Non Attachment Saved Me
For most of my life, I’ve intellectually understood and accepted non attachment as a useful mindset. But to be real… I’ve kept that practice at arm’s length pretty consistently, until almost three years ago.
In 2013, my life started smoothing out. I was in a rhythm with parenting, with my business, and with caring for my health. The challenges and hurdles seemed to be mostly in my rearview mirror, which I was so grateful for.
It also seemed like the universe was finally saying to my dearest friend, and me, that it was our time. We met in 1995 and quickly became deep, close friends. It felt almost instant; we talked every day, we supported each other's dreams, comforted each other's fears, adventured together, and laughed constantly. There was deep love, but the timing was never right for anything more… until it was.
When that spark ignited in 2013 I felt like our lives and the universe had conspired to give us this gift, this happily ever after. We built that new dimension of love slowly, steadily, with intention and gratitude. We created what both of us always wanted, a relationship that was a sanctuary. We were in the flow, absolutely delighted and very attached to our story, to our marriage and to the family we blended. It felt like I had turned the corner from learning through pain to learning through love and peace. Everything finally fit, and together we were creating our dreams in the present and our plans and dreams for the future.
We knew each other through and through. We’d witnessed so many of each other's life chapters that the security, the certainty felt unshakable. I knew him as a whole human, I witnessed his shadow and he witnessed mine. I wasn’t naive about the challenges we would face, I was fairly certain there might be several, and that’s what added to my security, it seemed realistically real.
And it was real, until it wasn’t. Until the one thing I would have bet my life wouldn’t happen, happened. It fractured our marriage instantly and completely. I was in total shock. My mind couldn’t make sense of what was happening. We’d done everything right. We built our relationship with honesty and intention. I couldn’t reconcile that lived experience with what I had discovered. We were supposed to be each other’s happily ever after. Overnight, almost everything I knew about my life outside of my work, was gone.
That’s when I began to live into the power of non attachment. If I clung to the story of the life I had, and the identity wrapped up in that life, I knew I wouldn’t emotionally survive it, it truly felt like non attachment was the only lifeline I had to hold on to to rebuild myself.
I had to live into flow, not just talk about it, I had to release the certainty and security of the structure of my life and allow so much of it to fall away.
I had to let go of the story that our love and our marriage was the calm after so many storms.
I kept thinking about how I felt like the winter trees I often talk about in my work, their essence is laid bare, and I tried to center myself in the beauty of that essence, the rawness and vulnerability of it.
I let non attachment begin to work its magic. I didn’t have to know who I was becoming or where I was going, just like the trees, I could just be in the day I was in. I could let what showed up in the present be enough. I could notice what remained. And in that raw vulnerability I started growing new roots, a few new branches and some tiny leaves. I started finding a rhythm in my life on my own. I was gaining confidence in my ability to accept my life on life's terms in this new chapter.
And then about 18 months into that process, he died.
I felt like I was right back at square one. The grief leveled me emotionally. It felt like I had just gotten my sea legs, and suddenly I was back underwater, clinging to denial, I felt like I couldn’t bear accepting that he was gone.
He was still woven into every part of me. I hadn’t even finished making sense of what fractured us and I had to somehow make sense of the fact that he was gone.
I would not ever hear his booming voice again or his infectious laugh. I wouldn’t ever feel the sturdiness of his energy, or the warmth of his hand.
Because even though our life together had fractured, I still felt connected to his physical presence. Life invited me to release more.
Non attachment offered me a path to release the certainty and comfort his physical existence still offered me. Again, more deeply this time; I had to release the attachments to him, to our story and to the whys, if I wanted to get through the grief.
Non attachment allowed the waves of grief to knock me down.
Non attachment allowed me to release the fear of the grief, and instead let it transform me, into someone new, someone I’m just starting to get to know.
Non attachment opened me so I could really lean into the gift of the love that my grief honored.
Non attachment soothed my fears about what the future would look like by connecting me to the beauty of what was present in my life now so I could experience the freedom of trusting myself.
Non attachment taught me how to let go of the whys and lean into what is.
And non attachment gave me permission to throw away the rule book I was still secretly attached to and instead create a living breathing work of art through living my life with my eyes and heart open. Open to hold, to discover and to release, not attach to.
I’m starting to realize and believe that just as deeply as our love, marriage and life together healed me and held me; the loss of our life together and of him, is also healing me and holding me. It just looks and feels different now.
Coming Soon…
Connection through Creativity 🌿
A 6-week journey to reconnect with your creative flow, ease anxiety, and find clarity in what truly matters to you. Through guided art, writing, and mixed-media practices, you’ll explore self-expression, build confidence, and set intentions for the life you want to create.
No artistic experience needed, just bring your curiosity and an open heart.
Stay tuned for dates + details!
Maiden, Mother, Crone ✨
A workshop for women centered on integrating these archetypal influences into your life to deepen your understanding of yourself and your power
