Building Security With Both / And
Parts of Covid, at least the lockdown isolating phases of Covid, are beginning to shift AND we are also still in the midst of the ongoing pandemic; navigating reentry, recovery, and the new variant. We have resolved some of the initial uncertainty associated with this devastating illness AND we are still uncertain about how we are going to gather again safely. In my personal life, I’m dealing with the complexity of Covid in the varying roles I have in my life with confidence AND trepidation, with curiosity AND with fear, with hope AND with grief. The ways my family and practice colleagues are approaching similar issues related to Covid BOTH resembles what I am choosing AND differs from my decisions.
All of it is real.
It’s complicated and so often in an effort to gain more control and more certainty we rush to find ways to feel more in control and more certain. That’s where Both/And comes in handy and that is why I chose to write this blog now. Because we are all in varying ways navigating how our lives are still somewhat isolated AND how to re engage with work, school and others, safely.
If you are working with me or have worked with me in the past then you’ve heard me say BOTH/AND, probably to the threshold of irritation. I use this concept EVERY SINGLE DAY.
It’s that important.
…In fact, if I were on a desert island and could only take one perceptual tool with me, it would be this one.
I’ll explain why. ..
Either/or thinking also known as dichotomous thinking creates a false dichotomy, often in the service of finding certainty. It artificially narrows our experiences and our feelings into this or that categories in an effort to increase a sense of security, by thinking we understand and can decide with certainty about complex aspects of our humanity, aspects that often defy certainty.
The problem with dichotomous thinking though is that it doesn't accurately reflect feelings and experiences. But both/and does.
Both/and thinking, also known as non-dualistic thinking tolerates uncertainty by allowing you to make room for all of “it”, whatever “it” is. Both/And opens us up to the possibility that you both love your partner and feel stifled in the relationship, which can be scary to acknowledge AND also liberating. You can enjoy the security of your job AND crave a more creative pursuit. You can appreciate the companionship of treasured friends AND be annoyed by their personality quirks. You can feel grief and joy in the same space or experience disappointment and gratitude; which is a more accurate lens to explore ourselves and our relationships with.
So how can you apply this thinking tool to your life as it relates to Covid?
Notice where you feel uncertainty in your life right now. Maybe it's related to varying vaccine statuses in your workplace and the policies around that. Maybe it's connected to school settings. Maybe it’s connected to immediate and extended family situations. Maybe even all of the above!
Acknowledge ALL of your feelings related to the uncertainty. Especially if they seem in conflict with each other. Acknowledge, don’t judge or criticize.
Consciously and intentionally hold space for all of the feelings WITHOUT judgement. Here are a few examples of what that might look like. I’m happy I’m vaccinated because I feel more safe AND I am worried about my kids not being vaccinated. I’m scared to return to the workplace because I don’t feel secure about the policies in place AND I’m looking forward to seeing more people outside of my home. I am angry that I’m still isolated from parts of my previous life that I enjoyed AND I’m really disappointed in how my family is responding to the situation.
For me, currently, a both/and statement is; I’m grateful that my family is vaccinated AND I’m concerned about how the Delta variant is impacting everyone regardless of vaccination status. Another is, I’m excited to gather with folks again AND concerned about how to do that safely. Another related to work is, I’m grateful we have a practice management system that can allow us to work remotely if need be AND I’m concerned about how the ever changing landscape is affecting our clients.
Opening up to the complexity of uncertain situations using this approach, counter intuitively CAN increase our security, maybe not in the moment, but certainly longer term because it’s honest and it's real. So this approach helps us build distress tolerance, helps us build self trust and helps us build self confidence; all of which foster resiliency. And resiliency is what fuels hope. And hope fuels belonging. Which is what we all are actually looking for when we are struggling to find certainty. I think it’s actually more about a safe, secure place to belong in the uncertainty.
