Fireflies, Fear, & Freedom
Summer nights, when I was a kid, were filled with magic. Mainly so, because there wasn’t school, so that meant a later bedtime. It was light out waaaay after dinner, which meant a neighborhood kickball game until the street lights went on.
...And the grand finale of summer nights was the firefly show.
It always began the same way;
First a popsicle, then either a lawn chair or blanket, right in the center of our backyard, (because that was definitely the best seat in the house) and then watch and wait.
Before long the show would begin, it would build slowly, a little glow on the left, then another, then three or four in unison in front of me and before long it was a captivating light show that seemed to fill our entire backyard with magic and wonder. There was no predicting its start, the duration, amount, or the beautiful light patterns that were created night after night.
Anything seemed possible witnessing them, magic definitely seemed real.
Inevitably, I’d want to capture the magic for myself, which led to jars, strategies and hunting them. The more, the better. I generally caught some, and you know what. I almost immediately lost interest in them once they were trapped by me. They seemed listless, the glow was definitely dimmed, the magic all but gone.
Years later as an adult, I wondered about fear and freedom, where magic is and where magic goes to die, both in our individual lives and in our relationships. I thought about the fireflies again, realizing that for me, what motivated me to capture the fireflies was fear.
Fear of not having access to magic, fear of not understanding the beauty of freedom.
In acting from that fear, by trying to “capture the magic”, I actually robbed myself and them of the magic that is inherent in all of us when we are living in alignment with ourselves, our spirit, our purpose. What they offered in their authenticity and what died when I tried to contain and control it is the magic. Witnessing that magic in their freedom could model for me the power of witnessing my own authenticity, which actually is the way to move beyond fearful reactions.
It reminded me once again, of the wisdom in,
Let it come.
Let it be.
Let it go.
Within myself related to goals, interests, pursuits and in relationships with others. Staying grounded in the magic of flow, whether something is arriving or leaving, is always where the magic is at.
The Golden Ticket
Sometimes life throws us something we aren’t expecting- a loss, an injury.
Sometimes we invite a change into our lives with a move, new relationship, new goal or dream.
When we find ourselves in this position, sometimes there’s a pull toward comparison with other people. A tendency to compare our inside feelings with an outside appearance, especially when we feel out of control, insecure and overwhelmed. We may then begin to think that “we are missing something that others have”, “that we aren’t enough”, that we need the ‘golden ticket ‘ in order to feel at peace or at least marginally comfortable again.
Actually we have the golden ticket inside us already.
It’s the golden ticket of meeting ourselves where we are with self acceptance
Ok so what does that mean? And how do we do that when we are feeling so out of control and overwhelmed?
It means that we allow ourselves to be exactly who we are in this situation, without judgement and without demanding perfection. It means that we open up to the notion that there isn’t one right way to live a life, that the challenge is to authentically and wholeheartedly live the life we are experiencing.
How do we do that?
If only there was a one size fits all blueprint that I could share.
There isn’t.
What I can share are tools to guide you toward more self-acceptance, toward meeting yourself where you are with kindness and compassion:
Take a pause and notice what’s going on in your thoughts, your emotions and in your body. Notice, don’t attach. Be curious, not judgmental.
Acknowledge your inherent worth, within the circumstance you are experiencing. You have worth because you are here and you are you.
Let go of comparison with others, even if you have to let go in tiny pieces. LET IT GO. It is toxic and invalid. It serves to undermine your worth, progress and unique experience of your life.
Affirm your efforts, however uncomfortable it may feel. Affirming our efforts increases motivation and fuels a growth mindset.
Embrace the awkward. Whenever we are learning there is going to be an awkward stage. Lean in.
Self-empathy. Integration Nation Episode 212: Empathy- The Magic Wand can help you with this.
Self-acceptance is essential for us to develop authentic intimacy with ourselves and with other people. It releases us from the tyranny of comparison and supports us in the direction of our heart. Anything that does that merits the distinction as a golden ticket.
Take hold of your golden ticket as you meet yourself where you are at, lean in and grow.
As always. please leave any comments or questions you may have on meeting yourself where you are at in the comments or shoot us an e-mail.
What's This Trust Thing All About?
Welcome to a new year, a new start, an unfolding of what is yet to be known.
I love this time of year because it offers us a natural opportunity for reflection and intention. As we say goodbye to the previous year we can reflect on our successes, our challenges, the events and circumstances that maybe took us by surprise as well as our sorrows and losses. As we look ahead to the new year and what has yet to be known, we can consciously, mindfully shape our hopes, dreams, desires and goals.
For me this has been a year of transition, a year of expansion and a year that has also taught me a painful yet infinitely beneficial lesson in trust.
I’ve transitioned from an every day parent to a long distance guide and occasional host to a mountain of laundry.
I’ve expanded the offerings at our practice to include workshops and expanded my skill base in mindfulness and nutrition, for the benefit of our clients and subscribers.
I have also experienced a very painful, unexpected loss that reminded me about the foundation of trust, the importance of integrity and the value of friendship.
My current favorite definition of trust is by Charles Feltman. He defines it as choosing to make something important to you, vulnerable to the actions of someone else.
I am reminded this year that I cannot expect others to always honor their word, be honest and follow through on commitments which does in fact make me vulnerable if I include others in the areas of my life that really matter.
However, I can find strength within that vulnerability IF I have a consistent track record of caring for myself, following through on behalf of myself and being honest with myself even when I experience a betrayal of trust from another person.
Behaving from a place of integrity within myself allows me to feel the pain of betrayal without losing my sense of identity, my values, my trust or my view of the world as a basically good place. I can still rely on myself to care for myself while also receiving help and support from the people who inevitably surround me offering wisdom and understanding as I process the pain.
So does that mean we cannot ever trust other people to keep their word, or to do what they say they are going to?
I sure hope not, because I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t trust others. Building trust with other people takes time and discernment, which requires vigilant self honesty; not turning away from the proverbial red flags that are there to help guide us if we choose to see them.
If I’m really honest, that’s where I veered off course with this situation. It’s when we begin to deceive ourselves about another’s behavior or we make decisions from a place of fear that we, I believe, put ourselves at risk of unwisely trusting people who will inevitably betray us, not from a place of maliciousness but because they have not yet developed enough character, and integrity to follow through both for themselves as well as others.
Unexpected things happen in our lives all the time- people leave, circumstances change and we can continually choose to utilize these experiences as opportunities to fine tune our vision for ourselves and to fine tune the contribution we want to make to the world.
As this year unfolds, I look forward to continuing to serve our clients and our downtown Fredericksburg community with the highest degree of knowledge, professionalism and integrity I possess as a therapist and I intend to continue to learn for the benefit of myself, my clients, my friends, my family and for my favorite person. I hope to gain even more strength in vulnerability and I look forward to sharing it all with each of you.
I wish you a year of trust, strength in vulnerability and great adventure.