The Golden Ticket
Sometimes life throws us something we aren’t expecting- a loss, an injury.
Sometimes we invite a change into our lives with a move, new relationship, new goal or dream.
When we find ourselves in this position, sometimes there’s a pull toward comparison with other people. A tendency to compare our inside feelings with an outside appearance, especially when we feel out of control, insecure and overwhelmed. We may then begin to think that “we are missing something that others have”, “that we aren’t enough”, that we need the ‘golden ticket ‘ in order to feel at peace or at least marginally comfortable again.
Actually we have the golden ticket inside us already.
It’s the golden ticket of meeting ourselves where we are with self acceptance
Ok so what does that mean? And how do we do that when we are feeling so out of control and overwhelmed?
It means that we allow ourselves to be exactly who we are in this situation, without judgement and without demanding perfection. It means that we open up to the notion that there isn’t one right way to live a life, that the challenge is to authentically and wholeheartedly live the life we are experiencing.
How do we do that?
If only there was a one size fits all blueprint that I could share.
There isn’t.
What I can share are tools to guide you toward more self-acceptance, toward meeting yourself where you are with kindness and compassion:
Take a pause and notice what’s going on in your thoughts, your emotions and in your body. Notice, don’t attach. Be curious, not judgmental.
Acknowledge your inherent worth, within the circumstance you are experiencing. You have worth because you are here and you are you.
Let go of comparison with others, even if you have to let go in tiny pieces. LET IT GO. It is toxic and invalid. It serves to undermine your worth, progress and unique experience of your life.
Affirm your efforts, however uncomfortable it may feel. Affirming our efforts increases motivation and fuels a growth mindset.
Embrace the awkward. Whenever we are learning there is going to be an awkward stage. Lean in.
Self-empathy. Integration Nation Episode 212: Empathy- The Magic Wand can help you with this.
Self-acceptance is essential for us to develop authentic intimacy with ourselves and with other people. It releases us from the tyranny of comparison and supports us in the direction of our heart. Anything that does that merits the distinction as a golden ticket.
Take hold of your golden ticket as you meet yourself where you are at, lean in and grow.
As always. please leave any comments or questions you may have on meeting yourself where you are at in the comments or shoot us an e-mail.
3 Meditation Myths & Common Mistakes
Meditation is a science backed activity that relieves stress and, unfortunately, has some misinformation surrounding it. Today we are going to look at and debunk a few of these myths and misconceptions that gives meditation and meditation classes a bad rep.
Myth #1:
Meditation benefits take years to notice.
NOPE, research suggests people can begin to benefit from meditation in as little as 10 minutes a day. Measurable brain changes occur after 8 weeks of daily 20 minute meditation practices.
Myth #2:
Your mind has to be empty for it to work.
Once again, nope.
Meditation practices and experiences are as varied as types of candy that I love, so in other words, a lot.
Myth #3:
Meditation is B.S.
This is also false because, meditation has a robust science backing and many proven benefits to improve your health and overall life.
Now that we have debunked a few myths, what are 3 of the most common mistakes made when attempting meditation?
3 Most Common Meditation Mistakes
Giving up.
Giving up.
Giving up.
That’s right, really the only mistake you can make is to give up.
Meditation is a relationship that is dynamic and with practice can become a primary tool in your wellness bag.
So, don’t give up! Keep learning in your pursuit of a better and healthier you!
If you want to learn more about Meditation and all of it’s benefits (reduce anxiety and depression, reduce stress, improve work efficiency just to name a few) check out our upcoming Meditation for Beginners class at our office located in downtown Fredericksburg by clicking here!
Psychotherapy Myth #3: Therapy is a Magic Wand
Myth:
Therapy is a magic wand.
Truth:
Therapy is a process, a relationship and a conversation.
(Side note: conversation is my current favorite word).
Therapy develops and supports you in self awareness, self discovery, personal accountability and learning how to peacefully and more completely belong to yourself.
The conversation that is had in therapy, that process is dynamic.
Therapy explores you, your story, your supporting cast, your plot line.
It isn’t about a director telling you what to do and how to do it- and then presto chango, the work is instantly done.
Therapy is a conversation, a dance that reveals to you the unique beauty, magic and potential within you by examining the “themes” of your experiences and relationships.
Week after week, session after session, therapy opens you to yourself more completely which in turn opens up your life to new possibilities outside of the therapy sessions.
That’s important for several reasons.
If therapy was a magic wand, it would rob you of the best adventure of your life; getting intimately and LOVINGLY connected to you.
If therapy was a magic wand, you wouldn’t discover how capable, competent and confident you are when you are accountable, when you develop self acceptance, when you risk change.
That awareness and those experiences ARE the magic of the therapy process and conversation.
Doing the work to change your life, and allowing therapy to support you, rebels against instant perfectionism. Instead, it says, “Sit down for awhile so you can learn to love all of your imperfect self. Can I get you a cup of tea while you’re here?”
Contact us today at our downtown Fredericksburg, VA to begin your journey of self-discovery and begin therapy online or locally to have relationship and conversation.
Psychotherapy Myth #2: I Don't Need Therapy I Can Just Talk to My Friends
Good and trusted friends are, in heartfelt and pragmatic aspects, a really important support system for us throughout our lifespan.
Research is clear on the benefits of friends for our mental and physical wellness; it supports that those relationships improve our wellness throughout our lifespan.
However, what I am about to say is really important to deeply consider.
Therapy is different from talking to friends in very specific, important ways.
1. Therapy is a business relationship.
Heart centered and health focused, yes, but also a business relationship with the sole purpose of helping you heal.
2. Therapy helps you heal by utilizing science based theories and interventions within the context of the therapeutic relationship.
Wait… what, Alison?
Essentially, what I mean by this is that the conversation is guided by science to help you directly achieve your goals. I am continually centered on utilizing various skill sets I’ve developed as a licensed clinician social worker during each session with clients to target exactly what the client’s goals are.
3. Therapeutic disclosure focused on you.
Although I believe therapeutic self disclosure is super helpful in working with clients, any disclosure is for the sole purpose of helping the client; therapy is essentially a one sided relationship, focused on you. Isn’t that great?
Once again it seems like another both/and situation as opposed to an either/or… and yes, that is an upcoming Integration Nation podcast episode.
If you do have any questions or want to begin your counseling journey today, to rediscover that you are enough, check us out at our Fredericksburg office by giving us a call or sending an e-mail.
Psychotherapy Myth 1: Only "Crazy People" Go to Therapy
I absolutely cannot speak for other therapists or where they stand on these myths associated with psychotherapy.
This new blog series is about dispelling psychotherapy myths based on how I practice and based upon how I view psychotherapy as an integrative therapist.
Sooooooo….. here we go.
We’re diving deep right away, because there is no sense in wasting your time.
To be completely vulnerable with you, I got a little angry even typing out the phrase “crazy people”, it’s derogative and demeans the very legitimate struggles we ALL experience as human beings. Every person encounters a struggle or trial at some point in their lives, and it is okay, essential even, to seek out guidance from a counselor during the times we feel stuck.
In my downtown Fredericksburg practice, we come from the perspective that psychotherapy and counseling is a sacred space to find guidance and support in not only RESOLVING grief and trauma, but also INTEGRATING new aspects of self and gaining UNDERSTANDING and SELF AWARENESS about life transitions from a holistic lens.
As licensed clinicians and actual human beings, we deeply believe in the inherent worth and dignity of individuals. Stemming from that foundational belief, we also believe people are strong enough to acknowledge patterns of thinking and patterns of behavior that do not support who they are becoming and how they want to contribute in their unique lives.
AND we believe in empowering people.
Empowering people to learn how to support their health holistically is one of primary objectives as counselors. We see therapy as part of a good comprehensive health care, therefore we operate and advocate to break the stigma associated with mental health care.
I guess in short it boils down to, we love people.
We really love people, and we believe in the worth of people and and that all people can benefit from psychotherapy that respects the adaptive power which every single human being possesses.
Counseling works and you aren’t “crazy”.
Are You Screening Your Own Calls?
Last week I was meeting with a client and we were discussing the concept of self-betrayal as it relates to security and confidence both in decision making and in relationships, when she suddenly said, “I need to stop screening my own calls, do I even trust myself to answer when I call?”
It was a profound therapeutic moment that reinforced a long-held belief of mine; that people have their own answers and sometimes just need a little guidance to reveal or remember their innate wisdom.
What does it mean to screen your own calls and how can that influence our relationship with ourselves and our lives?
To me it means, that in turning away from ourselves, our wants, our needs, our feelings- we are, over time telling ourselves in a fundamental way that we don’t matter, we aren’t important enough to attend to.
Let’s go back to the phone call metaphor; we all have moments when we need to decline a call because we are involved in an important task that needs most of our attention, like driving, a meal with family, showering, a business meeting and at those times it’s appropriate to delay answering the call, while still acknowledging that a call has come in. If we continually look at our phone screen and say, nope not answering, nope not answering again, then the avoidance leads to a pattern of self-neglect which gives the clear message of, this or you, aren’t worth my time.
Eventually, if we are ignoring our inner wisdom, our own voice, our calls for attention, reflection, effort, then we begin to mistrust our ability to care for ourselves because the evidence we have tells us we can’t be trusted. Over time that mistrust can erode our confidence in relationships, at work and in our personal endeavors. In that space of neglect, self-doubt creeps in and begins to make us question our worth, our abilities and our gut instincts.
When we instead, do the opposite and answer our calls, or even call ourselves back at the earliest opportunity, we are communicating that we matter to ourselves, that our voice, our yearnings, gut feelings, nagging thoughts are valuable and worth time and attention.
Similarly, to the momentum that the self-neglect builds, that attunement enables us to be more comfortable with the process of unfolding, it allows us to trust that we are there for ourselves even in the mess of uncertainty. That is a foundation of secure attachment to ourselves which gives us the confidence to risk, to try, to speak up, or to say no. All of which are vital to making sound decisions and building healthy relationships.
It’s time to answer the phone, it’s you calling and it’s important.
It's All About A Choice
We all have moments throughout our lives when we stop and reflect, how did I get here? How did I end up in this job? Where did this extra weight come from? Why am I in this marriage/relationship? or How did I get so lucky? How did I land this job, partner etc?
Sometimes, I believe, we think it’s happenstance, coincidental; like leaves blowing in the wind, we travel and land as the wind directs us. Although, we are continually making choices whether we are conscious of that or not and these choices, decisions and actions direct our course.
I’ve reflected on whether there are rhythms and patterns related to the choices, over the years as I work with people and I think it boils down to two decision patterns- when and where do we lean in and when and where do we turn away.
When and where do we lean in… what does that even mean?
To me it means what situations and experiences do we turn towards and say yes to. Where do we allow ourselves to feel our feelings and move more deeply into a person, a career, an experience, or even a dream, hope or wish.
It’s in those ordinary moments when we decide to tell someone how we feel or fill out the application or say yes to the date, the invitation, the opportunity, that we are deciding. We are deciding that we want something more than our concern about handling our feelings or managing the outcome of the experience. We lean into the potential of something and in so doing, set in motion a chain of events that changes a potential into an actual.
Conversely, where do we turn away?
When do we say no to ourselves? To an idea? To an opportunity? At these thresholds we are doing the same, we are charting our course by saying no, by avoiding, by denying, just as much as we do when we lean into. When we turn away, we are in effect saying I don’t want to feel this, look at this, join this, hope for this, risk this, try this or know this.
We are turning away to stay in place.
The illusion of the idea of standing still is that in turning away we are still setting in motion a chain of events that changes potential into an actual.
The next time you find yourself wondering why this happened, how you arrived here or thanked the luck of the stars or blessed the happy accident of good fortune, remember, our lives, our paths are not similar to leaves blowing in the wind. Instead, join with conscious decision making so that whether you are leaning in or turning away you claim the choice and in so doing claim the power of the potential.
What's This Trust Thing All About?
Welcome to a new year, a new start, an unfolding of what is yet to be known.
I love this time of year because it offers us a natural opportunity for reflection and intention. As we say goodbye to the previous year we can reflect on our successes, our challenges, the events and circumstances that maybe took us by surprise as well as our sorrows and losses. As we look ahead to the new year and what has yet to be known, we can consciously, mindfully shape our hopes, dreams, desires and goals.
For me this has been a year of transition, a year of expansion and a year that has also taught me a painful yet infinitely beneficial lesson in trust.
I’ve transitioned from an every day parent to a long distance guide and occasional host to a mountain of laundry.
I’ve expanded the offerings at our practice to include workshops and expanded my skill base in mindfulness and nutrition, for the benefit of our clients and subscribers.
I have also experienced a very painful, unexpected loss that reminded me about the foundation of trust, the importance of integrity and the value of friendship.
My current favorite definition of trust is by Charles Feltman. He defines it as choosing to make something important to you, vulnerable to the actions of someone else.
I am reminded this year that I cannot expect others to always honor their word, be honest and follow through on commitments which does in fact make me vulnerable if I include others in the areas of my life that really matter.
However, I can find strength within that vulnerability IF I have a consistent track record of caring for myself, following through on behalf of myself and being honest with myself even when I experience a betrayal of trust from another person.
Behaving from a place of integrity within myself allows me to feel the pain of betrayal without losing my sense of identity, my values, my trust or my view of the world as a basically good place. I can still rely on myself to care for myself while also receiving help and support from the people who inevitably surround me offering wisdom and understanding as I process the pain.
So does that mean we cannot ever trust other people to keep their word, or to do what they say they are going to?
I sure hope not, because I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t trust others. Building trust with other people takes time and discernment, which requires vigilant self honesty; not turning away from the proverbial red flags that are there to help guide us if we choose to see them.
If I’m really honest, that’s where I veered off course with this situation. It’s when we begin to deceive ourselves about another’s behavior or we make decisions from a place of fear that we, I believe, put ourselves at risk of unwisely trusting people who will inevitably betray us, not from a place of maliciousness but because they have not yet developed enough character, and integrity to follow through both for themselves as well as others.
Unexpected things happen in our lives all the time- people leave, circumstances change and we can continually choose to utilize these experiences as opportunities to fine tune our vision for ourselves and to fine tune the contribution we want to make to the world.
As this year unfolds, I look forward to continuing to serve our clients and our downtown Fredericksburg community with the highest degree of knowledge, professionalism and integrity I possess as a therapist and I intend to continue to learn for the benefit of myself, my clients, my friends, my family and for my favorite person. I hope to gain even more strength in vulnerability and I look forward to sharing it all with each of you.
I wish you a year of trust, strength in vulnerability and great adventure.
Repainting My Home- A Meditation on Transition
I recently repainted my living room, dining room, hallway and kitchen, in a weekend.
Yes, a weekend.
All at once, the eighteen months of agonizing questions such as, “what colors accent the odd flow of the space well?’, “do I really want to do another painting project?” “Is there any way I can justify spending the money to hire someone else to do it?” “When can I fit a project like this into my already busy life?” became clear and a free weekend appeared.
I knew what color scheme I wanted the upstairs of my home to be, became excited about the transformation and even enlisted a few friends to help me finish it.
Let me be clear, this all crystallized in 24hrs.
Once I began, something unexpected occurred…
As I was prepping the walls, taping and “cutting in” at the baseboards and crown molding, I noticed myself reflecting on my family’s time here in this home and on my role as a mom. At the same time I found my mind drifting into the future, watching the new color blending with the old eventually replacing it. It awakened the sometimes anxious, sometimes sad, sometimes joyful feelings I am experiencing in my current transition to an empty nest.
The project took on a meditative quality.
In the back and forth flow of reflection and resulting clarity that mirrored the flow of the paint roller my tension about the past and the unknown of the future eased. I relaxed into the process, into the unfolding of the moment.
Maybe it was the acceptance of the moment that allowed answers to the ever present questions of:
Was this enough? Was I enough?
And allowed the becoming of the unknown future to stay as yet unknown within the present moment.
As my painted edges revealed themselves imperfectly, yet also good enough, I remembered many instances of the same in my parenting; times when I showed up less than graceful, less than ideal, yet also probably good enough.
With each scuff mark I painted over or each accident inspired dent I smoothed with spackling; I recalled the laughter and the noise of my kids and their friends.
In accepting as well as honoring the perfectly imperfect time capsule this home has provided for us all, I also accepted myself a little more completely, a little more deeply. By holding my successes and shining parenting moments with the same love and compassion as my own scuffed parenting responses, my own accidentally dented approaches to loving and guiding my children, I realized it was all ok, I became able to more eagerly lean into the unknown future of this home and my own identity development during this new transition.
I can open more easily and trustingly to what is, what is becoming and what will be.
Right now, I know that I have an upstairs with fresh, beautifully coordinated paint, rearranged furniture and a future that is likely as imperfectly perfect as my past in this home, to look forward to.
As we approach the transition to a new season, recognizing and joining with other transitions in our lives; maybe we all can approach ourselves with a little more kindness and compassion, honoring each imperfect part of the journey.
To Thine Own Self Be True, Even In Sweaty Conversations
I read somewhere recently that behind most anxiety is a sweaty 10 minute conversation that no one wants to have. That seems wise to me because those sweaty conversations are difficult for most of us.
They force us to confront beliefs we have about ourselves and others.
They urge us into the unknown by propelling us toward doorways and into unknown rooms that inevitably change what we know to be true and real in this moment.
So why do it?
Why risk all that change?
Why confront all that fear?
Self love.
Self love and the pure unselfish desire to continue becoming, and to continue connecting. That is reason enough to begin to step into those sweaty conversations, those places of unknown because it is in the act of supporting ourselves, our desires and our hopes that we build trust, both within ourselves and in our families, communities and the world at large.
Each of these sweaty moments affirms I matter, my hopes matter, my dreams, ideas, intentions matter and I honor myself and you as well as the relationship between us by giving voice to them, here in this moment.
Sometimes all it takes is a change in perspective about what we are doing to help us lean into a moment, an opportunity to give voice to our truth.
Maybe in simply changing our narrative from “if I say this then I risk losing” to “when I say this I am honoring” then we can wipe the sweat from our brows and step into the doorway of the unknown which connects us ever more deeply to ourselves and each other in truth, honor and respect.