The Case for Stillness
Go, go, go. Do, do, do. Get, get, get.
That’s the energy most of us are conditioned in from birth.
Worth becomes productivity, and productivity becomes the measure of your value. If you do more, you are more. And if you aren’t striving… well, what are you even doing? Rest is something you earn, and only after you’ve done “all the work,” whatever that means.
This mindset was especially prevalent in my generation (Gen X) and remains a cornerstone of Western culture. At the same time, I’m beginning to notice small signs of a cultural shift, an increasing awareness of the cost of chronic hustle. The quiet but important questions: For what? For who? Who is actually benefiting from all this grinding and striving?
One of the many problems with this framework is that it’s deeply reductive, profoundly disembodied, and fundamentally misaligned with our wholeness. Over time, it leads to burnout, depression, and habits that numb us to the very disconnection we’re trying to outrun.
And perhaps most strikingly, this approach rarely delivers on what it promises.
Our mind–body systems are designed to move in rhythms and cycles. Sometimes that rhythm calls for effort, productivity, and forward motion. And sometimes it calls for slowing down, resting, reflecting—simply being. When we habitually override rest and slowness, we dysregulate our entire system. We lose access to meaning-making, emotional depth, and our capacity for connection, joy, wonder, and love.
This is where the magic of stillness lives.
Stillness asks nothing of you. There’s no striving, no destination, no achievement. There is only being here, now, noticing what is. That can feel deeply uncomfortable, threatening; especially if staying busy has been how you’ve survived.
The initial discomfort of stillness understandably sends many people rushing back into action.
But when stillness is practiced consistently, something shifts. Over time, your system recognizes it as a natural state. Relief emerges. You begin to feel into the fuller dimensions of who you are; separate from what you produce or accomplish. This is how we start to reclaim wholeness.
Winter, as a natural cycle, is an incredible teacher in developing a relationship with stillness. Winter embodies being rather than performing. It models quiet deepening, and restoration—not expansion, acceleration, or bloom. And perhaps most powerfully, winter reminds us how essential this rhythm is for growth itself.
Rest and reflection, when held in harmony with action and productivity, is the cycle that fuels inspiration, motivation, and meaningful engagement with the world.
So how do you begin a relationship with stillness?
Start by making peace with the fact that it will likely feel uncomfortable and maybe even pointless, at first. If you can stay with that discomfort and allow it to move through you (and it will), you’ll begin to sense the steady calm beneath all the noise.
Practically speaking, carve out 10–15 minutes a day to do nothing. (You already spend more time than that scrolling, so this isn’t about time.)
You might:
Sit and look out a window, just being.
Lie on the floor and follow the rhythm of your breath.
Stand outside and simply notice what it feels like to be in your body and with your surroundings.
Daily connection with stillness helps you recognize the cues your body is always offering. You begin to notice when you need rest, when you need a pause, and—just as importantly—when you feel genuinely ready to take action.
And yes, I hear you. The demands of life are real. Being overwhelmed and under-resourced is real.
And also, there are ways to honor your inner rhythm within the chaos of your current situation, even if it’s only 5 minutes.
It may not be perfect. It may not be ideal.
But it can be enough to reconnect you with more of who you truly are.
Year End Reflections - Emotional Agility Is The Move
So often we decide, “If I get it right, if I make the right choices, then I can lock in and ride out a good life”. If you sit back to reflect on that notion, there are so many issues with it…
First off, what does get it right mean?
Who determines what right choices are, and how are those right choices measured?
Is it determined by how comfortable we are?
Then there’s the issue with locking in and riding out; those states of being that don't really even exist. Life changes, we change, unexpected events happen, so there's no viable pathway to lock anything in.
And then finally, a good life, what the heck is that?
What your parents told you was a good life?
What the culture, your friends, the media told you was a good life?
And how is that even determined?
It’s understandable that we do this, our brains want certainty, thinking that translates to security. Who doesn’t want security? Security in your life is absolutely possible, but not by creating some external picture that you then try to control. Security develops on the inside, it’s a deep rootedness in knowing that however life twists and turns, whatever unexpected experiences or hoped for outcomes occur or don’t come to pass, you can trust in your ability to take care of yourself, your heart and to live into your values. That type of grounded relationship to your life and yourself is the cornerstone of security.
How do you begin to build that internal sense of security?
Two words, emotional agility.
This concept was developed by Dr. Susan David, a leading expert on emotional intelligence. She defines emotional agility as “The ability to navigate one’s emotions with flexibility, without ignoring them or letting them control you”. It is a practice of using your emotions as information to help guide you. When you develop skill in emotional agility you become able to adapt, to be curious, to be open to change; all skills that over time support you in living a life RICH and MEANINGFUL to YOU. You become less reactive, less rigid, less braced for the inevitable shoe to drop.
At year's end, I usually reflect on what I noticed, what I learned, what I unlearned, and how that matters to me and to the people around me both at work and at home. This year, I’ve witnessed myself make several decisions based on emotional agility both in my business and personal life. I moved offices and entered into a new type of business collaboration, I hired more clinicians, I began remodeling my outbuilding to move the practice to, I’ve expanded the services I offer to include retreats and held several of these groups at my home.
Each of these choices were connected to emotional agility. Most of them were never in “the plan”. I changed course because circumstances changed, and although several of these decisions were a bit scary, I am finding security inside myself, rather than trying to control the outcomes of these decisions. I’ve witnessed countless clients connect with deep meaning, deep joy and deep forgiveness through the practice of emotional agility. I’ve felt the freedom of the practice and I’ve watched others connect to freedom by letting go of what they were supposed to do and instead learned how to choose themselves through their values in whatever situation they found themselves in.
Emotional agility releases you from the nagging fear and anxiety centered in things needing to be a certain way, instead inviting you to explore what is happening, using curiosity to guide you through the situation. I don’t think we ever arrive at PERFECT emotional agility, nor do I think that’s the point. Developing this practice will, however, bring much more internal peace and security without resorting to avoidance, numbing, blame or control to gain what I like to call faux peace. It will bring excitement into your experience and it will reconnect you with mystery and possibility, all of which enriches your experience of this one beautiful life you are living and we are living alongside each other.
If you want to learn more about emotional agility, check out Dr. David’s book, titled unsurprisingly… Emotional Agility.
And if you are looking for a practical way to build a relationship with yourself and your life consider our month long Introduction to Journaling, an online experience that will support you in exploring several different approaches to journaling and guide you through exploring those approaches. We’ll also meet on zoom each week to process your experiences with the material. We start January 1, I sure hope to see you there.
Thank you for spending your valuable time reading these blogs I write and engaging with our social media, workshops and courses. I love my work and I hope it brings a little more clarity, support and hope to anyone who connects with it. I wish each of you a year that surprises you, delights you and opens you to the awareness that you are held in love exactly as you are.
Building Security With Both / And
Parts of Covid, at least the lockdown isolating phases of Covid, are beginning to shift AND we are also still in the midst of the ongoing pandemic; navigating reentry, recovery, and the new variant. We have resolved some of the initial uncertainty associated with this devastating illness AND we are still uncertain about how we are going to gather again safely. In my personal life, I’m dealing with the complexity of Covid in the varying roles I have in my life with confidence AND trepidation, with curiosity AND with fear, with hope AND with grief. The ways my family and practice colleagues are approaching similar issues related to Covid BOTH resembles what I am choosing AND differs from my decisions.
All of it is real.
It’s complicated and so often in an effort to gain more control and more certainty we rush to find ways to feel more in control and more certain. That’s where Both/And comes in handy and that is why I chose to write this blog now. Because we are all in varying ways navigating how our lives are still somewhat isolated AND how to re engage with work, school and others, safely.
If you are working with me or have worked with me in the past then you’ve heard me say BOTH/AND, probably to the threshold of irritation. I use this concept EVERY SINGLE DAY.
It’s that important.
…In fact, if I were on a desert island and could only take one perceptual tool with me, it would be this one.
I’ll explain why. ..
Either/or thinking also known as dichotomous thinking creates a false dichotomy, often in the service of finding certainty. It artificially narrows our experiences and our feelings into this or that categories in an effort to increase a sense of security, by thinking we understand and can decide with certainty about complex aspects of our humanity, aspects that often defy certainty.
The problem with dichotomous thinking though is that it doesn't accurately reflect feelings and experiences. But both/and does.
Both/and thinking, also known as non-dualistic thinking tolerates uncertainty by allowing you to make room for all of “it”, whatever “it” is. Both/And opens us up to the possibility that you both love your partner and feel stifled in the relationship, which can be scary to acknowledge AND also liberating. You can enjoy the security of your job AND crave a more creative pursuit. You can appreciate the companionship of treasured friends AND be annoyed by their personality quirks. You can feel grief and joy in the same space or experience disappointment and gratitude; which is a more accurate lens to explore ourselves and our relationships with.
So how can you apply this thinking tool to your life as it relates to Covid?
Notice where you feel uncertainty in your life right now. Maybe it's related to varying vaccine statuses in your workplace and the policies around that. Maybe it's connected to school settings. Maybe it’s connected to immediate and extended family situations. Maybe even all of the above!
Acknowledge ALL of your feelings related to the uncertainty. Especially if they seem in conflict with each other. Acknowledge, don’t judge or criticize.
Consciously and intentionally hold space for all of the feelings WITHOUT judgement. Here are a few examples of what that might look like. I’m happy I’m vaccinated because I feel more safe AND I am worried about my kids not being vaccinated. I’m scared to return to the workplace because I don’t feel secure about the policies in place AND I’m looking forward to seeing more people outside of my home. I am angry that I’m still isolated from parts of my previous life that I enjoyed AND I’m really disappointed in how my family is responding to the situation.
For me, currently, a both/and statement is; I’m grateful that my family is vaccinated AND I’m concerned about how the Delta variant is impacting everyone regardless of vaccination status. Another is, I’m excited to gather with folks again AND concerned about how to do that safely. Another related to work is, I’m grateful we have a practice management system that can allow us to work remotely if need be AND I’m concerned about how the ever changing landscape is affecting our clients.
Opening up to the complexity of uncertain situations using this approach, counter intuitively CAN increase our security, maybe not in the moment, but certainly longer term because it’s honest and it's real. So this approach helps us build distress tolerance, helps us build self trust and helps us build self confidence; all of which foster resiliency. And resiliency is what fuels hope. And hope fuels belonging. Which is what we all are actually looking for when we are struggling to find certainty. I think it’s actually more about a safe, secure place to belong in the uncertainty.
Emotional Intelligence, Change, & Staying The Same Walked Into A Bar...
What a difference a year (or TEN) makes…
AND, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
This month marks just over one year's time frame of the COVID global pandemic’s devastating impact on our country and local community. It also marks the 10 year anniversary of Alison Sullivan and Associates. This past year has been, by far the most challenging in our 10 year history, from EVERY perspective, as a small business owner, as a mental health clinician, and as a person. I’ve learned more about how to pivot, to innovate, to let go, to surrender, to grieve, to rest, to dig deep, to protect and to heal in this past year than probably the last 10 combined. As I’m sure many of you have.
So, yes indeed, what a difference a year makes.
I feel like, as a business, in relationship to COVID, we are restabilizing, restoring, recreating and expanding. I know that I am really aware of applying all that I’ve transformed in the past year to bring more knowledge, understanding, discernment and love to what I do moving forward in this new world we live in.
At the same time, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Specifically, what I mean, is that the more seemingly unique challenges I face, as a person or business owner, the more I understand that emotional intelligence is a HUGE factor in whether I develop more resiliency in the face of the challenges.
Research continues to show that Emotional intelligence (EQ) helps you to acknowledge and process emotions without allowing them to hijack your life and your other relationships. EQ helps you to navigate conflict in ways that actually improve relationships and enables you to understand others’ feelings while you set boundaries with empathy to create a space for healing safe connection. It releases you from the pain of trauma bonds, codependency and the drama cycle, all of which impair your ability to truly connect with yourself and others.
Sounds great right?
There are 5 primary domains of EQ; self awareness, self regulation, self motivation, empathy and managing conflict.
Self awareness comprises three aspects. Emotional awareness is knowing what you are feeling and being able to label it accurately. Self assessment is being able to understand your strengths, weaknesses and how you are showing up in interactions. Confidence is the attitude of believing in your ability to learn, grow, understand and master.
Self regulation, as its name implies is about the ability to notice what you are feeling AND managing the flow of that energy reducing the likelihood of impulsivity, blaming and deflecting. This skill is particularly powerful in helping us develop shame resilience.
Self motivation is harnessing the force that influences you to take action. For many people external factors such as approval from others, acceptance, acknowledgement, form the bulk of motivation. Self motivation includes intrinsic motivation, the ability to understand and know who you are so that your choices align with your beliefs, values and goals. Of course we need belonging with others, but often we sacrifice internal belonging for external acceptance and that pattern can cause a lot of difficulties.
Empathy, the fourth EQ domain, is an actual magic wand in life. When we view ourselves through a compassionate, non judgemental lens and offer that same lens to others it fosters a deep sense of being seen, heard and valued both within yourself and in your relationships with others.
Lastly, managing conflict, is about being able to navigate your interpersonal interactions with others in an attuned manner (based on the other 4 skills) to honor diversity, utilize flexibility and adaptability to evolve and solve the issues that arise when we try to live alongside other people.
All this month we are highlighting each of these domains throughout our social media and on our podcast. If EQ is something you are looking to develop in your life then we’ve got you. Give us a follow on our social media and we look forward to meeting you along the way of our shared journey to more connection and deeper belonging to ourselves and others.