’ve got cupcakes and tacos right next door! The move is scheduled for October 8, so your appointments scheduled the week of October 11-14 will be at the new location.
We’ll be sure to send reminders to you in your client portal as the move approaches.
I look forward to creating new healing memories together in our new space!
The Process of Change
The process of change.
February 4th marks my 33rd sobriety anniversary, so I’ve been thinking about the concept and process of change in our lives. When I stopped drinking, a relationship that simultaneously functioned as a lifeline and a nuclear bomb in my life; I began the process of one of the most monumental changes in my life. That decision to change and the process of implementing that change has shaped the rest of my life, arguably more than any other single decision or change has, since then. Sobriety has transformed my relationship with myself and my relationships with others, as well as my world view, my aspirations, my values and my actions.
And WOW, so often, learning how to live sober felt overwhelming, uncertain, confusing, sad and yet other times the process felt exhilarating, relieving, hope filled and adventurous. Which I’ve come to understand through my work and my life is the true gift change can sometimes offer us. It can invite us into the unknown to fuel hope and possibility, to learn new ways of understanding ourselves and our lives and to unlearn what isn’t helpful to us or isn’t in alignment with our values and beliefs (both of which evolve across our lives).
If change can do all this wonderful stuff for us, why do we resist it so much? And is there anything we can practice to reduce the resistance to change so we can learn to partner with it?
The reasons we resist change are many and varied, and definitely a topic to be covered in future blogs. For this blog, to understand the process of change, it's useful enough to accept the notion that we tend to resist change. And yes, there are plenty of tools we can use to reduce the resistance to change in our lives. Below are 5 tools for you to use and get you started:
For additional tools you can use to reduce the resistance to change check out our Mindfulness 101 Online Course.
Notice when the resistance shows up, with curiosity.
Often, resistance shows up as limited or fear based thinking, in the present, future based or both.
Validate whatever you are feeling with statements like, “it makes sense I’m confused, change can be disruptive”. Or “It’s ok to not have all the answers, I can just do what's in front of me right now”.
Find support beams.
This consists of people who CAN BE emotionally supportive and people who demonstrate they can give you support. If you don’t have those relationships in your life right now, that’s ok too. I’ve been there. That’s when books, podcasts, videos, creativity, nature and spiritual practices can function as support beams.
Use beginner's mind.
Beginner’s mind is one of the most powerful mindfulness attitudes you can cultivate. By allowing yourself to be in a present moment without rushing to “know what’s going to happen”, you open up to what Dr. Dan Siegal calls the Plane of Possibility, a perspective that allows new insights, new outcomes and innovative problem solving.
Offer yourself compassion.
Especially when you’re in the messy middle of the change process. Insta snaps are just that, they aren’t reflective of the awkward, clumsy experience of change.
Are you looking for additional tools to reduce the resistance to change in your life?
Mindfulness 101 Online Course equips you with additional mindfulness based tools to help you reduce your resistance to change.
You can start using these mindfulness based tools today to empower you as you embrace the change in your life. Get the Mindfulness 101 Online Course below:
Do you want to be more present in your daily life, be able to shake off the distractions that weigh you down? Unlearn anxious patterns that restrict your connection to yourself and others?
Mindfulness 101 Online Course is designed to empower you with mindfulness tools and practices to increase your presence in your daily life, to support more focus, and to successfully shake off distractions and anxious thoughts patterns that weigh you down.
Filled with video lessons, audio meditations, an eBook FULL of reflection prompts and weekly mindfulness practices. PLUS bonus info… You are able to complete this online course from the comfort of your own home, your favorite coffee shop, or even as you are traveling!
In this course, you’ll receive:
Over 90 minutes of video instruction from me
Over 80 minutes of guided meditations to deepen the learning in each module
4 shorter guided mindful meditation practices
Several mindfulness based practices
Reflection questions and weekly ideas to make mindfulness a daily part of your mental health toolkit
With this course, you are given an eBook that gives you access to all of the modules, videos, and audio meditations, enabling you to set your own schedule with this course and complete it at your pace.
Start living your life more Mindfully today with the Mindfulness 101 Online Course.
What Does Support Look Like, Sound Like, Smell Like & Feel Like?
What does support look like, sound like, smell like and feel like?
This is a sensory based question I often ask my clients, because it moves them out of their head and into their body, into the felt sense of support. Typically, it takes them a minute or two, and even some additional guided inquiry by me to begin to open up to that part of knowing. It’s usually there, within them, they just haven’t yet acquainted themselves with it. Uncovering a felt sense of support is powerful because it can help you to recognize care, help and protection in your body before your mind catches up and creates a thought about your experience. The sensory data arrives first and when you que yourself to consciously connect with the sensory data you calibrate your guidance system in accessing support more attuned to your real time needs.
Here is a guided visualization exercise to assist you in developing a connection to your felt sense of support. All you need to begin is a quiet comfortable place where you can be undisturbed for 15 minutes and a little bit of willingness.
1. Find a comfortable seated or lying down position and begin to connect with your body by noticing your breath. Notice each inhalation and each exhalation. Notice the rhythm and process of how your breath moves and lives within you.
2. After a few moments of noticing, allow yourself to remember a time you felt support, support you offered yourself, or maybe support offered to you by someone else. The picture may even be an imagined experience of support, whatever arrives is enough and even just right to use for this exercise.
3. Now drop into your senses; what is the smell or smells in this experience of support? Is it related to food? A place? How does the support in this experience sound? Does it sound like music? A comforting voice? Sounds of nature? Really open to whatever those smells and sounds are and where you experience the sensations associated with those sounds and smells in your body. Next notice what you see? Notice the colors, textures and sizes of the scenery. What is touching you? Even what are you tasting? Follow the same process as above, not only noticing those aspects of sensory information but also noticing how you feel and where you feel that in your body.
4. Next allow yourself to use your breath to breathe in the felt sense of support, expand it as you deepen your inhalation and release any resistance to it with each exhalation. Spend at least a few minutes practicing this, until it feels less awkward and more natural to expand the sense of receiving support throughout your body.
5. Wrap up the visualization exercise by spending a moment in appreciation of the time and effort you just spent in embodying an experience of support. Affirm your intention to remain open to noticing the felt sense of support in your daily life.
Practicing simple visualization exercises like the one above, expands your ability to learn, how you respond to support, what support you may need in various situations and how to benefit more deeply from the felt sense of support.
The ABC's of Empathy for You & Your Children
Witnessing someone you love in pain is difficult. If the person in pain is our child, it can feel even more urgent to fix the pain, find a solution, and take care of whatever is going on for the person in pain, so that everyone feels better and things go back to “normal”.
Unfortunately that method of dealing with pain, doesn’t really fix anything. It sends the message to the person in pain that:
(1.) They are alone in what they are feeling and
(2.) They aren’t capable of handling the situation.
In fact, parents who are fixers often unintentionally, raise children who feel victimized and are at an increased risk of not understanding how their actions impact others and how others feel about experiences in general, in other words, empathy.
Empathy is the ability to feel another’s emotions, to really be able to put yourself in “their shoes” so to speak.
It certainly doesn’t solve anything, BUT it does validate the person in pain AND it does help them to feel understood and connected to others, which we need to feel a sense of belonging with others. When we belong among others we tend to think about how our behavior impacts those around us as well as ourselves, it improves conflict resolution, relationship satisfaction and even job satisfaction.
So how do we teach our kids empathy?
First we model it.
Yes, that’s the really hard part. We have to manage our own feelings when our children are in pain, struggling, so that we can meet them in their pain, understanding their perspective and validating their feelings. All of that can seem scary and out of control, but it works.
I can remember a time in my child’s life, an important day, and they were deeply disappointed by another family member forgetting and simply not showing up. My child was understandably devastated, and I was enraged. I wanted so badly to fix it, to smooth it over, to come up with a plan.
Instead, I sat on their bed and listened.
I said things like, “I see you’re hurt, and very sad, I’d feel that way too”. I also said things like “Everything you are saying makes sense.”
It was HAAAAAARRD.
My heart was breaking for them. However, after awhile my child started to say, “Ok, enough, I need to do something to enjoy the rest of my day.” I didn’t generate a solution, I didn’t swoop in to rescue, I just sat with them until they were ready to access their own resiliency and move through the pain. That was a time I modeled empathy well. There were also times, I didn’t, I assure you, but the point is, when we model empathy with our children, they understand their emotional landscape, feel safe with us as their parents, and feel more capable to handle the difficult things in their lives. That all sounds like what we want, right?
Along with modeling empathy, we can teach it by labeling emotions, asking our children what others involved in situations might be feeling, and when they are younger we can read books about empathy to them. All of these strategies help develop our children's skill in recognizing what they are feeling, understanding what others may be feeling and in predicting how their behavior impacts others, all of which helps them successfully navigate the world of relationships.
To help you we’ve put together a list of six books to read with your children or with the children that you love that beautifully illustrate empathy. We also have Integration Nation Episode 212: Empathy is a Magic Wand, as a resource to help you dive a little deeper into empathy skill building in your own life.
May we all hold our hearts and the hearts of others a little more kindly with a little more self awareness.
Meeting Yourself Where You Are: A Powerlifter's Story
Taking a deep breath, I was trying to prevent myself from crying. An immense pain was shooting through the inner part of my leg.
“I’m fine. You’re fine.” I kept repeating to myself in a futile attempt to calm myself down.
Something was wrong and I was not fine. I was in the middle of a training session for powerlifting and worked up to my top set. Once I attempted my top set- which should have moved fairly well- it didn’t even budge. Rather, a sharp pain began in my leg.
Little did I know this sharp pain was the beginning of a long journey.
Just a couple months out from my first powerlifting meet where I planned to qualify for nationals by receiving a specified total of weight lifted from squat, bench and deadlift, I was now considering dropping out. The pain in my leg turned out to be a significant strain of one of my adductors, causing it to be very difficult for me to squat and nearly impossible to deadlift. Now unable to do these two lifts that I was depending on to qualify for nationals, I was struggling to dial down my training and meet myself where I was.
I told myself that this pain was not really an injury and would go away in a few days after some extra foam rolling and hot yoga sessions.
Boy was I wrong.
Things only went downhill the more I denied things.
Finally, I decided to come to terms with the fact that I did, in fact, have an injury and I could not just make it go away by ignoring it.
I had to actually meet myself where I was at and take care of myself. That mindset ended up being a game changer.
Meeting myself where I was involved a carefully calculated integrative approach of mindfulness based self care, nutrition, aromatherapy and physical care.
I began with being mindful of my body and it’s needs. If I went to the gym to train one day and my leg was in pain, I would reduce how much I was doing for that workout. To the contrary, if I went to the gym and my leg felt a little better- a rare but phenomenal feeling- I took it and ran with it, figuratively speaking. On the good days I would push myself a little bit more, but not to the point where my leg would hurt. Simultaneously, I incorporated specific exercises into my training sessions to strengthen my adductors without further straining them.
Avoiding stretching, because it would worsen the strain, it became a consistent self discipline practice for me to foam roll every single day. Foam rolling helped to loosen my muscles and increase my range of motion. One day, I even got a deep tissue massage. Which, LET ME TELL YOU. That deep tissue massage worked wonders on not only my injured adductor, but my whole entire body.
Incorporated into my integrative care routine to heal my adductor was the utilization of essential oils. A few times a week I would take a hot bath with epsom salt, peppermint or deep blue, marjoram, rhoman chamomile and lavender oil. Lavender and marjoram oils would promote relaxation. Peppermint, deep blue and roman chamomile oils each have properties that aid in muscle recovery and the epsom salt aided my body in detoxification.
Yoga, also played a huge role in my journey of meeting myself where I was. Ironically, I had to stop practicing yoga, because of the strain it placed on my adductor, but the meditative, mindset and breathing aspects of yoga carried over for me. Being mindful of my body and listening to it, things I learned from yoga, intensely helped me with my lifting, and life in general, while being injured.
Being injured and also being cognizant of needing to take care of myself caused me to step up my nutrition. Already I ate very well- mostly whole foods that were unprocessed, but being injured I knew that I needed to fuel maximal recovery for optimal results. To be completely honest and transparent with you, I have quite the sweet tooth.
Especially when it comes to cookies.
During this time period I would allow myself to have a couple of gluten free cookies (I have a gluten sensitivity) every couple of weeks, but overall I steered clear of sugars. Primarily I ate veggies (LOTS of veggies), fruits, chicken, turkey burger and tuna. Maybe not the most appealing diet to some people, this micro and macro nutrient packed diet plan maximally fueled my training sessions while aiding recovery from workouts and my injury.
All in all, this was a situation that threatened my ability to even compete for a few months, but with a growth mindset and meeting myself where I was I ended up being able to compete and receive first place in both my weight class and age class for my powerlifting meet.
Taking the time to take care of yourself is always worth it. Even if you do not achieve certain ideals that you expected, you will learn so much more about yourself and develop a deeper connection with yourself and others.
Haley Mills
Instagram: @theliftingtater
Trusting the Momentum
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you’re noticing energy building in a direction that you haven’t anticipated, haven’t planned for, or even in a way that may scare you?
If this sounds familiar, then you may also relate to the notion of just not being able to shake off the building of momentum; it’ll pop up in unexpected moments, maybe you’ll notice related topics and ideas in media, articles, conversations.
Almost as if it has a life of its own, the shift will continue building energy around it, reaching a threshold point that invites us to lean in, to jump, to turn. Which, let’s be real, is a scary process to engage in.
We are in part wired for predictability, so leaning into the unanticipated with trust, whew, that’s rough.
What I’ve come to believe and understand is that actually trusting the momentum of my life in that way is strong evidence of being “in the flow” of intention. When I’m clear on intentions, that doesn’t mean I can predict the best pathway to the fulfillment of the intention. That’s where the trust comes in, and honestly, if I’m not present in the moment, I really decrease my chances of even noticing building momentum in a particular direction.
Around 18 months ago I began to think about changing my business model to a more integrative structure to model our integrative approach, I hired Haley 9 months later (best decision ever), started the podcast (such a steep learning curve and valuable tool for people to support their health) and by the beginning of 2019 I was ready to hire another integrative therapist. Shortly into 2019, some shifts within my family revealed another important affirming process was unfolding, and at the time I remember thinking, “this is fantastic and with planning, I’ll be able to be present and show up as a support beam throughout this process, for my child, whom I love dearly”.
June came, and then, through an acquaintance of mine connected to advocacy work I’m involved in, in part because of the diversity within my family, I “accidentally” actually “serendipitously” saw a listing for our dream farmette. A place that was large enough to accommodate part of my business dream and small enough to create a family sanctuary.
My first thought, “No way, can’t even look, don’t have the bandwidth at all for this right now!”
I couldn’t shake it, and well after a seamless flow of doors opening in bizarrely unexpected ways, we now own the farmette (stay tuned for exciting workshops there in 2020) and we closed on it a week before the culmination of our family transition process and 10 days before our new therapist comes on board.
NOT THE WAY I WOULD’VE PLANNED, AT ALL.
Yet, I’ve been able to navigate the concurrent demands of these three big things happening at once and I’m strangely grounded about it all. That’s the flow at work, so I’m gonna keep trusting the momentum and invite you to do the same.
Ask us about our upcoming Meditation 201 Workshop and online Food & Mood Support group to help you with your momentum and journey!
The Golden Ticket
Sometimes life throws us something we aren’t expecting- a loss, an injury.
Sometimes we invite a change into our lives with a move, new relationship, new goal or dream.
When we find ourselves in this position, sometimes there’s a pull toward comparison with other people. A tendency to compare our inside feelings with an outside appearance, especially when we feel out of control, insecure and overwhelmed. We may then begin to think that “we are missing something that others have”, “that we aren’t enough”, that we need the ‘golden ticket ‘ in order to feel at peace or at least marginally comfortable again.
Actually we have the golden ticket inside us already.
It’s the golden ticket of meeting ourselves where we are with self acceptance
Ok so what does that mean? And how do we do that when we are feeling so out of control and overwhelmed?
It means that we allow ourselves to be exactly who we are in this situation, without judgement and without demanding perfection. It means that we open up to the notion that there isn’t one right way to live a life, that the challenge is to authentically and wholeheartedly live the life we are experiencing.
How do we do that?
If only there was a one size fits all blueprint that I could share.
There isn’t.
What I can share are tools to guide you toward more self-acceptance, toward meeting yourself where you are with kindness and compassion:
Take a pause and notice what’s going on in your thoughts, your emotions and in your body. Notice, don’t attach. Be curious, not judgmental.
Acknowledge your inherent worth, within the circumstance you are experiencing. You have worth because you are here and you are you.
Let go of comparison with others, even if you have to let go in tiny pieces. LET IT GO. It is toxic and invalid. It serves to undermine your worth, progress and unique experience of your life.
Affirm your efforts, however uncomfortable it may feel. Affirming our efforts increases motivation and fuels a growth mindset.
Embrace the awkward. Whenever we are learning there is going to be an awkward stage. Lean in.
Self-empathy. Integration Nation Episode 212: Empathy- The Magic Wand can help you with this.
Self-acceptance is essential for us to develop authentic intimacy with ourselves and with other people. It releases us from the tyranny of comparison and supports us in the direction of our heart. Anything that does that merits the distinction as a golden ticket.
Take hold of your golden ticket as you meet yourself where you are at, lean in and grow.
As always. please leave any comments or questions you may have on meeting yourself where you are at in the comments or shoot us an e-mail.
3 Meditation Myths & Common Mistakes
Meditation is a science backed activity that relieves stress and, unfortunately, has some misinformation surrounding it. Today we are going to look at and debunk a few of these myths and misconceptions that gives meditation and meditation classes a bad rep.
Myth #1:
Meditation benefits take years to notice.
NOPE, research suggests people can begin to benefit from meditation in as little as 10 minutes a day. Measurable brain changes occur after 8 weeks of daily 20 minute meditation practices.
Myth #2:
Your mind has to be empty for it to work.
Once again, nope.
Meditation practices and experiences are as varied as types of candy that I love, so in other words, a lot.
Myth #3:
Meditation is B.S.
This is also false because, meditation has a robust science backing and many proven benefits to improve your health and overall life.
Now that we have debunked a few myths, what are 3 of the most common mistakes made when attempting meditation?
3 Most Common Meditation Mistakes
Giving up.
Giving up.
Giving up.
That’s right, really the only mistake you can make is to give up.
Meditation is a relationship that is dynamic and with practice can become a primary tool in your wellness bag.
So, don’t give up! Keep learning in your pursuit of a better and healthier you!
If you want to learn more about Meditation and all of it’s benefits (reduce anxiety and depression, reduce stress, improve work efficiency just to name a few) check out our upcoming Meditation for Beginners class at our office located in downtown Fredericksburg by clicking here!
Psychotherapy Myth #3: Therapy is a Magic Wand
Myth:
Therapy is a magic wand.
Truth:
Therapy is a process, a relationship and a conversation.
(Side note: conversation is my current favorite word).
Therapy develops and supports you in self awareness, self discovery, personal accountability and learning how to peacefully and more completely belong to yourself.
The conversation that is had in therapy, that process is dynamic.
Therapy explores you, your story, your supporting cast, your plot line.
It isn’t about a director telling you what to do and how to do it- and then presto chango, the work is instantly done.
Therapy is a conversation, a dance that reveals to you the unique beauty, magic and potential within you by examining the “themes” of your experiences and relationships.
Week after week, session after session, therapy opens you to yourself more completely which in turn opens up your life to new possibilities outside of the therapy sessions.
That’s important for several reasons.
If therapy was a magic wand, it would rob you of the best adventure of your life; getting intimately and LOVINGLY connected to you.
If therapy was a magic wand, you wouldn’t discover how capable, competent and confident you are when you are accountable, when you develop self acceptance, when you risk change.
That awareness and those experiences ARE the magic of the therapy process and conversation.
Doing the work to change your life, and allowing therapy to support you, rebels against instant perfectionism. Instead, it says, “Sit down for awhile so you can learn to love all of your imperfect self. Can I get you a cup of tea while you’re here?”
Contact us today at our downtown Fredericksburg, VA to begin your journey of self-discovery and begin therapy online or locally to have relationship and conversation.
Psychotherapy Myth #2: I Don't Need Therapy I Can Just Talk to My Friends
Good and trusted friends are, in heartfelt and pragmatic aspects, a really important support system for us throughout our lifespan.
Research is clear on the benefits of friends for our mental and physical wellness; it supports that those relationships improve our wellness throughout our lifespan.
However, what I am about to say is really important to deeply consider.
Therapy is different from talking to friends in very specific, important ways.
1. Therapy is a business relationship.
Heart centered and health focused, yes, but also a business relationship with the sole purpose of helping you heal.
2. Therapy helps you heal by utilizing science based theories and interventions within the context of the therapeutic relationship.
Wait… what, Alison?
Essentially, what I mean by this is that the conversation is guided by science to help you directly achieve your goals. I am continually centered on utilizing various skill sets I’ve developed as a licensed clinician social worker during each session with clients to target exactly what the client’s goals are.
3. Therapeutic disclosure focused on you.
Although I believe therapeutic self disclosure is super helpful in working with clients, any disclosure is for the sole purpose of helping the client; therapy is essentially a one sided relationship, focused on you. Isn’t that great?
Once again it seems like another both/and situation as opposed to an either/or… and yes, that is an upcoming Integration Nation podcast episode.
If you do have any questions or want to begin your counseling journey today, to rediscover that you are enough, check us out at our Fredericksburg office by giving us a call or sending an e-mail.
Psychotherapy Myth 1: Only "Crazy People" Go to Therapy
I absolutely cannot speak for other therapists or where they stand on these myths associated with psychotherapy.
This new blog series is about dispelling psychotherapy myths based on how I practice and based upon how I view psychotherapy as an integrative therapist.
Sooooooo….. here we go.
We’re diving deep right away, because there is no sense in wasting your time.
To be completely vulnerable with you, I got a little angry even typing out the phrase “crazy people”, it’s derogative and demeans the very legitimate struggles we ALL experience as human beings. Every person encounters a struggle or trial at some point in their lives, and it is okay, essential even, to seek out guidance from a counselor during the times we feel stuck.
In my downtown Fredericksburg practice, we come from the perspective that psychotherapy and counseling is a sacred space to find guidance and support in not only RESOLVING grief and trauma, but also INTEGRATING new aspects of self and gaining UNDERSTANDING and SELF AWARENESS about life transitions from a holistic lens.
As licensed clinicians and actual human beings, we deeply believe in the inherent worth and dignity of individuals. Stemming from that foundational belief, we also believe people are strong enough to acknowledge patterns of thinking and patterns of behavior that do not support who they are becoming and how they want to contribute in their unique lives.
AND we believe in empowering people.
Empowering people to learn how to support their health holistically is one of primary objectives as counselors. We see therapy as part of a good comprehensive health care, therefore we operate and advocate to break the stigma associated with mental health care.
I guess in short it boils down to, we love people.
We really love people, and we believe in the worth of people and and that all people can benefit from psychotherapy that respects the adaptive power which every single human being possesses.
Counseling works and you aren’t “crazy”.
Food & Mood: Is It Really That Simple?
Is it really that “simple”?
As a psychology undergrad I remember thinking, “mental health has to be more complex than sleeping, eating, relaxing, and moving.” Yes, while our mental health is more than those factors, I’ve come to believe these elements are absolutely foundational aspects of caring for our complex mind-body system.
This blog is all about eating.
I LOVE TO EAT, as I’m sure most of you do too.
What I love even more than eating is feeling energized, fueled, nourished and satisfied while also physically comfortable after I eat, which wasn’t the case for a LONG time. I thought for the longest time that I just had a “sensitive” stomach, that for whatever reason, I was prone to stomach upset, nausea, bloating, cramping.
Turns out I just wasn’t properly caring for my engine.
I’m a really visual person. Therefore, I often think about my mind-body like an engine. When we care for our engine with attention and awareness to sleep, diet, movement and play, we empower the engine to stay healthy and balanced. Which does have a HUGE impact on our mental health. Our engine is built to care for us and run reliably. We just have to fuel our engine to support it in caring for us. When we do that, we have the energy and focus to process, explore and restructure the other aspects of our situation and experiences that may affect our mental health and moods.
What exactly does food have to do with mood?
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” you might say, “I know I’m not supposed to eat chips, candy, fast food, and soda, I got it.” Well, good for you! I’m still an occasional eater of chips and a pretty regular eater of candy (chocolate especially). I’ll rarely pass an opportunity to eat chocolate cake! But there is much more to food and mood than eating junk food mindfully.
I’m specifically talking about the theory of bio individuality and why that matters in relation to the food we eat.
Bio individuality says that we aren’t a one size fits all, and that we need to bring curiosity and awareness to what our body needs and how it functions best.
This is because our mind-body LOVES us and wants to help us live a full, rewarding life. Our moods often provide us the data we need to begin to understand our unique engine and how to fuel it. This theory is something I’m passionate about, because I’ve seen the miracles applying it has produced in my life, and the lives of countless clients.
When I started applying the theory to my “sensitive” stomach, healing began, and frankly the healing snowballed pretty rapidly, in part I think because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, so I put a lot of energy into figuring out my engine accurately. If you are eating foods that aren’t necessarily on the “horrible and bad” junk food list and still feeling edgy, lethargic, foggy, moody, depressed, etc., then there is likely another food habit that is creating a negative physiological cascade in your system and that habit may display itself as a mood issue.
For example, functional hypoglycemia is a condition like that; one that can mirror depression and anxiety. Changing the foods a person eats and when a person eats can correct hypoglycemia, decreasing, if not eliminating the depression and anxiety symptoms.
An equally compelling reason to begin getting more curious about your engine is the ever increasing data describing our gut as our second brain. Our gut actually has neurotransmitters, just like our brains AND current thinking is that as much as 90% of serotonin (primary mood management neurotransmitter) is in our gut.
Wait, what?
Yes… 90%, so there is science behind why our relationship with food directly impacts our mood.
How can I find my way through all of the information and figure out the foods that might be affecting my mental health?
At this point, you may be thinking, “What the hell? This is overwhelming. I’m not sure I even want to think about it.”
I’ve been there! I had a health crisis about 10 years ago that forced me to pay attention and I felt the same way. I wish an integrative mental health practice had been available to help me figure out what I needed to eat and just how and when to eat it in a methodical, doable way.
It just didn’t exist, so I became that practitioner.
The internet can help anyone begin to understand bio individuality and how to begin to track mood symptoms. I love when clients get involved in their own mental health in this way. However, at some point consistent support really, really helps. An integrative mental health provider is someone who is going to look at all aspects of your life and experiences when assessing and treating any mood issues you are experiencing, a person’s relationship with food is a big piece of the puzzle,that an integrative provider can support you with. Alison Sullivan and Associates is here for you or happy to help you find a practitioner in your area.
From personal experience, it’s worth it.
What about that cake?
Back to the chocolate cake: there was a time when I loved eating it, but afterward I felt bloated, edgy, and slightly paranoid — which is no fun for anyone! Today, I still eat it, and LOVE it. I just make sure it’s gluten free, with high quality chocolate and no processed stuff. To me, it’s tastier that way. I get to enjoy it while I’m eating it and I no longer have to pay a physical, mental or emotional price.
If you want to improve and heal your relationship with food, check out my online Food Mood Reboot workshop that you can do from the comfort of your own home!
Are You Screening Your Own Calls?
Last week I was meeting with a client and we were discussing the concept of self-betrayal as it relates to security and confidence both in decision making and in relationships, when she suddenly said, “I need to stop screening my own calls, do I even trust myself to answer when I call?”
It was a profound therapeutic moment that reinforced a long-held belief of mine; that people have their own answers and sometimes just need a little guidance to reveal or remember their innate wisdom.
What does it mean to screen your own calls and how can that influence our relationship with ourselves and our lives?
To me it means, that in turning away from ourselves, our wants, our needs, our feelings- we are, over time telling ourselves in a fundamental way that we don’t matter, we aren’t important enough to attend to.
Let’s go back to the phone call metaphor; we all have moments when we need to decline a call because we are involved in an important task that needs most of our attention, like driving, a meal with family, showering, a business meeting and at those times it’s appropriate to delay answering the call, while still acknowledging that a call has come in. If we continually look at our phone screen and say, nope not answering, nope not answering again, then the avoidance leads to a pattern of self-neglect which gives the clear message of, this or you, aren’t worth my time.
Eventually, if we are ignoring our inner wisdom, our own voice, our calls for attention, reflection, effort, then we begin to mistrust our ability to care for ourselves because the evidence we have tells us we can’t be trusted. Over time that mistrust can erode our confidence in relationships, at work and in our personal endeavors. In that space of neglect, self-doubt creeps in and begins to make us question our worth, our abilities and our gut instincts.
When we instead, do the opposite and answer our calls, or even call ourselves back at the earliest opportunity, we are communicating that we matter to ourselves, that our voice, our yearnings, gut feelings, nagging thoughts are valuable and worth time and attention.
Similarly, to the momentum that the self-neglect builds, that attunement enables us to be more comfortable with the process of unfolding, it allows us to trust that we are there for ourselves even in the mess of uncertainty. That is a foundation of secure attachment to ourselves which gives us the confidence to risk, to try, to speak up, or to say no. All of which are vital to making sound decisions and building healthy relationships.
It’s time to answer the phone, it’s you calling and it’s important.
It's All About A Choice
We all have moments throughout our lives when we stop and reflect, how did I get here? How did I end up in this job? Where did this extra weight come from? Why am I in this marriage/relationship? or How did I get so lucky? How did I land this job, partner etc?
Sometimes, I believe, we think it’s happenstance, coincidental; like leaves blowing in the wind, we travel and land as the wind directs us. Although, we are continually making choices whether we are conscious of that or not and these choices, decisions and actions direct our course.
I’ve reflected on whether there are rhythms and patterns related to the choices, over the years as I work with people and I think it boils down to two decision patterns- when and where do we lean in and when and where do we turn away.
When and where do we lean in… what does that even mean?
To me it means what situations and experiences do we turn towards and say yes to. Where do we allow ourselves to feel our feelings and move more deeply into a person, a career, an experience, or even a dream, hope or wish.
It’s in those ordinary moments when we decide to tell someone how we feel or fill out the application or say yes to the date, the invitation, the opportunity, that we are deciding. We are deciding that we want something more than our concern about handling our feelings or managing the outcome of the experience. We lean into the potential of something and in so doing, set in motion a chain of events that changes a potential into an actual.
Conversely, where do we turn away?
When do we say no to ourselves? To an idea? To an opportunity? At these thresholds we are doing the same, we are charting our course by saying no, by avoiding, by denying, just as much as we do when we lean into. When we turn away, we are in effect saying I don’t want to feel this, look at this, join this, hope for this, risk this, try this or know this.
We are turning away to stay in place.
The illusion of the idea of standing still is that in turning away we are still setting in motion a chain of events that changes potential into an actual.
The next time you find yourself wondering why this happened, how you arrived here or thanked the luck of the stars or blessed the happy accident of good fortune, remember, our lives, our paths are not similar to leaves blowing in the wind. Instead, join with conscious decision making so that whether you are leaning in or turning away you claim the choice and in so doing claim the power of the potential.