Therapy Is Not Punitive
Therapy Is Not a Punishment: Why Parents Should Avoid Using Therapy as a Consequence
As therapists, we often hear children say things like, "My mom told me to tell you what I did," or "I'm here because I got in trouble." While these statements may seem harmless, they can reveal a misunderstanding about the purpose of therapy that can unintentionally undermine the therapeutic process.
Parents naturally want to address challenging behaviors, improve communication, and help their children make better choices. Therapy can absolutely support those goals. However, when therapy is framed as a punishment or a place where adults report a child's misbehavior, it can create barriers that make meaningful growth much more difficult.
Therapy Is a Relationship, Not a Consequence
When a child is sent to therapy because they broke a rule, acted out, or made a poor decision, they may begin to view the therapist as an extension of discipline rather than a source of support.
Children need to experience therapy as a safe place where they can explore their thoughts, emotions, fears, and mistakes without feeling judged. If therapy becomes associated with punishment, the child may enter sessions feeling defensive, guarded, or resistant.
Imagine if every time you made a mistake at work, someone required you to attend therapy as a consequence. Most adults would approach those sessions with skepticism rather than openness. Children are no different.
Therapy Is Not a Courtroom
Many parents understandably want therapists to know what happened at home or school. Sharing relevant information is important and often necessary. However, there is a difference between providing context and using therapy as a venue to prosecute a case.
Children quickly recognize when a session becomes an opportunity for adults to list their failures, mistakes, or poor choices. When this happens, therapy can feel less like a supportive environment and more like a courtroom where evidence is being presented against them.
Children Need a Place Where They Are More Than Their Behavior
Behavior is information. It tells us that something is happening beneath the surface.
An angry child may be scared.
A defiant child may feel powerless.
A disrespectful child may be carrying hurt, embarrassment, or frustration.
When therapy focuses exclusively on correcting behavior, we miss the opportunity to understand what is driving it.
The goal is not to excuse inappropriate actions. Accountability and responsibility remain important. Rather, therapy seeks to understand the underlying emotions, experiences, and patterns that contribute to those actions.
Children are more likely to change when they feel understood than when they feel condemned.
Trust Is the Foundation of Effective Therapy
Research consistently shows that the quality of the therapeutic relationship is one of the strongest predictors of positive outcomes.
For therapy to work, children must believe that the therapist is someone who is genuinely interested in understanding them. If they perceive the therapist as another adult whose job is to monitor, report, or punish them, trust becomes much harder to establish.
This does not mean therapists keep secrets from parents or ignore safety concerns. It means the therapist's primary role is to help the child understand themselves, develop coping skills, and strengthen their ability to navigate life's challenges.
What Parents Can Say Instead
Rather than saying:
"You're going to therapy because of your behavior."
"Wait until you tell your therapist what you did."
"I'm going to tell your therapist everything."
Consider saying:
"Therapy is a place where you can talk about what's going on."
"Your therapist is there to help you understand your feelings and learn new skills."
"Everyone needs support sometimes."
"We're doing this because we care about you, not because you're in trouble."
These messages help position therapy as a resource rather than a punishment.
The Bigger Picture
Every child will make mistakes. That is part of growing up. Therapy works best when it becomes a place where children can safely explore those mistakes, learn from them, and develop healthier ways of coping and communicating.
When therapy is used as a punishment, children may learn to fear it.
When therapy is used as a partnership, children learn that asking for help is a strength.
As parents, one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the understanding that support is not something you earn by being perfect. Support is something available to you precisely because you are human.
The ABC's of Empathy for You & Your Children
Witnessing someone you love in pain is difficult. If the person in pain is our child, it can feel even more urgent to fix the pain, find a solution, and take care of whatever is going on for the person in pain, so that everyone feels better and things go back to “normal”.
Unfortunately that method of dealing with pain, doesn’t really fix anything. It sends the message to the person in pain that:
(1.) They are alone in what they are feeling and
(2.) They aren’t capable of handling the situation.
In fact, parents who are fixers often unintentionally, raise children who feel victimized and are at an increased risk of not understanding how their actions impact others and how others feel about experiences in general, in other words, empathy.
Empathy is the ability to feel another’s emotions, to really be able to put yourself in “their shoes” so to speak.
It certainly doesn’t solve anything, BUT it does validate the person in pain AND it does help them to feel understood and connected to others, which we need to feel a sense of belonging with others. When we belong among others we tend to think about how our behavior impacts those around us as well as ourselves, it improves conflict resolution, relationship satisfaction and even job satisfaction.
So how do we teach our kids empathy?
First we model it.
Yes, that’s the really hard part. We have to manage our own feelings when our children are in pain, struggling, so that we can meet them in their pain, understanding their perspective and validating their feelings. All of that can seem scary and out of control, but it works.
I can remember a time in my child’s life, an important day, and they were deeply disappointed by another family member forgetting and simply not showing up. My child was understandably devastated, and I was enraged. I wanted so badly to fix it, to smooth it over, to come up with a plan.
Instead, I sat on their bed and listened.
I said things like, “I see you’re hurt, and very sad, I’d feel that way too”. I also said things like “Everything you are saying makes sense.”
It was HAAAAAARRD.
My heart was breaking for them. However, after awhile my child started to say, “Ok, enough, I need to do something to enjoy the rest of my day.” I didn’t generate a solution, I didn’t swoop in to rescue, I just sat with them until they were ready to access their own resiliency and move through the pain. That was a time I modeled empathy well. There were also times, I didn’t, I assure you, but the point is, when we model empathy with our children, they understand their emotional landscape, feel safe with us as their parents, and feel more capable to handle the difficult things in their lives. That all sounds like what we want, right?
Along with modeling empathy, we can teach it by labeling emotions, asking our children what others involved in situations might be feeling, and when they are younger we can read books about empathy to them. All of these strategies help develop our children's skill in recognizing what they are feeling, understanding what others may be feeling and in predicting how their behavior impacts others, all of which helps them successfully navigate the world of relationships.
To help you we’ve put together a list of six books to read with your children or with the children that you love that beautifully illustrate empathy. We also have Integration Nation Episode 212: Empathy is a Magic Wand, as a resource to help you dive a little deeper into empathy skill building in your own life.
May we all hold our hearts and the hearts of others a little more kindly with a little more self awareness.
Meeting Yourself Where You Are: A Powerlifter's Story
Taking a deep breath, I was trying to prevent myself from crying. An immense pain was shooting through the inner part of my leg.
“I’m fine. You’re fine.” I kept repeating to myself in a futile attempt to calm myself down.
Something was wrong and I was not fine. I was in the middle of a training session for powerlifting and worked up to my top set. Once I attempted my top set- which should have moved fairly well- it didn’t even budge. Rather, a sharp pain began in my leg.
Little did I know this sharp pain was the beginning of a long journey.
Just a couple months out from my first powerlifting meet where I planned to qualify for nationals by receiving a specified total of weight lifted from squat, bench and deadlift, I was now considering dropping out. The pain in my leg turned out to be a significant strain of one of my adductors, causing it to be very difficult for me to squat and nearly impossible to deadlift. Now unable to do these two lifts that I was depending on to qualify for nationals, I was struggling to dial down my training and meet myself where I was.
I told myself that this pain was not really an injury and would go away in a few days after some extra foam rolling and hot yoga sessions.
Boy was I wrong.
Things only went downhill the more I denied things.
Finally, I decided to come to terms with the fact that I did, in fact, have an injury and I could not just make it go away by ignoring it.
I had to actually meet myself where I was at and take care of myself. That mindset ended up being a game changer.
Meeting myself where I was involved a carefully calculated integrative approach of mindfulness based self care, nutrition, aromatherapy and physical care.
I began with being mindful of my body and it’s needs. If I went to the gym to train one day and my leg was in pain, I would reduce how much I was doing for that workout. To the contrary, if I went to the gym and my leg felt a little better- a rare but phenomenal feeling- I took it and ran with it, figuratively speaking. On the good days I would push myself a little bit more, but not to the point where my leg would hurt. Simultaneously, I incorporated specific exercises into my training sessions to strengthen my adductors without further straining them.
Avoiding stretching, because it would worsen the strain, it became a consistent self discipline practice for me to foam roll every single day. Foam rolling helped to loosen my muscles and increase my range of motion. One day, I even got a deep tissue massage. Which, LET ME TELL YOU. That deep tissue massage worked wonders on not only my injured adductor, but my whole entire body.
Incorporated into my integrative care routine to heal my adductor was the utilization of essential oils. A few times a week I would take a hot bath with epsom salt, peppermint or deep blue, marjoram, rhoman chamomile and lavender oil. Lavender and marjoram oils would promote relaxation. Peppermint, deep blue and roman chamomile oils each have properties that aid in muscle recovery and the epsom salt aided my body in detoxification.
Yoga, also played a huge role in my journey of meeting myself where I was. Ironically, I had to stop practicing yoga, because of the strain it placed on my adductor, but the meditative, mindset and breathing aspects of yoga carried over for me. Being mindful of my body and listening to it, things I learned from yoga, intensely helped me with my lifting, and life in general, while being injured.
Being injured and also being cognizant of needing to take care of myself caused me to step up my nutrition. Already I ate very well- mostly whole foods that were unprocessed, but being injured I knew that I needed to fuel maximal recovery for optimal results. To be completely honest and transparent with you, I have quite the sweet tooth.
Especially when it comes to cookies.
During this time period I would allow myself to have a couple of gluten free cookies (I have a gluten sensitivity) every couple of weeks, but overall I steered clear of sugars. Primarily I ate veggies (LOTS of veggies), fruits, chicken, turkey burger and tuna. Maybe not the most appealing diet to some people, this micro and macro nutrient packed diet plan maximally fueled my training sessions while aiding recovery from workouts and my injury.
All in all, this was a situation that threatened my ability to even compete for a few months, but with a growth mindset and meeting myself where I was I ended up being able to compete and receive first place in both my weight class and age class for my powerlifting meet.
Taking the time to take care of yourself is always worth it. Even if you do not achieve certain ideals that you expected, you will learn so much more about yourself and develop a deeper connection with yourself and others.
Haley Mills
Instagram: @theliftingtater
Trusting the Momentum
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you’re noticing energy building in a direction that you haven’t anticipated, haven’t planned for, or even in a way that may scare you?
If this sounds familiar, then you may also relate to the notion of just not being able to shake off the building of momentum; it’ll pop up in unexpected moments, maybe you’ll notice related topics and ideas in media, articles, conversations.
Almost as if it has a life of its own, the shift will continue building energy around it, reaching a threshold point that invites us to lean in, to jump, to turn. Which, let’s be real, is a scary process to engage in.
We are in part wired for predictability, so leaning into the unanticipated with trust, whew, that’s rough.
What I’ve come to believe and understand is that actually trusting the momentum of my life in that way is strong evidence of being “in the flow” of intention. When I’m clear on intentions, that doesn’t mean I can predict the best pathway to the fulfillment of the intention. That’s where the trust comes in, and honestly, if I’m not present in the moment, I really decrease my chances of even noticing building momentum in a particular direction.
Around 18 months ago I began to think about changing my business model to a more integrative structure to model our integrative approach, I hired Haley 9 months later (best decision ever), started the podcast (such a steep learning curve and valuable tool for people to support their health) and by the beginning of 2019 I was ready to hire another integrative therapist. Shortly into 2019, some shifts within my family revealed another important affirming process was unfolding, and at the time I remember thinking, “this is fantastic and with planning, I’ll be able to be present and show up as a support beam throughout this process, for my child, whom I love dearly”.
June came, and then, through an acquaintance of mine connected to advocacy work I’m involved in, in part because of the diversity within my family, I “accidentally” actually “serendipitously” saw a listing for our dream farmette. A place that was large enough to accommodate part of my business dream and small enough to create a family sanctuary.
My first thought, “No way, can’t even look, don’t have the bandwidth at all for this right now!”
I couldn’t shake it, and well after a seamless flow of doors opening in bizarrely unexpected ways, we now own the farmette (stay tuned for exciting workshops there in 2020) and we closed on it a week before the culmination of our family transition process and 10 days before our new therapist comes on board.
NOT THE WAY I WOULD’VE PLANNED, AT ALL.
Yet, I’ve been able to navigate the concurrent demands of these three big things happening at once and I’m strangely grounded about it all. That’s the flow at work, so I’m gonna keep trusting the momentum and invite you to do the same.
Ask us about our upcoming Meditation 201 Workshop and online Food & Mood Support group to help you with your momentum and journey!
The Golden Ticket
Sometimes life throws us something we aren’t expecting- a loss, an injury.
Sometimes we invite a change into our lives with a move, new relationship, new goal or dream.
When we find ourselves in this position, sometimes there’s a pull toward comparison with other people. A tendency to compare our inside feelings with an outside appearance, especially when we feel out of control, insecure and overwhelmed. We may then begin to think that “we are missing something that others have”, “that we aren’t enough”, that we need the ‘golden ticket ‘ in order to feel at peace or at least marginally comfortable again.
Actually we have the golden ticket inside us already.
It’s the golden ticket of meeting ourselves where we are with self acceptance
Ok so what does that mean? And how do we do that when we are feeling so out of control and overwhelmed?
It means that we allow ourselves to be exactly who we are in this situation, without judgement and without demanding perfection. It means that we open up to the notion that there isn’t one right way to live a life, that the challenge is to authentically and wholeheartedly live the life we are experiencing.
How do we do that?
If only there was a one size fits all blueprint that I could share.
There isn’t.
What I can share are tools to guide you toward more self-acceptance, toward meeting yourself where you are with kindness and compassion:
Take a pause and notice what’s going on in your thoughts, your emotions and in your body. Notice, don’t attach. Be curious, not judgmental.
Acknowledge your inherent worth, within the circumstance you are experiencing. You have worth because you are here and you are you.
Let go of comparison with others, even if you have to let go in tiny pieces. LET IT GO. It is toxic and invalid. It serves to undermine your worth, progress and unique experience of your life.
Affirm your efforts, however uncomfortable it may feel. Affirming our efforts increases motivation and fuels a growth mindset.
Embrace the awkward. Whenever we are learning there is going to be an awkward stage. Lean in.
Self-empathy. Integration Nation Episode 212: Empathy- The Magic Wand can help you with this.
Self-acceptance is essential for us to develop authentic intimacy with ourselves and with other people. It releases us from the tyranny of comparison and supports us in the direction of our heart. Anything that does that merits the distinction as a golden ticket.
Take hold of your golden ticket as you meet yourself where you are at, lean in and grow.
As always. please leave any comments or questions you may have on meeting yourself where you are at in the comments or shoot us an e-mail.
3 Meditation Myths & Common Mistakes
Meditation is a science backed activity that relieves stress and, unfortunately, has some misinformation surrounding it. Today we are going to look at and debunk a few of these myths and misconceptions that gives meditation and meditation classes a bad rep.
Myth #1:
Meditation benefits take years to notice.
NOPE, research suggests people can begin to benefit from meditation in as little as 10 minutes a day. Measurable brain changes occur after 8 weeks of daily 20 minute meditation practices.
Myth #2:
Your mind has to be empty for it to work.
Once again, nope.
Meditation practices and experiences are as varied as types of candy that I love, so in other words, a lot.
Myth #3:
Meditation is B.S.
This is also false because, meditation has a robust science backing and many proven benefits to improve your health and overall life.
Now that we have debunked a few myths, what are 3 of the most common mistakes made when attempting meditation?
3 Most Common Meditation Mistakes
Giving up.
Giving up.
Giving up.
That’s right, really the only mistake you can make is to give up.
Meditation is a relationship that is dynamic and with practice can become a primary tool in your wellness bag.
So, don’t give up! Keep learning in your pursuit of a better and healthier you!
If you want to learn more about Meditation and all of it’s benefits (reduce anxiety and depression, reduce stress, improve work efficiency just to name a few) check out our upcoming Meditation for Beginners class at our office located in downtown Fredericksburg by clicking here!
Psychotherapy Myth #3: Therapy is a Magic Wand
Myth:
Therapy is a magic wand.
Truth:
Therapy is a process, a relationship and a conversation.
(Side note: conversation is my current favorite word).
Therapy develops and supports you in self awareness, self discovery, personal accountability and learning how to peacefully and more completely belong to yourself.
The conversation that is had in therapy, that process is dynamic.
Therapy explores you, your story, your supporting cast, your plot line.
It isn’t about a director telling you what to do and how to do it- and then presto chango, the work is instantly done.
Therapy is a conversation, a dance that reveals to you the unique beauty, magic and potential within you by examining the “themes” of your experiences and relationships.
Week after week, session after session, therapy opens you to yourself more completely which in turn opens up your life to new possibilities outside of the therapy sessions.
That’s important for several reasons.
If therapy was a magic wand, it would rob you of the best adventure of your life; getting intimately and LOVINGLY connected to you.
If therapy was a magic wand, you wouldn’t discover how capable, competent and confident you are when you are accountable, when you develop self acceptance, when you risk change.
That awareness and those experiences ARE the magic of the therapy process and conversation.
Doing the work to change your life, and allowing therapy to support you, rebels against instant perfectionism. Instead, it says, “Sit down for awhile so you can learn to love all of your imperfect self. Can I get you a cup of tea while you’re here?”
Contact us today at our downtown Fredericksburg, VA to begin your journey of self-discovery and begin therapy online or locally to have relationship and conversation.
Psychotherapy Myth #2: I Don't Need Therapy I Can Just Talk to My Friends
Good and trusted friends are, in heartfelt and pragmatic aspects, a really important support system for us throughout our lifespan.
Research is clear on the benefits of friends for our mental and physical wellness; it supports that those relationships improve our wellness throughout our lifespan.
However, what I am about to say is really important to deeply consider.
Therapy is different from talking to friends in very specific, important ways.
1. Therapy is a business relationship.
Heart centered and health focused, yes, but also a business relationship with the sole purpose of helping you heal.
2. Therapy helps you heal by utilizing science based theories and interventions within the context of the therapeutic relationship.
Wait… what, Alison?
Essentially, what I mean by this is that the conversation is guided by science to help you directly achieve your goals. I am continually centered on utilizing various skill sets I’ve developed as a licensed clinician social worker during each session with clients to target exactly what the client’s goals are.
3. Therapeutic disclosure focused on you.
Although I believe therapeutic self disclosure is super helpful in working with clients, any disclosure is for the sole purpose of helping the client; therapy is essentially a one sided relationship, focused on you. Isn’t that great?
Once again it seems like another both/and situation as opposed to an either/or… and yes, that is an upcoming Integration Nation podcast episode.
If you do have any questions or want to begin your counseling journey today, to rediscover that you are enough, check us out at our Fredericksburg office by giving us a call or sending an e-mail.
Psychotherapy Myth 1: Only "Crazy People" Go to Therapy
I absolutely cannot speak for other therapists or where they stand on these myths associated with psychotherapy.
This new blog series is about dispelling psychotherapy myths based on how I practice and based upon how I view psychotherapy as an integrative therapist.
Sooooooo….. here we go.
We’re diving deep right away, because there is no sense in wasting your time.
To be completely vulnerable with you, I got a little angry even typing out the phrase “crazy people”, it’s derogative and demeans the very legitimate struggles we ALL experience as human beings. Every person encounters a struggle or trial at some point in their lives, and it is okay, essential even, to seek out guidance from a counselor during the times we feel stuck.
In my downtown Fredericksburg practice, we come from the perspective that psychotherapy and counseling is a sacred space to find guidance and support in not only RESOLVING grief and trauma, but also INTEGRATING new aspects of self and gaining UNDERSTANDING and SELF AWARENESS about life transitions from a holistic lens.
As licensed clinicians and actual human beings, we deeply believe in the inherent worth and dignity of individuals. Stemming from that foundational belief, we also believe people are strong enough to acknowledge patterns of thinking and patterns of behavior that do not support who they are becoming and how they want to contribute in their unique lives.
AND we believe in empowering people.
Empowering people to learn how to support their health holistically is one of primary objectives as counselors. We see therapy as part of a good comprehensive health care, therefore we operate and advocate to break the stigma associated with mental health care.
I guess in short it boils down to, we love people.
We really love people, and we believe in the worth of people and and that all people can benefit from psychotherapy that respects the adaptive power which every single human being possesses.
Counseling works and you aren’t “crazy”.
Food & Mood: Is It Really That Simple?
Is it really that “simple”?
As a psychology undergrad I remember thinking, “mental health has to be more complex than sleeping, eating, relaxing, and moving.” Yes, while our mental health is more than those factors, I’ve come to believe these elements are absolutely foundational aspects of caring for our complex mind-body system.
This blog is all about eating.
I LOVE TO EAT, as I’m sure most of you do too.
What I love even more than eating is feeling energized, fueled, nourished and satisfied while also physically comfortable after I eat, which wasn’t the case for a LONG time. I thought for the longest time that I just had a “sensitive” stomach, that for whatever reason, I was prone to stomach upset, nausea, bloating, cramping.
Turns out I just wasn’t properly caring for my engine.
I’m a really visual person. Therefore, I often think about my mind-body like an engine. When we care for our engine with attention and awareness to sleep, diet, movement and play, we empower the engine to stay healthy and balanced. Which does have a HUGE impact on our mental health. Our engine is built to care for us and run reliably. We just have to fuel our engine to support it in caring for us. When we do that, we have the energy and focus to process, explore and restructure the other aspects of our situation and experiences that may affect our mental health and moods.
What exactly does food have to do with mood?
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” you might say, “I know I’m not supposed to eat chips, candy, fast food, and soda, I got it.” Well, good for you! I’m still an occasional eater of chips and a pretty regular eater of candy (chocolate especially). I’ll rarely pass an opportunity to eat chocolate cake! But there is much more to food and mood than eating junk food mindfully.
I’m specifically talking about the theory of bio individuality and why that matters in relation to the food we eat.
Bio individuality says that we aren’t a one size fits all, and that we need to bring curiosity and awareness to what our body needs and how it functions best.
This is because our mind-body LOVES us and wants to help us live a full, rewarding life. Our moods often provide us the data we need to begin to understand our unique engine and how to fuel it. This theory is something I’m passionate about, because I’ve seen the miracles applying it has produced in my life, and the lives of countless clients.
When I started applying the theory to my “sensitive” stomach, healing began, and frankly the healing snowballed pretty rapidly, in part I think because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, so I put a lot of energy into figuring out my engine accurately. If you are eating foods that aren’t necessarily on the “horrible and bad” junk food list and still feeling edgy, lethargic, foggy, moody, depressed, etc., then there is likely another food habit that is creating a negative physiological cascade in your system and that habit may display itself as a mood issue.
For example, functional hypoglycemia is a condition like that; one that can mirror depression and anxiety. Changing the foods a person eats and when a person eats can correct hypoglycemia, decreasing, if not eliminating the depression and anxiety symptoms.
An equally compelling reason to begin getting more curious about your engine is the ever increasing data describing our gut as our second brain. Our gut actually has neurotransmitters, just like our brains AND current thinking is that as much as 90% of serotonin (primary mood management neurotransmitter) is in our gut.
Wait, what?
Yes… 90%, so there is science behind why our relationship with food directly impacts our mood.
How can I find my way through all of the information and figure out the foods that might be affecting my mental health?
At this point, you may be thinking, “What the hell? This is overwhelming. I’m not sure I even want to think about it.”
I’ve been there! I had a health crisis about 10 years ago that forced me to pay attention and I felt the same way. I wish an integrative mental health practice had been available to help me figure out what I needed to eat and just how and when to eat it in a methodical, doable way.
It just didn’t exist, so I became that practitioner.
The internet can help anyone begin to understand bio individuality and how to begin to track mood symptoms. I love when clients get involved in their own mental health in this way. However, at some point consistent support really, really helps. An integrative mental health provider is someone who is going to look at all aspects of your life and experiences when assessing and treating any mood issues you are experiencing, a person’s relationship with food is a big piece of the puzzle,that an integrative provider can support you with. Alison Sullivan and Associates is here for you or happy to help you find a practitioner in your area.
From personal experience, it’s worth it.
What about that cake?
Back to the chocolate cake: there was a time when I loved eating it, but afterward I felt bloated, edgy, and slightly paranoid — which is no fun for anyone! Today, I still eat it, and LOVE it. I just make sure it’s gluten free, with high quality chocolate and no processed stuff. To me, it’s tastier that way. I get to enjoy it while I’m eating it and I no longer have to pay a physical, mental or emotional price.
If you want to improve and heal your relationship with food, check out my online Food Mood Reboot workshop that you can do from the comfort of your own home!
Are You Screening Your Own Calls?
Last week I was meeting with a client and we were discussing the concept of self-betrayal as it relates to security and confidence both in decision making and in relationships, when she suddenly said, “I need to stop screening my own calls, do I even trust myself to answer when I call?”
It was a profound therapeutic moment that reinforced a long-held belief of mine; that people have their own answers and sometimes just need a little guidance to reveal or remember their innate wisdom.
What does it mean to screen your own calls and how can that influence our relationship with ourselves and our lives?
To me it means, that in turning away from ourselves, our wants, our needs, our feelings- we are, over time telling ourselves in a fundamental way that we don’t matter, we aren’t important enough to attend to.
Let’s go back to the phone call metaphor; we all have moments when we need to decline a call because we are involved in an important task that needs most of our attention, like driving, a meal with family, showering, a business meeting and at those times it’s appropriate to delay answering the call, while still acknowledging that a call has come in. If we continually look at our phone screen and say, nope not answering, nope not answering again, then the avoidance leads to a pattern of self-neglect which gives the clear message of, this or you, aren’t worth my time.
Eventually, if we are ignoring our inner wisdom, our own voice, our calls for attention, reflection, effort, then we begin to mistrust our ability to care for ourselves because the evidence we have tells us we can’t be trusted. Over time that mistrust can erode our confidence in relationships, at work and in our personal endeavors. In that space of neglect, self-doubt creeps in and begins to make us question our worth, our abilities and our gut instincts.
When we instead, do the opposite and answer our calls, or even call ourselves back at the earliest opportunity, we are communicating that we matter to ourselves, that our voice, our yearnings, gut feelings, nagging thoughts are valuable and worth time and attention.
Similarly, to the momentum that the self-neglect builds, that attunement enables us to be more comfortable with the process of unfolding, it allows us to trust that we are there for ourselves even in the mess of uncertainty. That is a foundation of secure attachment to ourselves which gives us the confidence to risk, to try, to speak up, or to say no. All of which are vital to making sound decisions and building healthy relationships.
It’s time to answer the phone, it’s you calling and it’s important.
It's All About A Choice
We all have moments throughout our lives when we stop and reflect, how did I get here? How did I end up in this job? Where did this extra weight come from? Why am I in this marriage/relationship? or How did I get so lucky? How did I land this job, partner etc?
Sometimes, I believe, we think it’s happenstance, coincidental; like leaves blowing in the wind, we travel and land as the wind directs us. Although, we are continually making choices whether we are conscious of that or not and these choices, decisions and actions direct our course.
I’ve reflected on whether there are rhythms and patterns related to the choices, over the years as I work with people and I think it boils down to two decision patterns- when and where do we lean in and when and where do we turn away.
When and where do we lean in… what does that even mean?
To me it means what situations and experiences do we turn towards and say yes to. Where do we allow ourselves to feel our feelings and move more deeply into a person, a career, an experience, or even a dream, hope or wish.
It’s in those ordinary moments when we decide to tell someone how we feel or fill out the application or say yes to the date, the invitation, the opportunity, that we are deciding. We are deciding that we want something more than our concern about handling our feelings or managing the outcome of the experience. We lean into the potential of something and in so doing, set in motion a chain of events that changes a potential into an actual.
Conversely, where do we turn away?
When do we say no to ourselves? To an idea? To an opportunity? At these thresholds we are doing the same, we are charting our course by saying no, by avoiding, by denying, just as much as we do when we lean into. When we turn away, we are in effect saying I don’t want to feel this, look at this, join this, hope for this, risk this, try this or know this.
We are turning away to stay in place.
The illusion of the idea of standing still is that in turning away we are still setting in motion a chain of events that changes potential into an actual.
The next time you find yourself wondering why this happened, how you arrived here or thanked the luck of the stars or blessed the happy accident of good fortune, remember, our lives, our paths are not similar to leaves blowing in the wind. Instead, join with conscious decision making so that whether you are leaning in or turning away you claim the choice and in so doing claim the power of the potential.
The Symmetry of Intention & Affirmation
Last week, in yoga I set my class intention as “enough” and reflected on when and how I don’t feel like I’m enough.
I was using my recently purchased Liforme yoga mat which has alignment aids that help my practice and is also environmentally-friendly, which is a rare quality in mats. If you'd like to know more about "green" yoga mats, ConsumersAdvocate.org recently put together a study that tested mats on an “eco-friendliness” scale to help consumers lessen their environmental impact and choose the right mat for their practice. Definitely worth a read!
What are the triggers?
How do I mask the feelings of not enough?
That led me to the concept of worth…
Did I feel worthy and was that related to “enoughness” in my life.
What surfaced, was an affirmation; I am enough to give freely and worthy to receive abundantly.
Wow. Really?
I wondered if I believed that. It felt powerful, grounded even. The rest of my yoga class was infused with focused energy. Each time I said the affirmation, it seemed to flow more deeply through me, my breath carrying it to all the nooks and crannies of my body. Importantly, I knew that even if I didn’t fully believe the affirmation, the areas of unbelief would show up quickly. I’d be able reshape and restructure them so that I believed I was enough to give freely and worthy of receiving abundantly.
That’s the symmetry of intention and affirmation.
When we set an intention for ourselves, whether it’s a word, phrase or sentence, a path has been set. Affirmations are a vehicle to use along the path; the intention and affirmation work together clarifying and facilitating the achievement. It’s like the familiar situation of being hungry and not being sure of what you want to eat and how to get there. Without clarity about what you want (the intention) you can’t support yourself in getting it (the affirmation).
You’d drive all over town not sure what food you want or don’t want.
Do you want pizza? Maybe.
Mexican? I don’t know.
A sandwich? I guess, but not really.
How often do we do that in our lives. We know we want to go, do or explore something but we don’t take the time to get clear on the intention which impedes our ability to support ourselves along the way. Often carving out a few minutes when we feel a tugging in our heart or a repetitive thought in our mind begins the journey.
When we choose to explore the tug or the thought, it gives us insight into what we want and how we can set an intention, which then opens us up to the ability to create a unique affirmation to keep us on course, trusting the process of fulfillment.
Take time today and on a regular basis to reflect on those inner urges, nagging thoughts and often-repeating patterns of your life and allow that reflection to guide you toward an intention. You may be surprised, as I was in yoga, what type of affirmation develops to help hold and direct the intention. Then, enjoy the journey. My partner laughs whenever I say, “Let’s go get a salad, I have a hankering for some greens” but we get in the car knowing exactly where the best salads are, able to anticipate how good it’s going to taste and arrive where we want to go, every time.
P.S. You too, are enough to give freely and worth receiving abundantly.
What's This Trust Thing All About?
Welcome to a new year, a new start, an unfolding of what is yet to be known.
I love this time of year because it offers us a natural opportunity for reflection and intention. As we say goodbye to the previous year we can reflect on our successes, our challenges, the events and circumstances that maybe took us by surprise as well as our sorrows and losses. As we look ahead to the new year and what has yet to be known, we can consciously, mindfully shape our hopes, dreams, desires and goals.
For me this has been a year of transition, a year of expansion and a year that has also taught me a painful yet infinitely beneficial lesson in trust.
I’ve transitioned from an every day parent to a long distance guide and occasional host to a mountain of laundry.
I’ve expanded the offerings at our practice to include workshops and expanded my skill base in mindfulness and nutrition, for the benefit of our clients and subscribers.
I have also experienced a very painful, unexpected loss that reminded me about the foundation of trust, the importance of integrity and the value of friendship.
My current favorite definition of trust is by Charles Feltman. He defines it as choosing to make something important to you, vulnerable to the actions of someone else.
I am reminded this year that I cannot expect others to always honor their word, be honest and follow through on commitments which does in fact make me vulnerable if I include others in the areas of my life that really matter.
However, I can find strength within that vulnerability IF I have a consistent track record of caring for myself, following through on behalf of myself and being honest with myself even when I experience a betrayal of trust from another person.
Behaving from a place of integrity within myself allows me to feel the pain of betrayal without losing my sense of identity, my values, my trust or my view of the world as a basically good place. I can still rely on myself to care for myself while also receiving help and support from the people who inevitably surround me offering wisdom and understanding as I process the pain.
So does that mean we cannot ever trust other people to keep their word, or to do what they say they are going to?
I sure hope not, because I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t trust others. Building trust with other people takes time and discernment, which requires vigilant self honesty; not turning away from the proverbial red flags that are there to help guide us if we choose to see them.
If I’m really honest, that’s where I veered off course with this situation. It’s when we begin to deceive ourselves about another’s behavior or we make decisions from a place of fear that we, I believe, put ourselves at risk of unwisely trusting people who will inevitably betray us, not from a place of maliciousness but because they have not yet developed enough character, and integrity to follow through both for themselves as well as others.
Unexpected things happen in our lives all the time- people leave, circumstances change and we can continually choose to utilize these experiences as opportunities to fine tune our vision for ourselves and to fine tune the contribution we want to make to the world.
As this year unfolds, I look forward to continuing to serve our clients and our downtown Fredericksburg community with the highest degree of knowledge, professionalism and integrity I possess as a therapist and I intend to continue to learn for the benefit of myself, my clients, my friends, my family and for my favorite person. I hope to gain even more strength in vulnerability and I look forward to sharing it all with each of you.
I wish you a year of trust, strength in vulnerability and great adventure.
Repainting My Home- A Meditation on Transition
I recently repainted my living room, dining room, hallway and kitchen, in a weekend.
Yes, a weekend.
All at once, the eighteen months of agonizing questions such as, “what colors accent the odd flow of the space well?’, “do I really want to do another painting project?” “Is there any way I can justify spending the money to hire someone else to do it?” “When can I fit a project like this into my already busy life?” became clear and a free weekend appeared.
I knew what color scheme I wanted the upstairs of my home to be, became excited about the transformation and even enlisted a few friends to help me finish it.
Let me be clear, this all crystallized in 24hrs.
Once I began, something unexpected occurred…
As I was prepping the walls, taping and “cutting in” at the baseboards and crown molding, I noticed myself reflecting on my family’s time here in this home and on my role as a mom. At the same time I found my mind drifting into the future, watching the new color blending with the old eventually replacing it. It awakened the sometimes anxious, sometimes sad, sometimes joyful feelings I am experiencing in my current transition to an empty nest.
The project took on a meditative quality.
In the back and forth flow of reflection and resulting clarity that mirrored the flow of the paint roller my tension about the past and the unknown of the future eased. I relaxed into the process, into the unfolding of the moment.
Maybe it was the acceptance of the moment that allowed answers to the ever present questions of:
Was this enough? Was I enough?
And allowed the becoming of the unknown future to stay as yet unknown within the present moment.
As my painted edges revealed themselves imperfectly, yet also good enough, I remembered many instances of the same in my parenting; times when I showed up less than graceful, less than ideal, yet also probably good enough.
With each scuff mark I painted over or each accident inspired dent I smoothed with spackling; I recalled the laughter and the noise of my kids and their friends.
In accepting as well as honoring the perfectly imperfect time capsule this home has provided for us all, I also accepted myself a little more completely, a little more deeply. By holding my successes and shining parenting moments with the same love and compassion as my own scuffed parenting responses, my own accidentally dented approaches to loving and guiding my children, I realized it was all ok, I became able to more eagerly lean into the unknown future of this home and my own identity development during this new transition.
I can open more easily and trustingly to what is, what is becoming and what will be.
Right now, I know that I have an upstairs with fresh, beautifully coordinated paint, rearranged furniture and a future that is likely as imperfectly perfect as my past in this home, to look forward to.
As we approach the transition to a new season, recognizing and joining with other transitions in our lives; maybe we all can approach ourselves with a little more kindness and compassion, honoring each imperfect part of the journey.
To Thine Own Self Be True, Even In Sweaty Conversations
I read somewhere recently that behind most anxiety is a sweaty 10 minute conversation that no one wants to have. That seems wise to me because those sweaty conversations are difficult for most of us.
They force us to confront beliefs we have about ourselves and others.
They urge us into the unknown by propelling us toward doorways and into unknown rooms that inevitably change what we know to be true and real in this moment.
So why do it?
Why risk all that change?
Why confront all that fear?
Self love.
Self love and the pure unselfish desire to continue becoming, and to continue connecting. That is reason enough to begin to step into those sweaty conversations, those places of unknown because it is in the act of supporting ourselves, our desires and our hopes that we build trust, both within ourselves and in our families, communities and the world at large.
Each of these sweaty moments affirms I matter, my hopes matter, my dreams, ideas, intentions matter and I honor myself and you as well as the relationship between us by giving voice to them, here in this moment.
Sometimes all it takes is a change in perspective about what we are doing to help us lean into a moment, an opportunity to give voice to our truth.
Maybe in simply changing our narrative from “if I say this then I risk losing” to “when I say this I am honoring” then we can wipe the sweat from our brows and step into the doorway of the unknown which connects us ever more deeply to ourselves and each other in truth, honor and respect.