14 Lessons from 14 Years: Insights from a Therapist in Private Practice
Knowing that I don’t know more than I know, is what keeps me open, curious and flexible.
This is based on an attitude of mindfulness called beginner’s mind. As soon as I decide that I know, I stop being truly open. When I’m not open, I’m not present. When I’m not present, I can’t really even see the person or people I’m with. That’s true in my work and in my personal life. If I stay centered in not knowing, there is an energy of discovery that inspires me to be more curious and helps me to be more present. In that energy, the people around me feel seen and I feel like I’m a part of something much bigger than my ego or the facts my mind says matter so much.
Owning a small business has taught me how to hold space for both the freedom of autonomy and the, at times, overwhelming pressure, which taught me that:
Creativity flourishes in an atmosphere of freedom, focus and consistency
These two beliefs highlight how freedom continues to be the perennial muse for me. In the pursuit of professional freedom, I’ve had to learn to deal with the pressures of being a business owner AND being the service/product I offer. Even on the days or seasons that it seems too risky, it remains totally worth it because for me, facing those pressures creatively is what deepens my sense of personal freedom.
Good therapy is grounded in science, really good therapy is a blend of art and science.
I’ve come to believe this wholeheartedly. I’ve witnessed countless times where the reigniting of hope, of faith, of trust comes from following a hunch based on a picture I see in my head, or a word I can’t shake during a session. That’s the art; it’s surrendering to the dynamic process of psychotherapy, trusting that the science is the paint and the painting is co-created from the openhearted connection between the therapist and the client.
You can only meet others to the depth you have met yourself (this is a hill I will die on).
I’ve come to believe this in my core. Clients can feel the energy of the therapist, they can feel if I’m genuinely ok going where they need to go. Being able to walk alongside them wherever they need to go, is often what is so reparative for them. You can’t fake it. It will erode the trust in a nanosecond. I think this is true in personal relationships too. When I stay centered in this construct, I don’t create unrealistic expectations of others, which actually helps me to see and appreciate people as they are (this is very much a progress not perfection thing for me).
This work restores my faith in the human spirit and at the same time, challenges me to not lose faith in humanity.
I’m moved to tears on a weekly basis, sometimes daily basis, by the courage and tenacity of the human heart. I’ve witnessed hundreds of people transform and recover from horrific atrocities to build meaningful, joy filled, lives. It’s truly the most humbling thing I’ve witnessed. At the same time, it’s hard to reconcile this with the depravity of the crimes my clients suffer, the systems that oppress them, and the seemingly unrelenting violence against vulnerability and innocence. I believe, at least I do right now, that inhabiting the space where I’m willing to wrestle with the ills of humanity while being simultaneously inspired by the human heart is an act of respect for my clients’ lived experiences. I hope staying in the discomfort of the tension between those two states will help me to keep growing, so I can contribute more to the solutions than I do to the problems.
The more I care for myself, the more I can care for my clients.
Energy doesn’t lie. When I care for myself, consistently, I have the energy I need to be present for each of my clients. They can feel the resonance of what I’m saying to them if I’m centered in the same practices. Again, there’s no faking it with this.
I think I’ve learned more from my clients than they’ve learned from me.
The relationships I have or have had with my clients has, and continues to transform who I am. What an incredible gift that is, one I don’t think I can ever pay back fully.
Therapeutic self disclosure, when used mindfully, IS a powerful tool for clients.
I’m not quite certain why it’s so powerful, it seems like a situation where the sum is greater than the total of its parts. What I do know, is that sharing my humanity, (intentionally and skillfully) is how a heart can remember it is connected to other hearts, it’s safe and it can heal.
I love lunch, and my lunch hour is sacred.
The entire time I’ve been in business, I’ve blocked off the hour of 12-1 for lunch. I think it’s one of the smartest business decisions I made. It gives me time to rest, to recharge and to eat without rushing, which I always enjoy, AND midday eating is simply the best. It’s when food hits just right. Lunch is a love note I give myself on a daily basis, and If you know me, you know it always ends with some dark chocolate.
Owning my mistakes with clients helps build trust as much as getting it right does.
We all miss the mark. Trust in relationships is built with emotional safety, and owning my mistakes creates an atmosphere of safety. Yes, clients need to feel like I’m competent to help them, but part of that competence is being human. In grad school, I worried a lot about making mistakes with clients. I was so concerned the mistakes would undermine the trust clients had in me. I was so wrong. Do I need to learn from my mistakes so I don’t keep making the same ones, absolutely. Owning them when they happen is the first step in learning from them.
The more we all learn to feel safe within ourselves in uncertainty, the more we will individually and collectively heal, (another hill I will die on).
Life is uncertain and there are so many unknowns as we navigate the uncertainty. If we pretend that isn’t true, it creates significant mental distress. Coping with uncertainty around us by building an internal sense of safety feels similar to living in a well built house with a sturdy foundation and good roof during a storm. It doesn’t influence when the storm ends, it does give you the felt sense of safety you need to help you feel your way through it.
Clear is kind, unclear is unkind, thank you Brene Brown.
Clarity reduces anxiety. It helps people to trust themselves and their perceptions and at the same time it reduces the risk of misunderstanding and misguided assumptions. It’s a way of demonstrating respect for yourself and others because it says I know there is nothing inherently wrong with expressing myself (it is our power) and I trust that you (the other) are capable of dealing with it.
Listening, truly listening, is the language of love.
This isn’t something that words can describe well. Try it, I think you’ll feel the same.
I am so grateful I get to practice what I love everyday.
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