Burnout, What Why and How
Does it ever feel like your to do list never ends?
Do you feel like you can’t do anything for yourself until you knock another chore off your list?
Girl, same. And we all feel this way sometimes. Do you ever wonder why we feel like we can’t do what we want to do until our list is done?
And who decides what we have to put on our list anyway?
Well, for those of us who identify as women (which is a social construct by the way), we have things that society decided we have to do. Society also decides how women should behave, what is normal for us, what roles we take on, and what we HAVE to do for everyone but ourselves.
Because of what society has decided that we must do, we can feel like our jobs are never ending. Whether it be working, going to school, taking care of our families, cooking dinner, or cleaning the house.
We have to realize that competing values are happening within everyone. And what you choose to spend your time on is ok, as long as you say it’s ok.
So what is burnout then?
If you ever find yourself just completely overwhelmed and exhausted then you might be in the neighborhood of burnout.
Because what it’s like to be a woman and what is expected of you can be two completely different things.
When we try to close the gap between society’s expectations and who we really are, we can become burned out.
When we neglect our personal wants and needs habitually it leads to burnout.
It’s hard being a woman in our society. But, there are some things that can help us to keep burn out at bay.
How to recognize that we are in fact, burned out?
Physical exhaustion- you may notice that your energy level is extremely low and you feel like your body can’t do even one more thing.
Mental exhaustion - you may feel like you’re lacking mental clarity, can’t think straight, and have trouble concentrating.
Fatigue- your body is done, just done. This can last for short or long periods of time.
Regular headaches- you may notice that you are experiencing more headaches than usual.
Isolation- you may feel like you want to self isolate, don’t want to leave the house, and find yourself not doing the things that you normally enjoy.
Irritability- you may notice that you are quicker to get angry, become frustrated, or more irritable in situations that normally would not bother you.
What can we do about it?
We have to figure out and embrace our own authentic sense of who we are and what’s important to us.
The more that we live authentically and listen to our values, the less we allow outside expectations to affect us, thus living the lives that we wish to live.
If we are living authentically, burnout is way less likely to happen to us, because we are listening to what we need within ourselves.
Our authentic selves are made, not found. We have to work to find what really matters to us, what we do for ourselves to stay happy and balanced in our hectic lives.
These are some things that help us to live authentically:
Pursuit and achievement of goals that matter to us.
Loving, emotionally connected relationships with others.
Serving our spiritual or religious beliefs.
Our meaning in our lives is the answer to “what am I doing when I feel most powerfully that I’m doing what I am supposed to be doing?”
The next way to combat our burnout is by completing the “stress cycle”. The stress cycle is when we encounter an obstacle, and our body goes into that fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.
In the old days completing that cycle was easy, but in today’s society, we must figure out how to complete this cycle of stress that our body gets stuck in after something happens in our lives.
So, how do I complete this stress cycle? Well, you have to signal to your body that you are safe, or it will stay in this state of stress and burnout.
Here are a few simple ways that you can complete your stress cycle, to bring your body back to homeostasis.
Physical activity- go for a walk, a bike ride, dance in your living room, or anything that gets your body moving.
A 20-second hug with someone who feels safe to you.
Long deep breathing or meditation, while being mindful of your thoughts and feelings.
Real, genuine laughter, like the kind of laughter that takes over your whole body.
Finally, a big old cry. Letting yourself release all of these emotions will take you to the very end of your stress cycle.
If you’d like to know more about burnout and how to move away from a burnout cycle, I’ll be conducting a 4 week group in the near future.
Stay tuned for details.
Mindset Obstacles to Rest & Play
When I was in graduate school pursuing my masters degree in clinical social work, I was also working, doing a field placement for my degree and raising two small kids on my own. Needless to say, my plate was OVER FULL. Many times I would find myself overwhelmed with papers due and exhausted.
At those intersections, I'd often share with my then partner about how tired I was and how I “needed to just pull another all nighter and get through it,” that I “couldn’t afford the time to sleep.” He’d very kindly and gently remind me in those moments that when I supported myself in getting a full, restful night’s sleep I’d often wake up with an intuitive approach to a paper or project and more energy and focus to get it done.
Even though there was a part of me that knew this was true, that understood why it was true, I still often resisted his suggestion. My resistant thoughts usually took the form of “I’m behind where I should be in my life, so I can’t” or “As long as I have papers and projects due, I shouldn’t rest or play.” I could only consider those as options when all “my stuff” was done.
Of course, none of that is rational or reasonable, but it sure did feel challenging to choose to care for myself, to choose a good night’s sleep, to choose an afternoon of fun when my kids were gone and I was off work, because well, that was prime no distraction time. Inevitably, I regretted the times I pushed myself too hard and appreciated when I allowed moments and pockets of rest and enjoyment because they replenished my spirit and restored my focus.
As I dug deeper into that mindset I realized it was based in worth, and specifically a hierarchy of worth. If I could demonstrate that I was worthy, ie, I had all my ducks in a straight row, then I deserved rest and fun, if I didn’t have those ducks lined up, no rest or fun for me. It was a sophisticated system of denying my humanity and fusing my worth with productivity, which is a recipe for loneliness and burnout. At the core, it was a conditional relationship with worthiness, or what Brene Brown means when she says, “We are hustling for our worthiness.”
Rest and play are essential aspects of our lives. When we rest, our minds and bodies detox and refuel, our body literally takes out the cellular “trash” and works to optimize our system for the next day. Similarly, our brains consolidate memories and learning, offload stress and repair important structures and functions.
When we allow ourselves to have fun, we diminish our allostatic load, a fancy way of saying we reduce our stress quite a bit. When we are laughing and doing activities we enjoy, alone and with others, we connect to our creativity, we broaden our lens of possibility and we reinforce hope.
So how can you begin to open up to a deeper relationship with rest and play?
Start by noticing and identifying the resistant thoughts about rest and enjoyment in your life. As you begin to notice them, a theme will likely emerge. Common themes are worthiness and belonging. We aren’t worthy so we don’t deserve a break or we are inherently damaged so we don’t belong to the group who can rest and enjoy life. Sometimes both themes appear, or other themes similar in nature arise.
Once you have insight into the theme of resistance you can mindfully reframe your thoughts and develop baby step action plans. For example, if the theme is centered in your unworthiness a resistant thought may be something like; I still have important work on my to-do list so I can’t take a break. In that moment, breathe and kindly shift that thought to something like; resting is important and allows me to replenish my energy, there will always be important things on my to-do list. This type of reframe works because it doesn’t ignore that you have competing priorities to manage. It acknowledges the importance of prioritizing rest to SUPPORT you in navigating your other priorities.
Additionally, taking a baby step approach toward rest and play helps you to manage the inherent discomfort involved in changing patterns. We feel comfort in the familiar so small incremental changes can often feel more manageable.
Allowing yourself 30 minutes to chat with a treasured friend, choosing a 15 minute break for some herbal tea, watching the movie you’ve been wanting to see for “awhile now”, are steps that allow you to practice choosing rest and play without experiencing overwhelming stress and anxiety. Over time you can build your rest and play muscles up to increase the time and opportunities to benefit from these restorative practices until they become a part of each day and a consistent practice that affirms you are enough exactly as you are, you are worthy of fun and rest and you belong.