Therapy Is Not Punitive
Therapy Is Not a Punishment: Why Parents Should Avoid Using Therapy as a Consequence
As therapists, we often hear children say things like, "My mom told me to tell you what I did," or "I'm here because I got in trouble." While these statements may seem harmless, they can reveal a misunderstanding about the purpose of therapy that can unintentionally undermine the therapeutic process.
Parents naturally want to address challenging behaviors, improve communication, and help their children make better choices. Therapy can absolutely support those goals. However, when therapy is framed as a punishment or a place where adults report a child's misbehavior, it can create barriers that make meaningful growth much more difficult.
Therapy Is a Relationship, Not a Consequence
When a child is sent to therapy because they broke a rule, acted out, or made a poor decision, they may begin to view the therapist as an extension of discipline rather than a source of support.
Children need to experience therapy as a safe place where they can explore their thoughts, emotions, fears, and mistakes without feeling judged. If therapy becomes associated with punishment, the child may enter sessions feeling defensive, guarded, or resistant.
Imagine if every time you made a mistake at work, someone required you to attend therapy as a consequence. Most adults would approach those sessions with skepticism rather than openness. Children are no different.
Therapy Is Not a Courtroom
Many parents understandably want therapists to know what happened at home or school. Sharing relevant information is important and often necessary. However, there is a difference between providing context and using therapy as a venue to prosecute a case.
Children quickly recognize when a session becomes an opportunity for adults to list their failures, mistakes, or poor choices. When this happens, therapy can feel less like a supportive environment and more like a courtroom where evidence is being presented against them.
Children Need a Place Where They Are More Than Their Behavior
Behavior is information. It tells us that something is happening beneath the surface.
An angry child may be scared.
A defiant child may feel powerless.
A disrespectful child may be carrying hurt, embarrassment, or frustration.
When therapy focuses exclusively on correcting behavior, we miss the opportunity to understand what is driving it.
The goal is not to excuse inappropriate actions. Accountability and responsibility remain important. Rather, therapy seeks to understand the underlying emotions, experiences, and patterns that contribute to those actions.
Children are more likely to change when they feel understood than when they feel condemned.
Trust Is the Foundation of Effective Therapy
Research consistently shows that the quality of the therapeutic relationship is one of the strongest predictors of positive outcomes.
For therapy to work, children must believe that the therapist is someone who is genuinely interested in understanding them. If they perceive the therapist as another adult whose job is to monitor, report, or punish them, trust becomes much harder to establish.
This does not mean therapists keep secrets from parents or ignore safety concerns. It means the therapist's primary role is to help the child understand themselves, develop coping skills, and strengthen their ability to navigate life's challenges.
What Parents Can Say Instead
Rather than saying:
"You're going to therapy because of your behavior."
"Wait until you tell your therapist what you did."
"I'm going to tell your therapist everything."
Consider saying:
"Therapy is a place where you can talk about what's going on."
"Your therapist is there to help you understand your feelings and learn new skills."
"Everyone needs support sometimes."
"We're doing this because we care about you, not because you're in trouble."
These messages help position therapy as a resource rather than a punishment.
The Bigger Picture
Every child will make mistakes. That is part of growing up. Therapy works best when it becomes a place where children can safely explore those mistakes, learn from them, and develop healthier ways of coping and communicating.
When therapy is used as a punishment, children may learn to fear it.
When therapy is used as a partnership, children learn that asking for help is a strength.
As parents, one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the understanding that support is not something you earn by being perfect. Support is something available to you precisely because you are human.
The Quiet Power of Platonic Love
The Quiet Power of Platonic Love
When we think about love, our culture tends to place romantic partnership at the top of the hierarchy. We celebrate engagements, weddings, anniversaries, and grand romantic gestures. Yet some of the most meaningful, sustaining, and transformative relationships in our lives are often our friendships.
Platonic love deserves more recognition than it gets.
Friendships hold a unique kind of intimacy. They are often built over years, sometimes decades, of shared experiences, inside jokes, life transitions, heartbreaks, reinventions, and celebrations. They witness who we have been and who we are becoming. Good friends remember our stories, reflect our strengths back to us when we've forgotten them, and sit beside us during seasons that feel too heavy to carry alone.
There is something deeply healing about being known by peers.
Unlike family relationships, which we inherit, or romantic relationships, which often carry expectations around partnership, finances, parenting, and daily logistics, friendships are chosen. We continue showing up because we want to, not because we have to. That choice creates a particular kind of freedom.
In many friendships, our lives are not completely intertwined. We don't share mortgages, parenting responsibilities, household management, or major financial decisions. While these shared responsibilities can create deep bonds within romantic partnerships, they can also introduce stress, conflict, and competing needs.
Friendships often operate differently.
Because our lives are less entangled, there is frequently more room for acceptance. A friend can disagree with our choices without those choices directly impacting their daily life. They can support our growth without needing us to grow in a specific direction that benefits them. They can celebrate our dreams without those dreams requiring sacrifice from them.
This distance isn't a weakness of friendship. It is often one of its greatest strengths.
Friends can sometimes offer a wider lens, more curiosity, and less agenda. They can hold space for complexity. They can remind us who we are when we have become lost in the demands of work, parenting, caregiving, or partnership.
Friendships also create opportunities for something we all need but rarely talk about: shared dreaming.
Some of my favorite conversations with friends have very little to do with solving problems. They are conversations about possibilities. What do we want next? What are we creating? What lights us up? What kind of life are we trying to build?
Friends often become witnesses to our becoming.
They encourage the business idea. They read the first draft. They listen to the wild dream. They remind us of our courage when fear starts getting loud.
And then there is the simple gift of fun.
As adults, many of us become so focused on responsibilities that play quietly disappears. Friendships invite us back into laughter, spontaneity, creativity, and joy. They remind us that life is not only about productivity and caretaking. It is also about connection.
For many people, especially those who have experienced trauma, friendship can be an important place to practice healthy intimacy. Healthy friendships teach us that closeness does not require self-abandonment. They allow us to experience mutual care, reciprocity, honesty, and support while remaining fully ourselves.
Perhaps this is why friendships can feel so nourishing. They offer love without ownership. Connection without obligation. Support without control.
Platonic love may not receive the same cultural attention as romantic love, but it is no less significant.
The friends who answer the phone, send the text, celebrate the win, sit with the grief, remember the dream, and stay present across the years are participating in one of the most beautiful forms of love available to us.
If you're fortunate enough to have those people in your life, tell them.
Friendship is not a consolation prize for romantic love.
It is a profound and valuable form of love all its own.
The Case for Stillness
Go, go, go. Do, do, do. Get, get, get.
That’s the energy most of us are conditioned in from birth.
Worth becomes productivity, and productivity becomes the measure of your value. If you do more, you are more. And if you aren’t striving… well, what are you even doing? Rest is something you earn, and only after you’ve done “all the work,” whatever that means.
This mindset was especially prevalent in my generation (Gen X) and remains a cornerstone of Western culture. At the same time, I’m beginning to notice small signs of a cultural shift, an increasing awareness of the cost of chronic hustle. The quiet but important questions: For what? For who? Who is actually benefiting from all this grinding and striving?
One of the many problems with this framework is that it’s deeply reductive, profoundly disembodied, and fundamentally misaligned with our wholeness. Over time, it leads to burnout, depression, and habits that numb us to the very disconnection we’re trying to outrun.
And perhaps most strikingly, this approach rarely delivers on what it promises.
Our mind–body systems are designed to move in rhythms and cycles. Sometimes that rhythm calls for effort, productivity, and forward motion. And sometimes it calls for slowing down, resting, reflecting—simply being. When we habitually override rest and slowness, we dysregulate our entire system. We lose access to meaning-making, emotional depth, and our capacity for connection, joy, wonder, and love.
This is where the magic of stillness lives.
Stillness asks nothing of you. There’s no striving, no destination, no achievement. There is only being here, now, noticing what is. That can feel deeply uncomfortable, threatening; especially if staying busy has been how you’ve survived.
The initial discomfort of stillness understandably sends many people rushing back into action.
But when stillness is practiced consistently, something shifts. Over time, your system recognizes it as a natural state. Relief emerges. You begin to feel into the fuller dimensions of who you are; separate from what you produce or accomplish. This is how we start to reclaim wholeness.
Winter, as a natural cycle, is an incredible teacher in developing a relationship with stillness. Winter embodies being rather than performing. It models quiet deepening, and restoration—not expansion, acceleration, or bloom. And perhaps most powerfully, winter reminds us how essential this rhythm is for growth itself.
Rest and reflection, when held in harmony with action and productivity, is the cycle that fuels inspiration, motivation, and meaningful engagement with the world.
So how do you begin a relationship with stillness?
Start by making peace with the fact that it will likely feel uncomfortable and maybe even pointless, at first. If you can stay with that discomfort and allow it to move through you (and it will), you’ll begin to sense the steady calm beneath all the noise.
Practically speaking, carve out 10–15 minutes a day to do nothing. (You already spend more time than that scrolling, so this isn’t about time.)
You might:
Sit and look out a window, just being.
Lie on the floor and follow the rhythm of your breath.
Stand outside and simply notice what it feels like to be in your body and with your surroundings.
Daily connection with stillness helps you recognize the cues your body is always offering. You begin to notice when you need rest, when you need a pause, and—just as importantly—when you feel genuinely ready to take action.
And yes, I hear you. The demands of life are real. Being overwhelmed and under-resourced is real.
And also, there are ways to honor your inner rhythm within the chaos of your current situation, even if it’s only 5 minutes.
It may not be perfect. It may not be ideal.
But it can be enough to reconnect you with more of who you truly are.
Year End Reflections - Emotional Agility Is The Move
So often we decide, “If I get it right, if I make the right choices, then I can lock in and ride out a good life”. If you sit back to reflect on that notion, there are so many issues with it…
First off, what does get it right mean?
Who determines what right choices are, and how are those right choices measured?
Is it determined by how comfortable we are?
Then there’s the issue with locking in and riding out; those states of being that don't really even exist. Life changes, we change, unexpected events happen, so there's no viable pathway to lock anything in.
And then finally, a good life, what the heck is that?
What your parents told you was a good life?
What the culture, your friends, the media told you was a good life?
And how is that even determined?
It’s understandable that we do this, our brains want certainty, thinking that translates to security. Who doesn’t want security? Security in your life is absolutely possible, but not by creating some external picture that you then try to control. Security develops on the inside, it’s a deep rootedness in knowing that however life twists and turns, whatever unexpected experiences or hoped for outcomes occur or don’t come to pass, you can trust in your ability to take care of yourself, your heart and to live into your values. That type of grounded relationship to your life and yourself is the cornerstone of security.
How do you begin to build that internal sense of security?
Two words, emotional agility.
This concept was developed by Dr. Susan David, a leading expert on emotional intelligence. She defines emotional agility as “The ability to navigate one’s emotions with flexibility, without ignoring them or letting them control you”. It is a practice of using your emotions as information to help guide you. When you develop skill in emotional agility you become able to adapt, to be curious, to be open to change; all skills that over time support you in living a life RICH and MEANINGFUL to YOU. You become less reactive, less rigid, less braced for the inevitable shoe to drop.
At year's end, I usually reflect on what I noticed, what I learned, what I unlearned, and how that matters to me and to the people around me both at work and at home. This year, I’ve witnessed myself make several decisions based on emotional agility both in my business and personal life. I moved offices and entered into a new type of business collaboration, I hired more clinicians, I began remodeling my outbuilding to move the practice to, I’ve expanded the services I offer to include retreats and held several of these groups at my home.
Each of these choices were connected to emotional agility. Most of them were never in “the plan”. I changed course because circumstances changed, and although several of these decisions were a bit scary, I am finding security inside myself, rather than trying to control the outcomes of these decisions. I’ve witnessed countless clients connect with deep meaning, deep joy and deep forgiveness through the practice of emotional agility. I’ve felt the freedom of the practice and I’ve watched others connect to freedom by letting go of what they were supposed to do and instead learned how to choose themselves through their values in whatever situation they found themselves in.
Emotional agility releases you from the nagging fear and anxiety centered in things needing to be a certain way, instead inviting you to explore what is happening, using curiosity to guide you through the situation. I don’t think we ever arrive at PERFECT emotional agility, nor do I think that’s the point. Developing this practice will, however, bring much more internal peace and security without resorting to avoidance, numbing, blame or control to gain what I like to call faux peace. It will bring excitement into your experience and it will reconnect you with mystery and possibility, all of which enriches your experience of this one beautiful life you are living and we are living alongside each other.
If you want to learn more about emotional agility, check out Dr. David’s book, titled unsurprisingly… Emotional Agility.
And if you are looking for a practical way to build a relationship with yourself and your life consider our month long Introduction to Journaling, an online experience that will support you in exploring several different approaches to journaling and guide you through exploring those approaches. We’ll also meet on zoom each week to process your experiences with the material. We start January 1, I sure hope to see you there.
Thank you for spending your valuable time reading these blogs I write and engaging with our social media, workshops and courses. I love my work and I hope it brings a little more clarity, support and hope to anyone who connects with it. I wish each of you a year that surprises you, delights you and opens you to the awareness that you are held in love exactly as you are.
This Is What I Discovered About Love This Year
We often talk about aspects of love when we say things like, “Love is kind, they did that for me because they love me, or even, if they loved me they wouldn’t… or shoudn’t… do something.” We talk about love in terms of patience, generosity, support, commitment, quality time, and understanding as much as we label behaviors and traits that we believe aren’t loving. Things like selfishness, dismissiveness, abrasiveness are commonly labeled as such.
This is what I discovered about love this year:
Love is so much more than any one aspect of it and so much more than the sum of all its parts.
It’s the life force that makes everything possible. And while those traits I mentioned are aspects of love, they aren’t synonyms for love. Love is ALL of these qualities and MORE, also existing in choices and decisions often perceived as unloving.
Every year on my birthday I pick a word to center on throughout the year, last year it was love. I spent the year noticing love, reflecting on love, getting curious about my own relationship with love and examining the impact of love in my life as well as the impact of love on others.
When I noticed loving behavior like courtesy, kindness, attentiveness, comfort, even acts involving uncomfortable honesty and fierce boundary setting, either demonstrated by me or others, I watched the impact. I noticed what happened inside me when I practiced those qualities or was on the receiving end of actions that seemed to be motivated by those traits.
The gentler expressions of love as you might imagine, left me with a felt sense of feeling seen, and valued. Acting in those ways toward others seemed to produce an inner calm, a quiet resonance. When those expressions were more fierce, more uncomfortable, I still witnessed and felt that quiet resonance underneath the discomfort.
As I continued to reflect on what I was noticing it seemed to me that those instances of loving action connected people to a knowing about love, almost like breadcrumbs along a path. Reminders of the power of love whether gentle or fierce.
But when I reflected on love as an energy that contained all of those qualities and more and looked at the impact on my life, I became acutely aware that when people showed up embodying love, not just expressing it, at various times in my life, it transformed me. It either changed the direction of my life, expanded my life exponentially or helped me discover myself on levels I know I wouldn’t have gone to, were it not for love inspiring me.
I discovered the practice of love is alchemical.
It made me think about a philosophical principle I read decades ago and wrestled with over many years before getting it, “what is TRULY loving for one in a situation is TRULY loving for all in that situation”.
When I first encountered that principle, it seemed ridiculously privileged. I kept turning it over and over in my mind, continuing to come back to the word TRULY… I began to believe that word is the most important in this principle.
We can say all kinds of things are loving, they may even be a part of love, or we may have rationalized that they are, but that doesn’t mean those actions are TRULY loving. I think the alchemical aspect of TRULY loving is an energy that comes from a deep knowing that no matter how uncomfortable I am in this situation I will live into my values as deeply as I can for myself and for the others involved.
When we do that we are often asked to stretch in uncomfortable ways. Sometimes we’re asked to inconvenience ourselves repeatedly, sometimes it asks us to say hard truths and make hard choices. Sometimes it means not saying what we really want to say or even saying something that we are uncomfortable saying, letting all the pieces of the puzzle go where they may. That’s when the alchemy happens, that's when you truly see love as a force that can’t help but transform, regardless of our opinions about the transformation.
Discovering that this year and understanding more deeply the impact of love as the most powerful force there is, has opened me to release more, to trust more, and to notice more, especially when I want to turn away. What a gift.
This year, I'll uphold this new tradition, eager to see how these insights into love shape my outlook and deepen my grasp of my chosen word for the year: connection.
Scrolling, The Near Enemy of Connection
In Buddhism there is the concept of near and far enemies related to what are considered the immeasurable qualities of a wise, open heart. These four immeasurable qualities are:
loving kindness
compassion
appreciative joy
and equanimity
As you might assume far enemies are the opposites of these qualities, cruelty is the far enemy of compassion and ill will is the far enemy of loving kindness. Near enemies however, are more nuanced, more challenging to recognize. They share some similarities with the quality but also key differences. So you can easily think you are possessing the quality, when in fact you are actually working against yourself in developing that specific quality.
For example, the near enemy of compassion is pity. Pity and compassion definitely include an acknowledgement of suffering and is often expressed in verbally similar ways with statements like "I'm really sorry that is happening to you.” The key difference is that in compassion there is no separateness, there is a recognition that we all suffer and we can find ourselves within the other’s suffering.
Pity is underpinned with separateness, and a sort of hierarchy that contains the idea that it may be happening to them but it couldn’t happen to me because _________.
Oftentimes people can confuse pity as compassion, when it is in fact an obstacle to true compassion which acknowledges suffering with empathy, a connection to the suffering and a desire to relieve it from a place of shared humanity. Pity, inferring separateness actually prevents the expression of compassion.
Although a profoundly useful lens in and of itself to apply to any self reflection practice, I started thinking about it in terms of our relationship with devices, the internet and social media…
Clearly, we can make a case that our relationship with it works against equanimity, a calmness of being, because it involves the near enemy of craving and aversion. We are often either craving it as a distraction or trying to avoid it because it is a distraction. I started thinking about it in terms of acting as a near enemy to well rounded living, to being, to connection.
How does it do that?
If I think about trends in my own algorithm, some frequent themes are funny dog videos, art, flower growing, yoga/meditation and psychology/philosophy centered content.
Umm, that seems pretty aligned with many of my professional and personal interests... So how is an aligned algorithm a potential near enemy to my actual relationship with these interests in my life?
If I’m watching tons of flower growing and arranging videos, my brain gets tricked into thinking I’m engaging in those activities, and although I may be learning, I’m not fully experiencing a relationship with the interest and that is the key difference. I can’t think of a single time when I’ve finished scrolling and felt satisfaction, contentment or fulfillment; I have often felt like I’ve eaten too much junk food.
When I am outside digging, planting, fertilizing or at the store buying varieties of seeds, I’m engaging with the whole experience AND the felt sense of the experience, the overwhelm, when I’m trying something new, the uncertainty when I’m making decisions, the excitement connected to both the process and the outcome and these are the dimensions of experience that our entire mind body system needs to feel alive and embodied.
Those full experiences are what allows us to derive meaning from the relationship to the interest, widening our world, deepening our understanding of ourselves and the world around us in a way that scrolling through videos can’t; because there's no application, no true connection.
Does that mean I can’t ever scroll? No, that would be aversion, another near enemy.
It means that the more I support myself in applying what I watch in connection to the experience or the hobby the more I’m in balance with both with my devices and in the practice of equanimity. I’m not craving or avoiding digital content, I’m mindfully engaging with it but investing most of my energy into the application and practice of those interests in my life.
I believe that using this lens to reflect on your relationship with digital content will also decrease the often accompanying self criticism about the overuse of your devices. Instead it can help you understand more about your interests, about what you may need more of in your life and a place to start engaging with those needs and experiences in your day to day life. Will that feel more uncomfortable and less pleasurable at first? Absolutely. Over time however, you will begin to notice that maybe you’re thinking about the interest more, maybe even looking forward to more engagement with it. That’s when you’ll feel it, the satisfaction and fulfillment of whole connection.
Non Attachment Saved Me
For most of my life, I’ve intellectually understood and accepted non attachment as a useful mindset. But to be real… I’ve kept that practice at arm’s length pretty consistently, until almost three years ago.
In 2013, my life started smoothing out. I was in a rhythm with parenting, with my business, and with caring for my health. The challenges and hurdles seemed to be mostly in my rearview mirror, which I was so grateful for.
It also seemed like the universe was finally saying to my dearest friend, and me, that it was our time. We met in 1995 and quickly became deep, close friends. It felt almost instant; we talked every day, we supported each other's dreams, comforted each other's fears, adventured together, and laughed constantly. There was deep love, but the timing was never right for anything more… until it was.
When that spark ignited in 2013 I felt like our lives and the universe had conspired to give us this gift, this happily ever after. We built that new dimension of love slowly, steadily, with intention and gratitude. We created what both of us always wanted, a relationship that was a sanctuary. We were in the flow, absolutely delighted and very attached to our story, to our marriage and to the family we blended. It felt like I had turned the corner from learning through pain to learning through love and peace. Everything finally fit, and together we were creating our dreams in the present and our plans and dreams for the future.
We knew each other through and through. We’d witnessed so many of each other's life chapters that the security, the certainty felt unshakable. I knew him as a whole human, I witnessed his shadow and he witnessed mine. I wasn’t naive about the challenges we would face, I was fairly certain there might be several, and that’s what added to my security, it seemed realistically real.
And it was real, until it wasn’t. Until the one thing I would have bet my life wouldn’t happen, happened. It fractured our marriage instantly and completely. I was in total shock. My mind couldn’t make sense of what was happening. We’d done everything right. We built our relationship with honesty and intention. I couldn’t reconcile that lived experience with what I had discovered. We were supposed to be each other’s happily ever after. Overnight, almost everything I knew about my life outside of my work, was gone.
That’s when I began to live into the power of non attachment. If I clung to the story of the life I had, and the identity wrapped up in that life, I knew I wouldn’t emotionally survive it, it truly felt like non attachment was the only lifeline I had to hold on to to rebuild myself.
I had to live into flow, not just talk about it, I had to release the certainty and security of the structure of my life and allow so much of it to fall away.
I had to let go of the story that our love and our marriage was the calm after so many storms.
I kept thinking about how I felt like the winter trees I often talk about in my work, their essence is laid bare, and I tried to center myself in the beauty of that essence, the rawness and vulnerability of it.
I let non attachment begin to work its magic. I didn’t have to know who I was becoming or where I was going, just like the trees, I could just be in the day I was in. I could let what showed up in the present be enough. I could notice what remained. And in that raw vulnerability I started growing new roots, a few new branches and some tiny leaves. I started finding a rhythm in my life on my own. I was gaining confidence in my ability to accept my life on life's terms in this new chapter.
And then about 18 months into that process, he died.
I felt like I was right back at square one. The grief leveled me emotionally. It felt like I had just gotten my sea legs, and suddenly I was back underwater, clinging to denial, I felt like I couldn’t bear accepting that he was gone.
He was still woven into every part of me. I hadn’t even finished making sense of what fractured us and I had to somehow make sense of the fact that he was gone.
I would not ever hear his booming voice again or his infectious laugh. I wouldn’t ever feel the sturdiness of his energy, or the warmth of his hand.
Because even though our life together had fractured, I still felt connected to his physical presence. Life invited me to release more.
Non attachment offered me a path to release the certainty and comfort his physical existence still offered me. Again, more deeply this time; I had to release the attachments to him, to our story and to the whys, if I wanted to get through the grief.
Non attachment allowed the waves of grief to knock me down.
Non attachment allowed me to release the fear of the grief, and instead let it transform me, into someone new, someone I’m just starting to get to know.
Non attachment opened me so I could really lean into the gift of the love that my grief honored.
Non attachment soothed my fears about what the future would look like by connecting me to the beauty of what was present in my life now so I could experience the freedom of trusting myself.
Non attachment taught me how to let go of the whys and lean into what is.
And non attachment gave me permission to throw away the rule book I was still secretly attached to and instead create a living breathing work of art through living my life with my eyes and heart open. Open to hold, to discover and to release, not attach to.
I’m starting to realize and believe that just as deeply as our love, marriage and life together healed me and held me; the loss of our life together and of him, is also healing me and holding me. It just looks and feels different now.
Coming Soon…
Connection through Creativity 🌿
A 6-week journey to reconnect with your creative flow, ease anxiety, and find clarity in what truly matters to you. Through guided art, writing, and mixed-media practices, you’ll explore self-expression, build confidence, and set intentions for the life you want to create.
No artistic experience needed, just bring your curiosity and an open heart.
Stay tuned for dates + details!
Maiden, Mother, Crone ✨
A workshop for women centered on integrating these archetypal influences into your life to deepen your understanding of yourself and your power
Everyone Is Creative: Reclaiming the Joy of Playful Expression
At some point, many of us begin to believe a quiet but persistent myth: I’m just not a creative person.
Maybe it came from a childhood comment, a comparison to someone else, or the belief that creativity must look a certain way—paintings in a gallery, a novel on a shelf, a flawless performance. But the truth is, creativity is not a talent reserved for the few. It’s a relationship we each hold—with curiosity, with play, with the deeper parts of ourselves.
Creativity Is Playful Connection
At its heart, creativity is a form of play. It asks us to wonder, to explore, to follow a thread without knowing where it leads. It’s not about being “good” at something. It’s about staying open.
Psychiatrist and author Dan Siegel speaks about the “plane of possibility”—a spacious state of mind where we can imagine, discover, and expand beyond our habitual patterns. Creativity is one of the most direct portals to this place. When we draw, write, move, or make music without judgment or agenda, we step into that plane of openness. And from there, healing becomes possible.
No Outcome Required
One of the most powerful shifts we can make is redefining success.
Creativity doesn’t need to produce a result to be worthwhile. The act of creating is the value. Whether it’s doodling in a journal, dancing in your living room, or writing a messy poem no one else will read, creativity reconnects us with the process of doing rather than proving.
This is where many women rediscover a part of themselves that’s been waiting quietly in the wings—permission to play, to feel, to express without needing it to “go somewhere.”
The Benefits of Cultivating Creativity
Rebuilding a relationship with your creative self can be transformative. It's not just about fun (though fun is wonderful!). It also offers:
Stress relief – creative activities soothe the nervous system and offer a sense of rhythm and presence.
Emotional processing – art and movement can express what words cannot, giving form to feelings that feel too big or too complex.
Energy and vitality – engaging with your imagination can re-energize your body and mind.
Integration of self – creativity helps bridge inner parts that may feel disconnected or unseen.
Exploration – it becomes a sacred practice of curiosity, inviting you to meet new aspects of yourself.
How to Begin Reconnecting with Your Creativity
There’s no one right way. Start where there’s a spark—or even a flicker. Some simple ways to begin:
Movement – gentle stretching, free dance, or walking while letting your thoughts wander
Writing – try stream-of-consciousness journaling, a short story, or even writing a letter to your younger self
Music or performance – hum, sing, act out a scene, or revisit an instrument you once loved
Visual art – doodle in your journal, paint on canvas, play with color and shape with no plan in mind
Give yourself permission to be imperfect. To begin. To play.
Creativity isn’t something you have to earn. It’s something you already hold within.
It’s your birthright. A gentle power that helps you feel, imagine, and come home to yourself.
And it’s never too late to begin again.
14 Lessons from 14 Years: Insights from a Therapist in Private Practice
Knowing that I don’t know more than I know, is what keeps me open, curious and flexible.
This is based on an attitude of mindfulness called beginner’s mind. As soon as I decide that I know, I stop being truly open. When I’m not open, I’m not present. When I’m not present, I can’t really even see the person or people I’m with. That’s true in my work and in my personal life. If I stay centered in not knowing, there is an energy of discovery that inspires me to be more curious and helps me to be more present. In that energy, the people around me feel seen and I feel like I’m a part of something much bigger than my ego or the facts my mind says matter so much.
Owning a small business has taught me how to hold space for both the freedom of autonomy and the, at times, overwhelming pressure, which taught me that:
Creativity flourishes in an atmosphere of freedom, focus and consistency
These two beliefs highlight how freedom continues to be the perennial muse for me. In the pursuit of professional freedom, I’ve had to learn to deal with the pressures of being a business owner AND being the service/product I offer. Even on the days or seasons that it seems too risky, it remains totally worth it because for me, facing those pressures creatively is what deepens my sense of personal freedom.
Good therapy is grounded in science, really good therapy is a blend of art and science.
I’ve come to believe this wholeheartedly. I’ve witnessed countless times where the reigniting of hope, of faith, of trust comes from following a hunch based on a picture I see in my head, or a word I can’t shake during a session. That’s the art; it’s surrendering to the dynamic process of psychotherapy, trusting that the science is the paint and the painting is co-created from the openhearted connection between the therapist and the client.
You can only meet others to the depth you have met yourself (this is a hill I will die on).
I’ve come to believe this in my core. Clients can feel the energy of the therapist, they can feel if I’m genuinely ok going where they need to go. Being able to walk alongside them wherever they need to go, is often what is so reparative for them. You can’t fake it. It will erode the trust in a nanosecond. I think this is true in personal relationships too. When I stay centered in this construct, I don’t create unrealistic expectations of others, which actually helps me to see and appreciate people as they are (this is very much a progress not perfection thing for me).
This work restores my faith in the human spirit and at the same time, challenges me to not lose faith in humanity.
I’m moved to tears on a weekly basis, sometimes daily basis, by the courage and tenacity of the human heart. I’ve witnessed hundreds of people transform and recover from horrific atrocities to build meaningful, joy filled, lives. It’s truly the most humbling thing I’ve witnessed. At the same time, it’s hard to reconcile this with the depravity of the crimes my clients suffer, the systems that oppress them, and the seemingly unrelenting violence against vulnerability and innocence. I believe, at least I do right now, that inhabiting the space where I’m willing to wrestle with the ills of humanity while being simultaneously inspired by the human heart is an act of respect for my clients’ lived experiences. I hope staying in the discomfort of the tension between those two states will help me to keep growing, so I can contribute more to the solutions than I do to the problems.
The more I care for myself, the more I can care for my clients.
Energy doesn’t lie. When I care for myself, consistently, I have the energy I need to be present for each of my clients. They can feel the resonance of what I’m saying to them if I’m centered in the same practices. Again, there’s no faking it with this.
I think I’ve learned more from my clients than they’ve learned from me.
The relationships I have or have had with my clients has, and continues to transform who I am. What an incredible gift that is, one I don’t think I can ever pay back fully.
Therapeutic self disclosure, when used mindfully, IS a powerful tool for clients.
I’m not quite certain why it’s so powerful, it seems like a situation where the sum is greater than the total of its parts. What I do know, is that sharing my humanity, (intentionally and skillfully) is how a heart can remember it is connected to other hearts, it’s safe and it can heal.
I love lunch, and my lunch hour is sacred.
The entire time I’ve been in business, I’ve blocked off the hour of 12-1 for lunch. I think it’s one of the smartest business decisions I made. It gives me time to rest, to recharge and to eat without rushing, which I always enjoy, AND midday eating is simply the best. It’s when food hits just right. Lunch is a love note I give myself on a daily basis, and If you know me, you know it always ends with some dark chocolate.
Owning my mistakes with clients helps build trust as much as getting it right does.
We all miss the mark. Trust in relationships is built with emotional safety, and owning my mistakes creates an atmosphere of safety. Yes, clients need to feel like I’m competent to help them, but part of that competence is being human. In grad school, I worried a lot about making mistakes with clients. I was so concerned the mistakes would undermine the trust clients had in me. I was so wrong. Do I need to learn from my mistakes so I don’t keep making the same ones, absolutely. Owning them when they happen is the first step in learning from them.
The more we all learn to feel safe within ourselves in uncertainty, the more we will individually and collectively heal, (another hill I will die on).
Life is uncertain and there are so many unknowns as we navigate the uncertainty. If we pretend that isn’t true, it creates significant mental distress. Coping with uncertainty around us by building an internal sense of safety feels similar to living in a well built house with a sturdy foundation and good roof during a storm. It doesn’t influence when the storm ends, it does give you the felt sense of safety you need to help you feel your way through it.
Clear is kind, unclear is unkind, thank you Brene Brown.
Clarity reduces anxiety. It helps people to trust themselves and their perceptions and at the same time it reduces the risk of misunderstanding and misguided assumptions. It’s a way of demonstrating respect for yourself and others because it says I know there is nothing inherently wrong with expressing myself (it is our power) and I trust that you (the other) are capable of dealing with it.
Listening, truly listening, is the language of love.
This isn’t something that words can describe well. Try it, I think you’ll feel the same.
I am so grateful I get to practice what I love everyday.
Discover How To Nurture Your Heart’s Intentions: Cultivate Growth Through Shedding, Learning & Rebirth
Reserve Your Spot to Harness the Energy of Transformation—Shed, Grow & Rebirth with Intention ON SALE for only $375
In the transformative energy of the Year of the Snake, we invite you to step into the woods and embark on a journey of growth, stability, and creativity. This immersive, women-centered workshop is designed to help you shed what no longer serves you, engage in the dual process of learning and unlearning, and experience a powerful rebirth.
Who Is This Workshop For?
This experience is for Gen X and Millennial women who are ready to:
Deepen their curiosity, compassion, and connection to self
Release old patterns and embrace transformation
Engage in movement, meditation, and creative expression to nurture personal growth
When Is This Workshop?
April 12, 2025 10 AM to 2:30 PM
What to Expect in This 4.5-Hour Workshop:
Shedding – Letting Go with Intention
Collective Reiki and breathwork to cultivate curiosity
Embodiment-based movement to embrace openness
Journaling and group discussion to facilitate release
Learning & Unlearning – Embracing the Dual Process
Mindful eating to practice presence
Meditation to explore the layers of learning and unlearning
Expressive art to experience the freedom of transformation
Rebirth – Stepping into Your Power
Reiki and breathwork to ground into your inherent worth
Meditation to connect with the expansiveness of self
Art exercises to embrace inner confidence
Your Investment: $375 (Limited to 8 Participants)
Your fee includes:
✅ Workshop experience in a serene, rural setting in Stafford
✅ All supplies and nourishing snacks
✅ A journal to support continued growth and reflection
✅ A 90-day post-workshop Zoom check-in for integration and support
Spots are limited—reserve your place today and begin your journey back to self.
***If this retreat is something you're interested in, but your current budget doesn't allow for this price point. Please contact us alison@alisonsintegrativehealth.org
Burnout, What Why and How
Does it ever feel like your to do list never ends?
Do you feel like you can’t do anything for yourself until you knock another chore off your list?
Girl, same. And we all feel this way sometimes. Do you ever wonder why we feel like we can’t do what we want to do until our list is done?
And who decides what we have to put on our list anyway?
Well, for those of us who identify as women (which is a social construct by the way), we have things that society decided we have to do. Society also decides how women should behave, what is normal for us, what roles we take on, and what we HAVE to do for everyone but ourselves.
Because of what society has decided that we must do, we can feel like our jobs are never ending. Whether it be working, going to school, taking care of our families, cooking dinner, or cleaning the house.
We have to realize that competing values are happening within everyone. And what you choose to spend your time on is ok, as long as you say it’s ok.
So what is burnout then?
If you ever find yourself just completely overwhelmed and exhausted then you might be in the neighborhood of burnout.
Because what it’s like to be a woman and what is expected of you can be two completely different things.
When we try to close the gap between society’s expectations and who we really are, we can become burned out.
When we neglect our personal wants and needs habitually it leads to burnout.
It’s hard being a woman in our society. But, there are some things that can help us to keep burn out at bay.
How to recognize that we are in fact, burned out?
Physical exhaustion- you may notice that your energy level is extremely low and you feel like your body can’t do even one more thing.
Mental exhaustion - you may feel like you’re lacking mental clarity, can’t think straight, and have trouble concentrating.
Fatigue- your body is done, just done. This can last for short or long periods of time.
Regular headaches- you may notice that you are experiencing more headaches than usual.
Isolation- you may feel like you want to self isolate, don’t want to leave the house, and find yourself not doing the things that you normally enjoy.
Irritability- you may notice that you are quicker to get angry, become frustrated, or more irritable in situations that normally would not bother you.
What can we do about it?
We have to figure out and embrace our own authentic sense of who we are and what’s important to us.
The more that we live authentically and listen to our values, the less we allow outside expectations to affect us, thus living the lives that we wish to live.
If we are living authentically, burnout is way less likely to happen to us, because we are listening to what we need within ourselves.
Our authentic selves are made, not found. We have to work to find what really matters to us, what we do for ourselves to stay happy and balanced in our hectic lives.
These are some things that help us to live authentically:
Pursuit and achievement of goals that matter to us.
Loving, emotionally connected relationships with others.
Serving our spiritual or religious beliefs.
Our meaning in our lives is the answer to “what am I doing when I feel most powerfully that I’m doing what I am supposed to be doing?”
The next way to combat our burnout is by completing the “stress cycle”. The stress cycle is when we encounter an obstacle, and our body goes into that fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.
In the old days completing that cycle was easy, but in today’s society, we must figure out how to complete this cycle of stress that our body gets stuck in after something happens in our lives.
So, how do I complete this stress cycle? Well, you have to signal to your body that you are safe, or it will stay in this state of stress and burnout.
Here are a few simple ways that you can complete your stress cycle, to bring your body back to homeostasis.
Physical activity- go for a walk, a bike ride, dance in your living room, or anything that gets your body moving.
A 20-second hug with someone who feels safe to you.
Long deep breathing or meditation, while being mindful of your thoughts and feelings.
Real, genuine laughter, like the kind of laughter that takes over your whole body.
Finally, a big old cry. Letting yourself release all of these emotions will take you to the very end of your stress cycle.
If you’d like to know more about burnout and how to move away from a burnout cycle, I’ll be conducting a 4 week group in the near future.
Stay tuned for details.
Emotional Intelligence, Change, & Staying The Same Walked Into A Bar...
What a difference a year (or TEN) makes…
AND, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
This month marks just over one year's time frame of the COVID global pandemic’s devastating impact on our country and local community. It also marks the 10 year anniversary of Alison Sullivan and Associates. This past year has been, by far the most challenging in our 10 year history, from EVERY perspective, as a small business owner, as a mental health clinician, and as a person. I’ve learned more about how to pivot, to innovate, to let go, to surrender, to grieve, to rest, to dig deep, to protect and to heal in this past year than probably the last 10 combined. As I’m sure many of you have.
So, yes indeed, what a difference a year makes.
I feel like, as a business, in relationship to COVID, we are restabilizing, restoring, recreating and expanding. I know that I am really aware of applying all that I’ve transformed in the past year to bring more knowledge, understanding, discernment and love to what I do moving forward in this new world we live in.
At the same time, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Specifically, what I mean, is that the more seemingly unique challenges I face, as a person or business owner, the more I understand that emotional intelligence is a HUGE factor in whether I develop more resiliency in the face of the challenges.
Research continues to show that Emotional intelligence (EQ) helps you to acknowledge and process emotions without allowing them to hijack your life and your other relationships. EQ helps you to navigate conflict in ways that actually improve relationships and enables you to understand others’ feelings while you set boundaries with empathy to create a space for healing safe connection. It releases you from the pain of trauma bonds, codependency and the drama cycle, all of which impair your ability to truly connect with yourself and others.
Sounds great right?
There are 5 primary domains of EQ; self awareness, self regulation, self motivation, empathy and managing conflict.
Self awareness comprises three aspects. Emotional awareness is knowing what you are feeling and being able to label it accurately. Self assessment is being able to understand your strengths, weaknesses and how you are showing up in interactions. Confidence is the attitude of believing in your ability to learn, grow, understand and master.
Self regulation, as its name implies is about the ability to notice what you are feeling AND managing the flow of that energy reducing the likelihood of impulsivity, blaming and deflecting. This skill is particularly powerful in helping us develop shame resilience.
Self motivation is harnessing the force that influences you to take action. For many people external factors such as approval from others, acceptance, acknowledgement, form the bulk of motivation. Self motivation includes intrinsic motivation, the ability to understand and know who you are so that your choices align with your beliefs, values and goals. Of course we need belonging with others, but often we sacrifice internal belonging for external acceptance and that pattern can cause a lot of difficulties.
Empathy, the fourth EQ domain, is an actual magic wand in life. When we view ourselves through a compassionate, non judgemental lens and offer that same lens to others it fosters a deep sense of being seen, heard and valued both within yourself and in your relationships with others.
Lastly, managing conflict, is about being able to navigate your interpersonal interactions with others in an attuned manner (based on the other 4 skills) to honor diversity, utilize flexibility and adaptability to evolve and solve the issues that arise when we try to live alongside other people.
All this month we are highlighting each of these domains throughout our social media and on our podcast. If EQ is something you are looking to develop in your life then we’ve got you. Give us a follow on our social media and we look forward to meeting you along the way of our shared journey to more connection and deeper belonging to ourselves and others.